Let’s talk about a word that gets tossed around a lot in addiction circles: enabling. It’s the kind of word that makes people uncomfortable, like realizing you’ve been holding the lighter for someone while they’re trying to quit. But when it comes to smoking, what does “enabling” even mean? Is offering someone a cigarette really that big of a deal? What about letting them bum one, or simply not nagging them to stop? Can you enable a smoker just by being kind?
The answer is complicated—like most things with addiction.
The Ashtray in the Room
For me, smoking has never just been about nicotine. It’s a ritual, a routine, a break from the noise. It's how I cope, celebrate, sulk, and socialize. But lately, I’ve been trying to quit—again. And while I’m doing everything I can to cut back (counting minutes between smokes, switching to lights, listening to meditation music), sometimes it feels like the environment around me is whispering, “Go ahead, just one won’t hurt.”
And sometimes, those whispers come from the people I care about.
What Enabling Looks Like
Here’s the thing: enabling a smoker doesn’t always look like handing them a cigarette with a wink and a smile. It can be more subtle. It’s the friend who always has a pack, the roommate who leaves the ashtray out, the person who says, “Well, at least you’re not doing something worse.” And sure, they might mean well—but for someone trying to quit, those small moments of leniency can feel like permission to relapse.
You might be thinking: But isn’t it their choice to smoke or not? Yes, absolutely. But addiction thrives on easy excuses. And when someone we love offers us that excuse—even unintentionally—it gives our inner addict a green light.
The Flip Side – Support Without Shame
Now, let’s be careful not to turn this into a blame game. Not everyone who lights up around a smoker is “enabling.” Sometimes, people are just living their lives. Sometimes, they’re smokers too. And let’s face it: nobody likes a lecture. The trick is to support without shame.
Don’t hound, but don’t hand over the lighter either. Ask what helps. Maybe it’s not smoking in front of them. Maybe it’s walking with them instead of smoking with them. Maybe it’s just understanding that quitting is hard, and sometimes they’ll fall short—and that doesn’t make them a failure.
What I Need Right Now
Right now, I need people who get it. Not saints or saviors—just folks who understand that quitting is like climbing a muddy hill barefoot. Some days I slip. Some days I fly. But every day, I keep trying. And if you want to help me (or someone like me), maybe ask: How can I support you today—without enabling the addiction you’re trying to leave behind?
The Bottom Line
Yes, you can enable a smoker. But you can also empower one. The difference is in intention, awareness, and compassion. Be the kind of person who doesn’t just say “quit,” but walks beside us while we try. It’s not easy. But neither is quitting.
And if you are a smoker, trying to break free? I’m with you. One less smoke at a time.
danjoyceart.com
Follow my journey and support the art behind the madness: I’m quitting one puff at a time and making something beautiful out of it.
by Dan and Bonkers
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