This morning started the way most good mornings do lately, with Whiskey Kitty launching a full-scale affection campaign. Air kisses, across-the-room pouncing, little nibbles and bites, all delivered with the urgency of someone who believes love should never be late. In her own chaotic way, she made sure I was awake in time for my therapy appointment. Alarm clocks could take notes.
I also walked to the store for tea, which counts as exercise in my book. Forward motion is forward motion, even if it’s fueled by caffeine and habit. No smoking, no bargaining, no mental gymnastics. Just walking, breathing, and moving through the day.
Tomorrow is my next court date. The day before court always carries a certain electricity, the kind that hums in the background no matter what you’re doing. It’s nerve-racking in a very specific way. I don’t know if I’ll come home tomorrow or if I’ll go to jail. That uncertainty sits quietly, like a chair pulled up to the table that nobody invited but nobody can ignore.
Usually, the routine is predictable. My public defender goes over the case briefly, I don’t say anything in the courtroom, and the judge sets another date two or three months out. The legal system’s version of “see you later.” This time might be different. It’s a different day of the week, a different courtroom, and I need to establish a new public defender on the case. The one who wanted me to challenge it was transferred to another office, which feels a bit like changing captains mid-voyage.
I’m getting closer to trial now, and I don’t know if I want to fight this case. That’s a heavy question, and I don’t have an answer yet. For now, all I can do is show up, stay present, and keep doing the next right thing. Smoking won’t help. Spiraling won’t help. Cat kisses, therapy, walking, and writing this down do help.
So here I am, the day before court, holding my breath just enough to notice it, but not enough to panic. Whatever happens tomorrow, I’ll deal with it when it arrives. Today, I’m still here. Still smoke-free. Still moving forward.
Wish me luck.
I got this.
by Dan and Bonkers
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