This morning, I had a plan. I was going to space my cigarettes out longer, especially when I first woke up. I’ve been trying to cut back, and for the past few days, I had successfully reduced my smoking from three packs to one pack a day. That was already a big step in the right direction. But today? Today was different.
It started with anxiety, the kind that creeps in and takes hold before you even realize it’s there. No caffeine, no extra stimulant—just stress. A phone call with my mother left me on edge. Arguments around the house stirred up even more frustration. And before I knew it, my hand was reaching for another cigarette. Then another. Then another. It was a reflex, a response to the stress, a coping mechanism that I’ve relied on for so long that it feels almost automatic.
Now, it’s nearly 3 PM, and I’ve nearly smoked an entire pack. If I keep going at this rate, I’ll hit two packs before the day is over. That’s double what I had managed to limit myself to just yesterday. It feels like a failure, like all my progress is slipping through my fingers. It’s tempting to throw my hands up and say, “Well, I already messed up today, might as well smoke as much as I want.” That all-or-nothing thinking is what has trapped me before. But I refuse to let it win this time.
Progress Isn’t Always Linear
I have to remind myself: quitting—hell, even just cutting back—isn’t a straight line. It’s messy. It’s full of stops and starts, progress and setbacks, victories and slip-ups. The important thing isn’t being perfect; it’s about continuing to move forward, even when I stumble.
I could let this backslide define me. I could use it as an excuse to give up entirely. But instead, I’m going to reframe it as a lesson. Today is not ruined. I still have the rest of the afternoon and evening to regain some control.
Resetting My Goals for Today
Rather than letting this day spiral further, I’m making a conscious effort to correct course. Here’s my plan for the rest of the day:
- Spacing out my cigarettes to at least 30 minutes apart. Even if I crave one sooner, I’m going to hold off. Even just delaying can help me regain control over the habit instead of letting the habit control me.
- Mindfulness before lighting up. Instead of lighting up just because I feel anxious, I’m going to pause and ask myself: Do I actually need this cigarette right now, or am I just reacting to stress?
- Minimizing my intake tomorrow. Today may not have gone as planned, but that doesn’t mean tomorrow has to be another two-pack day. My goal is to return to one pack and keep working toward my overall reduction plan.
- Reaching out for support. I’m emailing my teacher from the smoking cessation class for advice. Maybe they have a tip or a strategy that I haven’t considered yet. Sometimes, just having a little outside encouragement can make all the difference.
Not Giving Up
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through my experiences with addiction, mental health, and recovery, it’s that the worst thing I can do is give up entirely. I’ve seen too many people throw away their progress because of one slip, one mistake, one relapse. I refuse to let that be me.
I won’t pretend this is easy. The cravings, the frustration, the self-doubt—all of it is real. But so is my determination. I am still moving forward, even if today didn’t go as planned.
So, I’ll take a deep breath, put the lighter down for a little while longer, and keep trying. Because trying—no matter how imperfect—is still better than giving up.
by Dan and Bonkers
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