Love Notes – Dan Joyce art


Love Notes

Posted by Dan Joyce on

 

 

 

 

 

If you like this story, please support with a PayPal, credit or debit card donation so I can make more and continue to advocate on behalf of the mental health community.

  

  

 

Love Notes

by

DAN JOYCE

©2022

It’s a bitter old man blog, sarcastic jokes and still very single…

Why do we just text? Why don’t you ever answer the phone? What do you think I’m going to do? Yell at you???

If it helps any, I want to get fat too! What do you recommend on the menu?

The truth is… I’ve loved you since day one… but… it’s been a lot of days since day one… in fact it’s been years… and if it hasn’t happened by now… well just send a text.

Yes, you can meet my new girlfriend. She's just like you, but when I met you. Remember when you were nice and stuff?

I don't know if you should take my car. I mean, I trust you honey, but not with $10,000 worth of property!

Watch the family steal the money
Watch the family starve you
Watch the family justify it
Watch the family values

I’m in a treehouse residential care facility in Mission Viejo. My family is not going to help me. I don’t know where I’m going to live. I haven’t got my medicine. I feel extremely suicidal. My family is not going to help me. They’re going to let me die. That’s the plan, cut him off and let him die!

I looked at your profile. It's amazing how many acquaintances we have in common and how few mutual friends. Shows what a snob you are!

Mental illness is hard enough. But with the stigma attached, it becomes a nightmare.

I had a bad experience flirting with a woman after at the 12 step meeting, but at the beach all the women liked me and they were better looking and more stable. It made me think about where I had been looking for a girlfriend, AA, Wellness Center, Mental Health Clinic, Anger Management… those women aren’t going there and looking for someone.

I think I freaked her out. I was off my medicine. I told her all she’s ever meant to me, but it didn’t make any sense.

I’m making calls. My family is denying rental property and refusing help with housing. It’s a good way to make me die homeless.

Why think I'm so special? Other people die, why not me?

Ernest and I will be stopping by later today. I want to talk to you about finances. Yes you helped me out last year, but cutting me off financially isn't helping me. It's cruel. You literally starve me and that's accomplishing nothing but vengeance from you and the family and it's not right. I have some suggestions I'm hoping you will consider and I'd like to involve Bob. My brother is a fair and ethical man and we both do love each other. It's just we are in a circumstance that is tearing us apart and beating me up. Please consider!

Ok, Jenny was a fruitcake. She moved me in because she wanted to marry me and I didn’t want that. And she wanted to marry me just to have a baby and I especially didn’t want that. Do you see why things didn’t work out there?

One slip and they watch me fall - the passive murder

So by doing nothing, you can actually kill someone. When they’re dying, yes.

My mother and my family are trying to push me to commit suicide. This is sick!

Put simply, by not providing help you can make someone die.

I'm trying to stay off the streets sober. You may know people who can survive on the streets. You also know I'm not one of them.

He took out a loan. Then we took away his home, his car and his job. So he can't pay the loan. HURT HIM!

Victimhood... persecution complex... how. many ways can we victim blame in America?

My bully older brother got ahold of the trust and bought out my lawyer. Now I’m broke and homeless. We don’t know what illegal things he’s doing because of lack of representation.

 family is a nightmare!!!

Let's not kill him. Let's take away everything he has to live for!

We'd like to take control of his money. After all, we're the ones that stole it from him.

Just for the record, being bisexual doesn't mean I have to have two people.

However, bisexuality can mean I’m looking at everyone in the room.

I Wanna Get Gay Married

Chords: G D C

 

Oh I’ve got a friend named Gary

I think he’s pretty cute

My dad says he’s a fairy

I don’t know what to do

 

Oh I wanna get gay married

To piss off my old man

He doesn’t like gay marriage 

Cause he’s a republican 

 

We picked out pretty dresses

For all our friends to see

My dad will learn a lesson

To be who I want to be

Chorus

 

As I walk down the aisle 

And dad gives me away

No more fussing and fighting

Nothing left to say

 

Oh I wanna get gay married

To be like my old man

He’s got a girl named Harry

We’re doing what we can

Oh I wanna get gay married 

Just like my dear old dads

Being bisexual or just gay, gives insight into the world of a woman. Not just sexually. For example  you know what it’s like to be pursued or even compromised. Like say you’re in a gay bar and this creepy guy keeps bothering you. That’s something a woman usually knows, but a gay man does too. It makes you more mindful of both women and men.

Prior to AIDS and gay marriage, I notice gay culture was extremely promiscuous. That was bad. I think the reason the gays often sleep around is the lack of consequence, no children to have, no family to lose. That being said, a man can love another man. We do it all the time, just without the sex, like the extreme bonding between Brick and Skipper in cat on a hot tin roof. But less intense, there is a companionship that usually occurs between straight men that is comparable to gay love. You like him. You want to be with him, you like and do the same things. He influences your personal philosophy. You want him around, not sexually, but your minds attach as one. We call that a best buddy, some men will call him his brother. It is one of the Greek definitions of love. You either recognize it as a homosexual experience or try to shuck it away. For some, it can be very awkward.

I liked the gays in Hollywood, because they liked the things I liked to do, art, poetry, musical theatre… they even taught me method acting so I could get a job as an extra in the movies. It wasn’t a requirement, but it helped me with my job.

Now that gay marriage is legal and we have more gay rights, a lot of gays these days have become conservatives. It makes sense because they are often hard working and making money. They are concerned about their taxes or just want their business and finances to go as well as they can. At first the gay Republican stereotype sounded like an oxymoron, but it’s coming to common culture more and more. I will always be more liberal for other reasons, but I understand their point of view.

As far as being gay, being straight or being bisexual, I can’t really tell you what I’ll choose. I have to judge for myself who is my lover and gender shouldn’t be a factor when dealing with someone who just has a good heart. As the old song goes, love the one you’re with .

I don’t care for sports, football, basketball, etc… they all beat me up in high school. So, the Superbowl triggers my PTSD. I can watch baseball and enjoyed working at the stadium. When I was a boy, my father would take me out of church and drive me to Angel’s Stadium. He’d buy me a hot dog and we’d watch an Angel’s game. So, I am in that sense a sports fan when it comes to the Angels. If you can do that with the Yankees or the Dodgers, I’m your man!

Men are like dogs and women are like cats.

I prefer to be a pig.

I was at the gay bar at nineteen and this freaky creep kept staring at me. He followed me from another bar and tried to make his way in. When I walked out the door he wanted to give me a ride home. You don’t realize what you do to women until it happens to you.

My music videos are based on the old days of MTV. You wanted to hear your favorite hit songs, you wanted the see the musician and you wanted to check out the sexy girls. Prince, Motley Crew, Duran Duran… they all had ‘em and they made teenage years wonderful.

Adult content in art, life drawing and life sculpture dates back to the very first artform discovered, The Venus Willendorf, a sculpture of a robust women thought to have magic powers. Now, with new waves of feminism the nude figure is becoming less an acceptable practice of art. That’s a shame because there’s a lot you can do with a woman’s body.  

Conceptual art I believe began with Marcel Duchamp. He was a radical and associated with the dada movement, a group that believed after WWI and WWII the logic of man had gotten us nowhere based on the countless destruction and completely inhuman loss of lives during those great tragedies. Duchamp put in a known French art gallery a print of the Mona Lisa, a mustache and a goatee drawn on. Worse yet, below the portrait he wroter L.H.O.O.Q., which in French means, She’s got a hot ass! I like this guy already. He was out to destroy the very foundations of the art world and art itself. When asked to submit a work of his art to another prominent gallery he found a urinal, I don’t know if it had been used, signed it R.J. Mutt and sent it to the gallery. The beautiful thing that Duchamp added to the artwork was a concept that literally anything can be art if you declare it as such. Artists like Yoko Ono and Christo have followed his lead. 

And yes, I am a mental health advocate because I am mentally ill. Although I don’t just see it as and issue of health, but of civil liberties. I can’t get a job even though I have a huge college education, I’m an artist and galleries reject me for it, I have to live in special homes and special institutions usually. I’m schizoaffective, a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar, people mock and tease me all the time. If you think you’re oppressed in Russia, try being mentally ill in America. I’m also a fine artist and I would like to work with you on a manuscript I wrote. Would you be willing? I’m thinking of turning it into a play and having you in one of the parts. All you have to do is be pretty. Do you think you can handle it? The script is on my blog. Let me know! 

I'm homeless thanks to you. You can't accept when you've done wrong. You can't even conceive of when you've done wrong. So, you do wrong.

I’m homeless and you refuse me one of the many homes you own. How is that not your fault?

For the record, I never tried to kill you, but it’s quite apparent, you’re trying to kill me.

Go ahead! Use the blame word! It takes all responsibility off of you.

You make me not want to help you Danny! You make me want to hurt you!

I found a place to live. It will cost every penny I have. It's hard to explain what I go through with my family, but when nobody believes me it's really scary.

Drugs and alcohol aren't the issue anymore and they haven't been for some time. The issue is living in a cruel world and accepting it.

They destroy me time and time again. They say breaking me makes me stronger, but it only makes me broken.

I try to protect the things I want to live for, the things that make me want to live like my little glass menagerie of animals that are easily broken by bullish people.

Everything works so ideal for the idealist, but when you carve a world so perfect to your own making, it doesn't exist.

Sobriety is no big deal. It’s just not drinking. What my family is doing is breaking me!

 

Every time I get a job. Every time I get on my feet my family breaks me. So it’s not even worth trying!

 

The anguish inside, the horrid defeat. I just can’t see it getting any better.

 

Please convince me they’re not killing me.

 

Murder is a simple solution for a serious moral problem.

 

Are you watching me beg for my life? Are you enjoying this?

I have a goal. I’m gonna print up some books and make more books. Then I’m gonna get a job and raise up some money and try to do a booth at Comic-Con.

I called my mother and begged her to stop. She denied doing anything.

I don’t get that much money from the government. The group homes and the counselors get it. I get barely enough to survive. Then when something goes wrong, I don’t get to survive.

You're going to watch your son die, begging you for his life. Please stop! 

I'm begging you please. I'm saying please. Please stop!

Please stop blaming, please stop arguing, please stop denying, please stop refusing help to hurt me. Please stop hurting me. 

  

I can't afford the room and board. Can't get into the local shelter and trying a place in Costa Mesa. I won't survive on the streets. Family patiently anticipates my death.

I’m trying to keep my art going. I don’t want to destroy everything I have to live for. The family has done a good enough job at that.

He should be able to manage his budget far below the poverty level. He should be able to get along living with ex-convicts and violently dangerous people. He should be able to live, but we won’t let him. We just wait for him to slip and watch him fall.

This is what you get when you tell the family secret and the secret is abuse.

Can someone brief me on the Johnny Depp defamation trial? What is going on and why is it so importan?. I keep getting messages and posts saying Amber Heard (his ex-girlfriend?) is lying a lot.
But the same posts are saying that because she's lying, she's mentally ill. OK! I call BS on whoever is spreading this around. One, you don't have to be mentally ill to lie or even lie a lot and two, lying isn't a common symptom of most treatable mental illnesses. Maybe it could be a symptom of narcissism or pathology which aren't treatable. But PTSD, bipolar, schizo-affective, OCD or even schizophrenia don't cause people to lie a lot. Ignorance on the other hand, creates a lot of liars. And the people following this tabloid trial and trying to call mentally ill people liars especially about personal trauma, need to be sued for defamation themselves!

Two strangers afraid being in love on a bus stop.

I saw her sitting at the coffeeshop

Putting makeup on

Then later waiting at the fast food place

For whoever comes along

 

I said hello and she did so

Call me in her space

Then reached to get a cigarette

We shared the closest space

 

Not too soon we searched for a room

But landed by the street

On the bus stop oh so close

Her hair her head reached deep

 

I watched her put her lip gloss on

And kiss me on the face

She reached in close I held her tight

In such a moments grace

 

I didn’t phase who’d come along

Or if we would be through

She didn’t care about my age

Or beauty of her youth

 

She stood and sighed and passed on by

As a lover’s game of two

She kissed my cheeks side to side

And said she loved me too

 

There it ended never again

As our spit swapped

Two strangers afraid bieng in love

On a bus stop

 

I was a runner in high school and I learned the hard way you don’t get trophies for coming in last place. But the cool part is that you don’t always come in last place.

When you see someone drowning, it doesn’t help to just stand on the shore and yell, Swim!

Using your wealth and finances to starve your own son out of his house one more time. Please stop! Maybe he’ll die this time. 

I'm losing my website in the move. The owner wants last month rent up front. Group homes usually don't do that. I can break it down into payments, but will lose my website. Also there was an unexpected debit. Mom and Mike are doing everything they can with the finances to starve me and break me. The move will take every penny I have. Mike and mom are opposed to welfare in all forms and accuse me of cheatiing the government with my disability. Go figure!

 

 

I'm in the new place in Laguna and it's nice, coed even. But I have nothing but my computer and the clothes on my back. The house manager wants to charge $50 to go to Fullerton and get my stuff and put the old stuff in storage. I don't have the money. Of course, family is refusing to help. I may have to leave. With tough love, I'm supposed to magically find a way to do this, medications as well. But there is also the anticipation of failing and not being able to do it. Which do you think they want to enjoy, success or another failure?

I'm seeing if the server can refund the unexpected app bill on my website. Still don't know if I can afford to keep it.

My AA sponsor is giving me the money to transport my property for the move. I hate asking people for money. For a disability recipient and a lifelong panhandler, you'd think I'd enjoy it, but really it takes from me. For every dollar I get is a dollar from my integrity, a dollar of my worth, my education, my responsibility. It is a high price to pay for a handful of change.

I'm in a new location far away from my abusive family and leaving them no knowledge. The PTSD flashes tend to go away when I don't deal with them. I'm inspired to write and draw, keep an online journal on my blog and even make music again. There is much hope for the future in this art colony. The storm is beginnng to end, and setting aside my sails for the next one to begin.d is healthy and the people are fit, you see lots of health food stores, but not that many gyms. They stay in shape from good diet and short walks on the hills throughout their neighborhood. It's so beautiful it can almost be spooky.

If you look for the wrong in people, you'll find it.

I've been taking walks, riding the bus and getting to know the neighborhood. The city is beautiful. Next, I approach the galleries.

What am I gonna do different? I'm gonna make books like I do, get a booth. Sell to the public. I'm gonna do it at Comic Con!

I took the bus to my old town today to the storage unit and ship out a couple paintings. I sold them online for $200 each. Without wonder, I realized I do have a signature process and personal style in what I’m doing and that it sells well. I’d like to work on more of them to try to get them into the local galleries. The structure of the painting is basically traced then rapidly painted in all in the dark. It combines the thoughtful techniques of Jackson Pollock and Andy Warhol with large action strokes, drips and splattered all on a rapidly reproduced image like a Warhol. I don’t currently have a place to paint more, but as I settle in, I will ask the landlord if I can use part of the garage, just trying not to be messy.

After getting a lot of attention on the beach and that incident with the strange woman on the bus stop, I realized that suddenly the women were paying more attention to me. But I couldn’t figure out why. I though maybe I had lost so much weight from not eating. Then I reviewed my journal. The house manager at the old residence gave me an electric razor. Reviewing my journal, I found it was happening on the days that I’ve been shaving. I guess I’m kind of a handsome guy under all that scruff. Old and charming, like Paul McCartney.

I got another ad rejected for offensive material. It had a woman topless in the video but it only showed her back. Really? They need Facebook for adults. Not adult Facebook like porn,  but something where we can let it hang and cuss and stuff!

 Believe it or not, going insane can sometimes be a hard thing to regret.

So, the first problem at the new group home came when I had to use the bathroom real bad. I drink o lot of water and have bad kidneys, so I have to use the bathroom a lot. The other day, I really had to go and a female tenant was brushing her teeth. I knocked and asked if I could pee real quick. By the time this story got to the management, it came out like she was in the shower and I wanted to pee while she was in the shower. What really happened was that she took a long time to brush her teeth while danced around the hallway tying to hold it in. After explaining that to the manager, because the assistant manager, his sister, refused to hear my side. He said I have to be careful about triggering people. Ok, so I had to pee real bad while she brushed her teeth and suddenly it’s a sexual violation. Men and women have fought for the bathroom for over 100 years. WTF? I don’t care for the new phrase, “triggering,” because while I am responsible for my actions, it can be impossible to predict your reaction and I’m held accountable for it. The manager understood.

I'm realizing my main demographic for an online target audience is males 18-35, They like all my art, my music and my books. However, they're not known to have any money, because usually they are in college. What would be the best way to interest them into a sale?

The new place is nicer. It’s owned by a psychiatrist. Rent is cheap too. Now that I’m in Laguna I’m going to try to get in the Sawdust Festival and sell my art. I also want to put my books in Comic Con. We’ll see!
Nobody’s a convict and no one does drugs, no trouble makers at all, and it’s coed.

We all have dreams of mastery, notoriety, fame and success. That's the fun part of art. It's a dreaming profession.

there are a lot of weird health food trends here, but that's all I've noticed. I know how to stay clean and sober in an artistic environment like the Fullerton Art Walk, but they were more of a once a month party than an actual gallery or business.

So far, with my claim to fame on Facebook, only one fan has recognized me in person, the drunk guy on the bus stop. it's a start.

t's my 57th birthday tomorrow. Do you know what old people get that young people don't get? a lot of memories.

The song, Beach Baby, from my birthday video got over 1000 views on YouTube in it's first hour. The algorithms are picking me up.  

I live two separate existences at once. Part is me and part is my story, in a sureal and fantastic experience.

I can't go to AA anymore. I disagree with them. I disagree with a lot of them. I know I'm supposed to be wrong all the time, but they're even better at it than me!

I reserve that my philosophy is dynamic. It changes as it grows and learns... and sometimes forgets.

Mother ruined my birthday today by saying I get nothing until next year. I'd like to make a motion to repeal the 5th commandment.

In relationships I got one rule, no alcohol. However, with sex it’s anything goes. You might want to use a safe word though. I get kinky!

In court, I.got my guitar back from my mother. Busking is legal in Laguna Beach, but smoking isn't. This is gonna be a challenge.

Clearly, the biggest of demons I've had to fight has been myself.

Artists work together. You don't have to, but it helps... through the bad times.

I cook you a meal and you don't eat it! I even baked my special recipe... poison!

Nobody is stealing money you need to survive!
Nobody does a lot of things in this family.
 
I had an altercation with Baxter because.
He was rude to me in the artist vulgar and insulted our work so I posted a few things on Facebook regarding that and Baxter had me banned from the colony and then went around town to stop people from doing business with me. He blacklisted a very good book called JKAT, A journal I kept in jail. It makes some very important statements about our criminal justice system
When I was on the dates. Baxter would have his girlfriend or him himself pull the girl aside in front of me and talk a bunch of shit that I couldn’t hear. He’s really narcissistic and controlling.
But that was years ago and I still can’t do business in Fullerton because of it. I’m hoping to do better in Laguna..
.
He even tried to have me arrested by the FPD. The same cops he claimed to be fighting.
Wow. So much drama
Don't downplay it. Just because it wasn't your life doesn't mean it wasn't harmful. Drama used to be a perfectly good word. Take other people's feelings into consideration please.
I had to move to continue my craft. I'm an artist and an artist first, not just someone's housewife that paints.
I was blacklisted in Fullerton and still am in most places. It's wrong in business and in general. I've managed to regain a couple places, but nowhere near as many as they've prohibited. The artists were all told to not do business with me, actually no contact, and they still don't. I don't know why they didn't tell you. I'm thinking they did.

Do music, do art, do poetry, do videos. Let's do it in the postmodern age! 

AA isn't for people who want it... because nobody does!

Art is a strange profession. You work all alone isolated in your studio everyday with no one to talk to. Then once a month they all throw a big party for you.

 

The main demographic of my work is males 18-35. They are usually college boys studying hard and working their way through school. They don’t get out much and they find themself stuck in a compartment or a category, a notch in the system being given a robot computerized life that is already planned for them by the crust of the upper class. Their world is going in a direction they don’t know and may never. Only a few can tell where humanity is headed while the rest of us see it and speculate. As such, these young men find my life and lifestyle exciting going places and doing things like working in the movies or playing guitar on the beach. To them I am a modern day Jack Kerouac traveling on the road care free, but wishing things could ever get stable.

I'm getting the numbers, but I'm not getting the sales. The teachers say be patient.

I like to write and write and see how it ends.

 Dan's doing it again! He's loving all the women!

I like to write and write and see how it ends. 

I have always believed in doing something creative every day. Whether a drawing, a poem, a painting, a song or a video... it keeps your creative juices flowing. It is more important to produce than to perfect. True quality comes from practice.

think the difference is that I publish my journals and I compile them on a computer to do so. Lately I've been really into video logging so as to include the music and videos. It's a lot of fun and you can reach and entertain thousands of people a day. You don't even have to know them to document your life, but so many friends you can make.

I have a big following in the middle eastern nations. I don't know why. They don't buy but they read a lot. I feel I can say anything to them, personal or whatever, and not feel judges as opposed to posting it on my timeline and making everyone around me angry. There should always be a freedom of expression. Without one we could kill the arts.

I started in hospitals, in 1996. I sat inpatient to write a poem and I finished it 100 pages later, documents my stay in the facility as well as portions of my life. When I graduated college in later years 2008, I illustrated it digitally with a Wacom tablet. It became my style and I write as often as I can, maybe even more than I  paint. I call my method, "message in a bottle" often feeling isolated crying to the outside world.

Some find my writing superior to my art, yet still I am more often called an artist.

I find nothing to sacred about my life to keep a journal secret, maybe a couple things that would hurt other people if revealed, but we are on this earth so little. It makes sense to me to make some noise.

I'm gonna carve my name in every rock in the cave!

I found a poetry reading nearby. $5 or $10 and I can sell my books. Time to meet a new creative crowd. 

Other artists have always refrained from giving me alcohol or pot out of fear of making me even worse.  

 

If we're in a day and age we recognize LBTQ and double digit gender identities, why is my sexuality so often under contention?

I prayed for a safe place to live where I could do my books and art. Sometimes God comes through.

Is there an art to life, and when isn't there?

I can't look back, but only move forward.

There was a time for our kind of music, but even the best of memories fade out. - Ms. Prophet

Perfect World

By © Rew Starr

 

In a perfect world

There would be nothing called time

In a perfect world

Everyone would get along so fine

In a perfect world

There is no right and there is no wrong

In a perfect world

Everyone is singing every song

 

Nothing to lose, no one has the blues

Everything you choose it’s up to you you you you you

 

In a perfect world

There would be nothing called crime

In a perfect world

What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine

In a perfect world

Everyone would just get along

In a perfect world

Every single race and religion belong

 

 

In a perfect world

That music you listen to is harsh, nasty and angry. That's what your head sounds like when you're walking around grunting.

Sometimes you have to love somebody by not loving them. - Ms. Prophet

I haven't been down to the beach much yet and you can't smoke. My strategy is to hit the poetry readings first with my books.

the biggest mistake to make in communication is assuming other people know the facts you already know. - Ms. Prophet

I live the poem, but I don't write them. - Ms. Prophet

Ms. Prophet talks a lot and she thinks she knows everything. 

What I got from AA was a philosophy of universalism, all concepts of God are to be accepted. It may sound radical, but even Christians do the same thing. They all have a different conception of Jesus of what he would say. Christians who don’t even go to church do just that. That being said, we may all be having different experiences of the same thing.

 

As long as I have been drawing and painting, I have been making art that people like. It seems to be a talent I have and I don’t know how I do it. I just see a beautiful world and I want to paint it and that’s what people like.

 

So, who is Ms. Prophet anyway?
She’s the unlikely prophet's ex-wife.

Other than my editor, I don’t let others participate in my writing process. It has to be done well and the way I like it. I am in complete control of my imaginary world.

I just took a nice walk through the hills to get some soda. The women were coming out in their bathing suits. Now I love the 7-Eleven.

The Fullerton audience doesn't buy anything. Instead, they treat you like you're panhandling. You can set up a band, a commedian, food and the entire event. So they can come to your party and be rude!

I admit that I haven’t read the whole bible, but I have studied the gospels, what Jesus said. Those are the cliff notes of the book. You can quote from the old testament to the apostle Paul and make it say anything you want. But try misquoting and misinterpreting Christ. It’s been done, but not with a conscientious mind. - Mis. Prophet

Is Ms. Prophet a Christian?

Actually, she’s a converted Jew.

I like a little Christ with my coffee. - Ms. Prophet

I’m multitalented and I work regularly on all my crafts. I think every artist should to make for a better world. Let’s make this millennium a new renaissance.

After the hardship from my family, I don't know what's good and bad anymore. I just know what is. 

They break me. I don't want anything to do with anyone that even sounds like family.

You yell and lie to me face to face to force me to believe something I know isn't true.

Sometimes comedy dries the tears away. - Ms. Prophet

 Jazzy Luv

 

She walked uninhibited searching sexy strolling singing sounding like a flugelhorn slowly belting a sad song.  All the nights lonely absolut vodka and orange juice medical marijuana and men looting her loft as age approaches wisdom never losing beauty and they called her Jazzy Luv.  Dazed and ambient saxophone playing to the tune of lost years drown tears and a radio that has long lost its’ place in the new millennium. She once loved, I’m sure she did and now she tries and tries again. Taken advantage of by all the wrong men. Talked to the preacher on the television milking money promising, promising, promising… How does the night fool you? How does the darkness confuse? Where in his giving tree is in it for me?

Take me lonely one to the mythology of Plato, to the soul of the mate, to the stereo-driven seduction to the clubs of New York to the beaches of Venice, to the dive pit bar located south of the barrio and we’ll call it Jazzy Luv and we’ll call it ageless beauty and will call it a Greek tragedy and we’ll call it the meaning of life. Bury me in the depths of my own seduction that we are not a fantasy that we are not a melody that we are a syncopation bebop rhythm and blues of the bluesiest blues together know my name and call her Jazzy Luv.

John Gotti

 

Dan there’s trouble! We have to act quickly! There’s a mafia war going on in New York City. The  five crime families are breaking the truce. There’s gun shooting and violence everywhere!

 

Ok Ms. Prophet. Time to go into the Dan Cave.

 

Our first visit will be in the federal prison to speak with crime leader, John Gotti.

 

I was not out to build the mafia. I am out to destroy it.

 

But what about all the murder victims and their families and loved ones. Doesn’t that wear on your soul?

 

No, I don’t know them. It’s business.

 

Well, you don’t know me either. That’s not very reassuring.

 

I’m not convicted just for murders, but also drug dealing, book making and pandering. It’s a rough life. 

 

Pandering?

 

Yeah, it’s hard out there for a pimp... Ahhh... Gotcha!

 

But now I’m out of the game and serving time. Besides you don’t want to talk to me, I can’t anything. I’m incarcerated for life. You want to talk to the big boss. He takes care of the business now.

 

Who is that?

 

Here’s the boss of the bosses.

 

Al Pacino? But that’s only in the movies.

 

I had to do research for my method acting in The Godfather, so I joined the Gambino crime family. Funny thing is that once you’re in you can’t get out, but it’s steady work and pays the bills… We don’t have a good pension plan though, but we do offer good dental coverage.

 

Ok Mr. Big, how do we stop the crime and violence on the streets of New York.

 

It’s not all us. It’s those petty punk gang kids. They’re in New York, They’re in Los Angeles.They're everywhere, mass school shootings... They shouldn’t have the guns, they don’t respect a weapon. They kill almost at random, not strategically. Kids today! They don’t know how to kill responsibly.

 

But gun control has been an unsolvable issue for years and difficult to enforce. The belief is that only the criminals will have the guns. Wait! What if you guys took away all the guns and then reinstate the truce?

 

Brilliant Ms Prophet. Brilliant

 

Dan and Ms. Prophet, you just stopped crime in New York City! What are you guys doing now? 

We’re going back to Los Angeles where its warm again!

 

Why does the abuser always want you to deny the abuse?

I’ve been going from place to place developing no roots.

Sometimes it's good for the artist to chew out the critic.

Behead the man for Salome!

 

Chords G Em C D

 

The pieces of my life

One may never know

The shattered dreams

And sorrow

The loss of love

Alienated, an outsider

In between an evil sermon

The voices, the voices

 

Now I strive for glory

To make my mark as a man

And simply tell the story

Of how foolish one can be

 

I kneel at a Catholic alter

And try so hard to pray

Harder to believe

Someday then,

The sacrament

Will come my way

 

How I long to love this life

As others longed before me

Discarded as the ramblings

Of a madman

 

But who, I ask, is insane?

If it is not just a way to paint

To suffer? To pain?

As did our greatest martyr

 

I set my hands together

To commune in the bread

A stale crisp round wafer

The body of the dead

 

Am I not the man they crucified?

So many years before

I’d rather take the thorns to heart

Have I not suffered more?

I listen to the Latin

As the choir sings

Fasting in the desert

Mourning as I grieve

 

Behead the man for Salome!

Oh how he was my friend

In the river wearing camel hair

Dip my fingers in holy water

 

Ringing bells the alter boy

Stolen by the lines on my face

I grab the chalice

And drink the blood

Strumming an acoustic guitar

Singing to the hymn

Tell me lord, who suffered more

Was it I? or him?

Wanna go for a walk with me? It’s a hard walk. You go up the hill and down the hill and to the 7-Eleven.

She said she was an artist, but I didn’t see her make one painting. That’ not how it works. You have to make art to be an artist. You have to keep doing it.

Dick had good reason to resent me. He’d been at the AA club for a long time and I disrupted it. I don’t know if he still wants to know me. I’d like to know Dick, but… boy that sounds bad!

If you don’t like a book by me, just toss it and don’t buy more. It’s not like I’m a commodity like oil that people need and the prices get manipulated. I’m just an artist, writing and making art. 

Just set up my first open mic poetry reading at an independent coffeehouse in Laguna.

Many Fullerton feminists like Darri Kirston, Melisa Cole and Destiny O. led a big campaign against saying I was dangerous and anti-women because I am open about mental illness and that is just wrong! Scare women against people who are trying to get help.

 

Saddleback Church provides a great community for me here. They are also a good resource, but I’m not going to use them only for stuff like food and housing. You go to church to be a better person. That’s what you should get out of church. That’s what the church is selling.

As an artist, I compete with no one, only with myself, to challenge myself, to out do myself, to be the best I can.

Sometimes being an artist is like crashing your own party.

 

My atheism has always come from the hypocrisy of Christians. I still can’t get over that they represent so much yet show so little.

Mental Health Awareness - Today's topic - Kurt Cobain 

The most fascinating mentally ill artist of my time had to be Kurt Cobain. A young rebel who didn’t necessarily want to change the society as much as not want any part of it.

They laugh at me, because I’m different. I laughed at them, because they’re all the same.

I understand the way most mentally ill people think because I’m mentally ill myself. I don’t wanna sound ethnic, but a black man can better understand another black man. I don’t know what it’s like to be identified by color everywhere you go. Mine is more subtle. It’s more like what’s wrong with this guy?

Causes to cure cancer or ALS are different than mental illness because you die. With mental illness the problem is you live with it.

I’d rather be hated for who I am, Than  loved for who I am not.

Having the harsh condition of a mental illness, and being discriminated for it often, we learn to accept most all other causes of civil liberty. 

„At this point I have a request for our fans. If any of you in any way hate homosexuals, people of different color, or women, please do this one favor for us - leave us the fuck alone! Don't come to our shows and don't buy our records.

Kurt Cobain wrote a song about lithium, a common medication to treat bipolar. That may seem bold but not really considering I wrote two graphic novels about it. Have you taken your meds?

 

At a young age Kurt Cobain shot himself in the head with a shotgun leaving behind a suicide note denouncing fame and fortune as though it had made him worse. But if he didn’t want the famous success. story, who was he making music for? Obviously himself. Maybe music to Cobain was a form of art therapy to understand himself and treat himself for an illness as difficult as bipolar. Maybe in the future artist like me or anyone who follows can do the same and find healing.

 With modern movement towards social justice, comedy is being banned as offensive. I think it's harmless. You gotta learn to laugh at yourselves. I laugh at myself a lot. I'm a funny guy!

Why do you dedicate your life to art, music and writing to get your fifteen minutes oaf fame when there are other artists who are clearly more talented? Don’t they deserve it and not you? 

I don’t want to be the best and I don’t want the whole market. I just want my piece of the pie. That’s the American promise. You do what you love, do your best and see what comes back. That’s the American Dream.  

The analytics show that my stories are most popular in Bangladesh. How do I market that?

Again Dan you say you will support any politician who will listen to you on Mental Health Awareness. Your next calling is more of an activist and spiritual leader. The Dalai Lama has a girlfriend with depression.

 

WAIT! STOP THERE! The Dalai Lama has a girlfriend???

What is her name? Miss Lama?

I mean, can he do that?

 

OMG Look who’s here!

 

Hello, I am the partner of the Dalai Lama

 

But you’re Beyonce!

 

Yes, Buddhism and Beyonce, my one true love.

 

So, what do you think causes your depression?

 

It is not just my depression.

 

What do you mean?

 

It is not me who he loves or breaks his heart.

 

Then who? Does he have another girlfriend? Is the Dalai Lama a womanizer?

 

No! His holiness is unhappy, he wants to return to his homeland, his one true love. 

 

Laughter is divine, joy is purpose. You live hard life, Dan, but still you smile and make it funny. That is the way of the Buddha.

 

But you can’t always laugh things away, your holiness. When everything is funny, it’s not funny anymore. You have sadness in you that clouds the joy in your heart, your Holiness.

 

It is true, Dan, I am homesick. I never stop loving my land, but the Communists have taken my home. I am how you say, a homeless drifter, a holy hobo.

 

Why don’t you just join them toe beat them?

 

I don’t’ understand.

 

Register with them, join the Communist party.

 

WHAT THE FUCK??? What you talking about Dan?

 

The Communists are people too, and they started with good intentions, people like Marx and Mao. They wanted a just world and promoted happiness like you do. I don’t think there’s any rules in Buddhism that says you can’t do it. It will be a great sacrifice, but think you the joy you’ll bring.

 

Ok I will do it!

Hey everybody, I just got wind of the Chinese Ambassador. They are withdrawing all their troops. Dan has freed Tibet! Your holiness we’re going home!

 

What is this strange feeling, tears on my cheeks. The Dalai Lama cannot cry. I am a happy man.

 

Those are tears of joy, your holiness. 

 

They are beautiful Dan and you are beautiful man.

 

Cool! Be sure to mention that to the Tibetan women!

I just got a strange phone call from Bangladesh where they've been reading my stories.

Don't downplay the other.

I have to find a way to preserve my art. Without it, my life will have had no meaning.

Can't women just have an abortion in another state? The problem I see with abortion is that we've made it a black and white issue. There are are mostly extremists on both sides. Further, they tend to be one issue voters. As a result, many end up adapting platforms and policies that neither they, nor any christian, would ordinarily agree with.

 

The Rebel Young Musician (Behind a Computer Screen)

CHORDS: D Em G D

Her hair is died the rainbow

Long parts in braids 

She clearly lives the music

And plays it everyday

She doesn’t have a guitar

A drum set or a bass

Her instrument is modern

Digital not analog

The world is now the future

Things aren’t as they seem

To see the rebel young musician

Being the computer screen

No more notes or rhythms

No need to write or read

For the rebel young musician

Behind the computer screen

 

Tracks, samples, loops and beats

The new face of rock and roll

Whatever would Les Paul say

Without his electric guitar

Now it’s not just Sergeant Pepper

Coming up with something new

The rebel young musician

Behind a computer screen

And she shares it to the internet

For all her friends to see

The rebel young musician

Behind the computer screen

So it is that now is the future

Bits and bytes galore

Our hand held instruments are gone

To an office computing

 

The world is made of music

But things are not as they seem

The rebel young musician

Behind a computer screen

Emily

 

I really like knowing your story Dan

 

Thank you for sharing so openly to the world. It matters

 

I'm old not really old but older enough to share my memoirs with a large body of work. It was healing to see where I went right and wrong in life and where this crazy illness came from. I think other people should do the same I learned so much

 

And you have so many beautiful roads to travel.

 

It seems to me that now you know where things came from and you can move forward in such a beautiful and positive way. I look forward to you sharing your beauty with the world. You have so much yet to share.

 

With so many memories.

 

And so much to look forward to live now. Live in the present with who you are and manifest your future I know that sounds stupid and lame the word manifested so overused, but I feel that if you shine so brightly now it will just come. I feel that you are on the right road.

 

Let’s hope so.

 

You are. Just believe it and shine brightly. You are true, you are real, share the best of you to the world. Don’t live in the past… You have already overcome it,  now be you.

You can’t get art just from me. Your path, your journey as an artist is individual. I mean I can teach you things but art, if anything is based on perception. You have to realize for yourself what your perception is. Mine seems to be a pleasant insanity.

I’m in my 50’s and I’m alone. One more time, alone again, just me, one. And of course, I find myself looking for someone, but not for sex, it’s just not that big a deal to me anymore and if I really needed it that desperately, I’d just go get a hooker and not think twice about it. Yes, I’m that kind of a guy. But even with the lack of sex interest, I’m sick of women stringing me along justto  be their friend, their best friend or whatever the fuck! What does it take to get a commitment anymore. Some people just want to share life and they want to know that person will be there. They tell me I’m great, they tell me I’m talented, they call me a genius, but in the subtext I’m not good enough. For a lot of them it’s not even about money. We know we don’t have to wait for sex till marriage, we’re way past that and if that were the case we might as well throw rocks at her and stone her if she commits adultery. The human bond is more than that and yes it’s sacred, not just to religion not only in the law but in way words can’t say and I wish I had the right words to tell you I love you.

I’m schizoaffective and I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia in the past,  yes. I don’t think it makes me a bad person. I just think it makes me and life more interesting.

While I don’t hear voices, my mind seems to be in a constant state of dialogue. Usually speaking to or with another person. I don’t know that everybody else gets that, but it can at times be very entertaining.

Michael’s perception is based on his philosophy, DaDa, absurdity, nonsense. To me, that can never be.  Even the best of philosophers have and agree upon purpose to life. Although, I’m insane, I’m not absurd. With most mental illnesses there is always a train of thought, a logic, to explain itself. Yes, erroneous at times, but sometimes just a keener way of looking at things like Columbus and a round earth.

 

I do a lot of journaling in my books. It’s amazing how many unpredictable twists and turns come about to make our own personal experiences a natural story.

Bible Budgeting podcast: Remember, it's not your money. It belongs to God first.
Nope! It belongs to me! I'm not giving you guys no money!

When I quit smoking, chocolate becomes magical.

 

My stories are doing well in third world countries like India, Somalia and Bangladesh. While they have been flooding my blog, they are difficult to market because they don’t have any money. The question is do I want to make money or do I want fame so that my name can be remembered and my art preserved. I just won’t be recognized as well in my own homeland, like a prophet.

No! You don't get it! they treat Dan totally different in those countries. 

He's famous?

They think he's a Hindu god... like in their religion!

Oh! I bet he's sucking this up. Talk about a Dan Joyce ego stroke!

A wise man knows what he doesn't know. People learn different things in different ways. So, never underestimate a man's intelligence. He may know things you don't. For example, I don't know Hindu or Buddhism, but I do know art and folk music. Therefor I can learn from you and you can learn from me.

Yes, oh great one. But how do I attain enlightenment?

Oh, stick with me baby, you'll get there. 

Someone's singing Lord, Kumbaya... common my children, meditate with me! WHOOH!

But oh blessed one, how shall we know to follow your path?

Good question, you women will have a special role in the kingdom. You'll be called groupies. 

In India, Hindu is the major religion. So as you know, we believe in reincarnation. Live a whole different life again.

Cool! I wanna come back as Britney Spears to know what it's like to be a woman... I mean... it's not a gay thing... uh... I just think she's got it together.

Dan, we just got a text from a known director in India. He wants to make a movie musical of the unlikely prophet. We're going to Bollywood!

Dan, Bollywood movies reach seven billion people every year and releases three times as many movies as Hollywood, this is a great honor for you...

That's nice! What's the pay?

You will be handling the musical score and the script itself. We would also like for you to play yourself in the movie. So, let's say three million dollars?

Hmm... let me consult with the gods of aesthetics... OK I'M IN!

I wanna be in the movie!

Ok Ms. Prophet, you get to be one of the people who walk across the screen.

Dan, I am a struggling farmer in great poverty. I need to sell my goat cheese to care for my wife and several children. Can you endorse it for me oh blessed one!

Ok, this is Vita Veta Goat Cheese and it's tasty too! Dig it! WHOOH!

I know I'm not the funniest of comedians, but that's not why I push the limits with my jokes. That's just my sense of humor. I like that I am one of the few who are doing it. It's possible that someday maybe people will be grateful for my pushing the envelope like others did. Allen Ginsberg and Lenny Bruce because idols and influences for people who followed and they had to fight great government censorship to do so.

… and that’s a rap! Thanks Dan, you’re doing wonderful, call time is six am tomorrow morning. Be sure to get enough rest.


Is this craft services. I’ll give you fifty dollars for anything like a Big Mac.

Shh! I won’t tell.

Oh blessed one, I have made some adjustments to our scipt… WAIT WHAT ARE YOU DOING???

 

Everyone, Our blessed one is bad by destroying and disrespecting a sacred cow! He’s eating a hamburger!

HE’S A FRAUD! GET ‘EM!!!

Things are going well in the new house in Laguna. It's peaceful here and I'm getting a lot of work done making new books. I can't paint yet because I don't have the space, but I'm away from a lot of negativity and negative people. I know I caused some of it, but even I need a break sometimes. Hope all is well with you.

My therapist said to tell Emily that I want to take things to the next level, but all we do is text. That's not even a level really. What would be the next level? Actually talking to each other?

I’m a hallucination, a byproduct of your schizophrenia. Haven’t you ever noticed that no one else can see me? 

 

So what are you saying, prophet. You’re me?

 

Not really but something like that. I am born out of you, in your mind, your imagination. Only, it becomes so convincing, I’m almost real. Most schizophrenics have such a being, like an imaginary friend. Only they take on characteristics to suit the individual, like Tracy had the man in the box and your black friend in the hospital had one named  Raloe. They are believed to result from chemical imbalances in the brain. I exist as your thoughts exist, your brain and your body. Ii exist in a separate dimension of consciousness and in essence take on a life of my own. However, I am created from it like a computer malfunction. In string theory it can all be mathematically calculated through science.

 

 

But why are you a prophet?

 

It’s not uncommon that the delusions of a schizophrenic are religious in nature, often talking to God himself. The schizophrenic may believe them and become convincing and in that way very believable to others. The writings of St. Paul the apostle clearly suggest such a thing.

But Saint Paul built the Christian church. Are you saying it was all founded on a schizophrenic delusion?

basically, yes.

What about Jesus and his teachings? They’ve lasted for so long.

 

I don’t think the original message of Christianity has ever been preserved. It’s more like people are reading a very large book and getting anything they want out of it. If you read them, even Paul's words differ from Christ in tone and he's the one modern Christians are quoting, not Jesus.

Yeah, but it all seems so real.

Psychosis can, that's the danger of it.


But what about the meds? Don’t they get rid of it?

 

The medicines aren’t fully effective, some simply slow down the mind so they don’t get carried away.  Many schizophrenics still hear voices on the meds, many bipolar still have mood swings. They’re just milder. There are no cure for these things, although they believe we’re coming close. 

 

So I’m still insane.

 

Yes, but when you think about it, the whole world is insane. The best minds of the twentieth century nearly brought us to a nuclear holocaust. Normal as an ideal simply doesn’t exist and no amount of modern science can make it. Nothing makes you normal.

 

And Ms. Prophet and all our adventures?

 

Delusions of grandeur, Imaginary.

 

So what can I do? My life can’t have an insane meaning.

 

Actually it can if you don’t let it take you over. You can share it all with the world, get some laughs and maybe tell them something they pretty much know,  to have confidence and to love. Just sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy the illusion.

 

But what does that mean?

 

You’ll see, it will all come to you in time.

The only other time fantasy meets reality is at a strip club.

The pope is coming to Anaheim to have a Christian revival in Angel’s stadium, there will be the best Christian musicians there and we don’t have tickets. I wish we could get a gig like that.

 

I bet we can, but it’s gonna be tricky.

 

How to we get on stage with all that protection and guards? What do you have in mind? 

 

The word Catholic means universal , but it doesn’t mean the Universe is God, or does it? Or are we all just part of God in another dimension or alternate universe or is there no God at all… Woah! I feel great let me have another brownie…

 

Tip toe though the tulips…

 

Let me get this straight. You want me, the lead guitarist for The Rolling Stones to play for the pope to promote mental health awareness. You sound mentally ill yourself.

 

Keith Richards plays guitar with my band for the pope. Yes, I am mentally ill, but that alone doesn’t make me crazy.

 

Can we have some rum first, just to loosen up?

 

The best brand.

 

Well I’ve toured the world several times over. There are few things I haven’t done in my life so why not, chap? I’m in!

 

Stop! Who’s back here… whoever you are you have one minute to Leave… oh! Cool! Brownies!

 

Quick! Hide in this room! Uh oh! There’s somebody in here.

 

Peace be with you! And also with you!

 

Pope Francis, what are you doing back stage at a concert?

 

Shh! It’s a time of deep prayer and a lovely chocolaty desert.

 

No! Don’t eat the brownies!

 

Wah???

 

Now in the highest grateful honor, let us pray for Jamaica. WHOOH!

 

Don’t worry about a thing! ‘Cause every little thing is gonna be alright… When does the music start?

 

When we somehow get you back to your seat. If we can get you to walk straight first.

 

Three little birds on my doorstep singing sweet songs…

 

Just be cool Your excellency. It will all be alright. 

 

Oh yeah! WHOOH!

 

Hello Angels Stadium. We’re The Numb Nuts and we’d like for you to join us we play for you a little bit of peace and prayer. Whooh!

 

I’ve never really prayed that much before.

 

Just be serene and speak from the heart.

 

This is a prayer I loved as a boy and in times of great difficulty, it has followed me ever since.

Hit it Keith!

 

Lord make me an instrument of your peace 

Where there is hatred let me sow love. 

Where there is injury, pardon. 

Where there is doubt, faith. 

Where there is despair, hope. 

Where there is darkness, light. 

And where there is sadness, joy.

 

O divine master grant that I may 

Not so much seek to be consoled as to console; 

To be understood as to understand; 

To be loved as to love 

For it is in giving that we receive 

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned 

And it's in dying that we are born... to eternal life. 

Amen. WHOOH!

 

Encore! Encore! Encore!

 

Take it from the top!

 

Dancing on Salvador Dali

 

D A G

 

Silk-screened madness

A puppet, a dollar or two

Dancing on Salvador Dali

My feet crushing the bones

Of his dead body

 

Jumping orgasmic sensations

Painting watercolor in the dark

Middle of the night I can’t sleep

Only paint, only write

 

I love you my insanity

I kill those who can’t relate

A magnet for dysfunction

Addictions and our pain

 

Those who sleep not troubled

With painkillers in their blood

With vinegar in their wine

They are the friends of mine

 

Speak nonsense to me Dali

I am Jean-Paul Sartre

I am your King, your glorious power

I am Jesus of the night

 

Crucify me Dali

A Spaniard on your cross

Nails hammered through

Blood and flesh and bone

And fat and skin and

Whoever knows?

 

I am my own Salvation

For I have perished on a cross

Many times, many times

I have died, I have died

Thank you brethren! Whooh!

 

Well, your excellency?

 

Your homage to St. Francis was most wonderful, but can you do it with a reggae beat!

 

AMEN! WHOOH!

Thanks prophet, that was wonderful.

Oh it doesn't end here. 

Then when?

We're not sure, but according to religion, it could last forever. The best dreams always do. - The unlikely prophet.

Thanks for coming all the way out here to Laguna, Emily. I don't have enough money for a fancy date or anything, but would you like to go for a walk with me through the hills and to the 7-Eleven?

I'd love to.

Imagination is more important than knowledge - Albert Einstein.

 

 

  

Clothing and Merchandise

If you like this story, please support with a PayPal, credit or debit card donation so I can make more and continue to advocate on behalf of the mental health community.

0 comments

Leave a comment