Two weeks ago, I got the news no one wants to hear—cancer. Thyroid cancer, to be exact. It’s already spread to my lymph nodes, and I’m staring down surgery, treatment, and a long recovery process. They tell me it’s treatable. Curable even. But tell that to the pit in my stomach and the racing thoughts that keep me up at night. Tell that to my cigarette cravings.
They also say smoking didn’t cause this. But after 40 years of lighting up, it’s hard not to blame the habit that’s stuck to me like secondhand regret. I’ve tried quitting more times than I can count. Cold turkey, patches, willpower, rage—you name it. Now I’m trying Chantix.
If you don’t know Chantix, it’s a prescription medication that supposedly reduces nicotine cravings and the pleasure of smoking. Kind of like turning the volume down on a lifelong addiction. I’m not gonna lie, it’s messing with my mood a little, and the dreams are... cinematic. But something's shifting. The urge to light up is losing its grip, slowly but noticeably.
I’m also cutting back—one less cigarette each day. Some days that works, some days I scream into a pillow and have two. It’s not linear. It’s not graceful. But it’s mine. This is my war, and I’ve decided to at least start swinging.
The fear of death is real, but so is the fear of change. And right now, they’re at a standoff in my lungs. I don’t want to be remembered for coughing in corners and asking for a light. I want to be remembered for the books I wrote, the music I made, the art I poured my soul into. That’s the legacy I want—not a cigarette-stained obituary.
So here I am—cancer, Chantix, and cutting back. Not clean yet, not giving up either. One puff closer to quitting, one step closer to staying alive. And if you’re reading this and fighting your own battle, know this:
You don’t have to win the whole war today. Just take one cigarette off the battlefield.
We’ll get there.
– Dan and Bonkers
danjoyceart.com | #MySmokersJournal #CancerRecovery #QuitSmoking #HumanismInRealLife
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