Whether or not I want to smoke is a slippery little question. It’s subjective—something that lives in the shifting fog of desire, habit, emotion, and maybe a bit of rebellion. You can’t prove it, you can’t measure it, and some days you can’t even trust it.
But here’s a bit of logic that’s hard to deny:
Anyone in their right mind doesn’t want to do something repeatedly when they know it’s killing them.
So what does that say about me? That I’m not in my right mind? That I’m under the influence of a delusion? That the cigarette is somehow more persuasive than reason? Maybe all of the above.
It’s easy to confuse habit with desire. Smoking has been a reflex, a crutch, a reward, a rebellion, a time-killer, a break, a buddy, a band-aid, and a battle. But what it hasn't been—at least not lately—is fun. Or freeing. Or worth it.
Today’s Progress:
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💻 Promoting on the computer more – using my time, energy, and breath on something that actually gives back.
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🚬 Smoking less – still slipping, but not surrendering.
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📅 Last cessation class is next Tuesday – one more round of group support and accountability before I step fully into the unknown: life without cigarettes.
There’s no miracle happening here. Just effort. Just honesty. Just one breath at a time.
And maybe, just maybe, the real question isn’t “Do I want to smoke?”
Maybe it’s “What do I want more than I want to smoke?”
I’ll let you know when I figure that one out.
by Dan and Bonkers
SUPPORT MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS NOW!!!
I have copd as it is but still smoking. I gave up alcohol nearly 12 years ago and went to group meetings. I just cannot believe I’m still smoking 😩