I wanted to take a moment to share more about my mental illness, so you can better understand what I’ve gone through and continue to experience. My first and most significant psychotic break happened when I was about 21 years old. It was as if the world around me had shifted, and I started believing that the radio and television were talking about me in a roundabout, inferencing way. This experience left a lasting impact on me, and to this day, I still struggle with understanding inferences and innuendos. Discerning reality from illusion has been a challenge for me.
One rule of thumb I’ve developed over the years is this: if something is completely unrealistic, like a plot on TV or a scene from a movie, I recognize that it's an illusion. But if something feels like it's happening in person, it’s probably real. I’ve found this distinction helps, but back when I was younger, I didn’t have this filter. For about a year, I was caught in a cycle of delusions, unable to break free. Eventually, I tried to take my life and ended up being hospitalized, where I was given medication, and the delusions subsided.
I’m sharing this because I want to highlight something important: while diet, exercise, and quitting smoking can certainly improve anyone’s quality of life, they aren’t cures for more acute mental illnesses. My condition is rooted in brain chemistry—that’s science. Medication, in my case, is crucial. However, I do still benefit from healthy habits like anyone else.
My mental health journey also led me to stand up for mental health awareness, particularly during my time in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). At that time, AA had a strong stance against psychiatry, and they would often encourage me to stop taking my medication. This would inevitably result in me being hospitalized again. Over time, I became somewhat institutionalized—getting used to this cycle. As a result, most of my close friends and girlfriends have been people with similar mental health challenges.
Unfortunately, I realized that the ignorance surrounding mental health care wasn’t limited to AA. There’s a lot of misunderstanding and fear about psychiatric medications. Many people assume we take medication to get high, but in reality, the meds are often not even sedative. They just help us function.
One experience that sticks with me is the tragic story of Kelly Thomas, a man I once knew as a roommate during a hospital stay. When he was murdered, I felt compelled to create art about the subject, using my work to raise awareness about mental health and the injustices we face. The protests that followed his death disturbed me because they seemed to miss the obvious hate crime element of his murder. My art became a way to spark discussions on the subject. At the very least, we’ve progressed from a time when mentally ill relatives were hidden away in basements, but there’s still so much more to do.
On a personal note, my mother also suffers from mental illness, though she claims I’m the sick one, not her. That hurts, as I’ve always sought support from her.
The doctors and psychologists I’ve worked with tell me that my illness is both genetic and linked to child abuse and drug use during my teenage years. This has been a lot to process, but I’m still here, and I keep going.
I hope by sharing this, I can offer a bit of insight into what mental illness is really like. It’s not something that can be fixed by willpower alone, but through a combination of proper care, medication, and compassion, we can live fuller lives. Let’s keep raising awareness, breaking down stigmas, and understanding that mental health care is as important as any other kind of health care.
Thank you for listening.
by Dan and Bonkers
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