I want to explain what is happening with my sister and why fear makes me behave badly. My expgirlriend mailed in a book that I wrote and they were all impressed. They thought I was famous and gave me respect, respect is a highly honored word in there. They all gathered round and I felt so important. I had never felt important or knew respect. They held a party for me with coffee and some drugs on a piece of paper called a Happy Card, it was either meth amphetamine or Fentynal, They were dealing it in my cell. I found the paper in my coffee, I didn’t connect what had happened. They gave me a lot. I didn’t know. They gave me a tattoo, I still have it to this day, it reminds me every day. It was a strange and hallucinating feeling a numb euphoria. I lay in my bed and it happened. There was no violence. I was too drugged up but I remember. Like the Bill Cosby rapes. I don’t know how long it lasted maybe a while. I had forgotten until I was at the clinic and my younger brother said our baby brother was trying to reach me. The fear brought it back. I went in a rage and frenzy confused. At first they didn’t believe me. Then I told them some of the details. The my stomach with my back in the air, the inability to resist. disgusting memory flashes of his penis. The uncomfortable feeling. I started wondering if I was gay. The clinic ordered a special therapist who works in jails. I told him I can’t forget it. It just comes back when I fight with the family. In horrible flashes of visions. I told him you and my sister showed no empathy. He said that may be pathology. I told him why I think they come around my family when they get mean. It’s a lot to pay for breaking two windows. I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you wouldn’t think I wasn't raped enough or there was no violence . I was held in there for a long time as my sister-in-law and mom pushed the charges further while he was my cellmate all this time. I asked the counselor about the tattoo. He said what they did is called, grooming, something rapists do. Like a ritual. Dates rapist and some other rapists do it too. Your lack of empathy scares me. Because I fear that you’ll do it again. I am more afraid of you, than I am of him. Because out here I am safe, he can’t get me, but I don’t know what will happen if you or my sister will put me in there again. And with two windows it doesn’t really take much for you to do it. You have already tried to do it when I stopped by to visit you or call my sister to say hi. And the flashes come to remind me similar to PTSD and I get upset and confused and do strange things. It is not treated with medicine but sometimes it is treated with communication and understanding. Two standard characteristics of love. I don’t expect you to do that, love that is. I don’t know what to tell my sister or what she will do. I pray she will not do it again, but that is why. Those two windows cost my a felony strike and a sexual violation. Seems a bit much. I have not dated nor feel comfortable making love to a woman since. I don’t really think I know what love is anymore. I am sorry I scared you or bothered you sister. I think the world. Please don’t put me in jail. I asked the therapist if the flash memories go away. He said that they become small and part of my story to share in confidence with people I trust. If you think that’s silly or dumb, it’s just what I’m doing to heal. Please let me. I'm sorry I called my sister too much.