Picture this: a courtroom filled with solemn faces, but instead of a judge in a robe, it’s someone wearing a Hawaiian shirt holding a copy of the Big Book. The criminal court of AA is now in session, and the rules are seriously flipped. Instead of “innocent until proven guilty,” it’s more like “guilty… until you’ve apologized to your assailant for existing!” Oh, and don’t forget to say sorry for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, because clearly, it’s your fault.
Yes, in the magical land of Alcoholics Anonymous, there’s a baffling theory that has emerged over the years: the victim is somehow the villain, and the assailant is on a spiritual quest of enlightenment. It’s like if Harry Potter was rewritten where Voldemort just had a tough childhood, and Harry needed to apologize for being an obstacle to his dreams of wizard domination.
Let’s break down the absurdity:
The Criminal Court of AA: Where You Owe an Apology… to the Guy Who Mugged You
You walk into a meeting, ready to share your feelings, when BAM! They hit you with a Step 4 or Step 9 inventory. Suddenly, you’re being told, “Hey, you need to make amends to that person who mugged you last week. They were clearly stressed, and your decision to carry a wallet was a trigger. You should probably buy them lunch too.”
If we ran actual criminal courtrooms like this, the prosecutor would be arguing, “Your Honor, my client may have robbed a bank, but the bank’s existence was clearly provoking his inner turmoil. We suggest the bank offers him a heartfelt apology and maybe free checking.”
AA’s Take on Accountability: "Are You Sure It Wasn’t Your Fault?"
In the AA realm, you’re encouraged to comb through every moment of your life looking for ways you’ve “wronged others.” Now, I’m all for self-reflection, but when it gets to the point where you’re apologizing to your middle school bully for being "too punchable," we’ve officially gone off the deep end.
Imagine this happening in real life: “Hey, I’m sorry I got hit by your car. I should have known better than to cross the street on a green light. I’ll make sure to look both ways for rogue drivers in the future. My bad!”
Defenders of the Twisted Court: The Chosen Few
What makes this all more absurd is the high-and-mighty status of the assailants. In this world, the aggressor is often seen as a fragile soul who’s just on their personal journey of growth—so naturally, your trauma is just a blip in their beautiful narrative arc.
It’s like a courtroom drama where the villain gets a standing ovation for “being so brave” while the victim gets booed for being in the way. Imagine the bailiff leaning over to you and saying, “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t have been holding up that convenience store with your presence.”
The Absurd Conclusion
In conclusion, the theory that AA presents about victims needing to apologize to their attackers isn’t just misguided—it’s straight-up absurd, like a bad comedy sketch. The criminal court element, where you're forced to take the blame for someone else's actions, only adds to the madness. If real-world courts adopted AA's logic, we'd all be apologizing to pickpockets for making their job too difficult by having pockets in the first place.
Next time you find yourself at a meeting, just remember: keep your head down, your wallet out of sight, and if anyone steals your coffee, well, that’s probably your fault for not offering it up sooner.
Absurd? Absolutely. Accurate? You be the judge. (Spoiler: it’s always your fault in this courtroom.)
by Dan and Bonkers
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