Confession – Dan Joyce art


Confession

Posted by Dan Joyce on

 

The following story is for entertainment only

Although it is based on the truth of my life

Remember, I am not a psychologist

And this is not a prescription for anything

It is simply one case study

But I fear there may be more

 

 

I sat down to write a short list of things that bother me.

  1. 1. Have you taken your meds?
  2. 2. You’re lazy You don’t do enough for me
  3. 3. We’re getting you the help you need.
  4. 4. You’re on the wrong meds or not taking them right
  5. 5. You need more mental health treatment
  6. 6. You’re taking in too much sugar, caffeine, red meat, Cheetos…
  7. 7. Don’t use your illness as an excuse
  8. 8. I will help you
  9. 9. God will cure you
  10. 10. People are uncomfortable with you

I don’t believe you’re mentally ill. I don’t see it.

  1. 11. Psychos kill people
  2. 12. Get help!
  3. 13. It’s all in your head
  4. 14. Don’t take the medicine it’s bad
  5. 15. You don’t need that doctor/therapist
  6. 16. You’re perfectly fine
  7. 17. This or that thing I don’t like about you is your illness
  8. 18. Just get a job, a car, a house and a mortgage and you won’t have stress
  9. 19. I’ve just got a few things I want you to change
  10. 20. Don’t listen to your counselor, listen to me
  11. 21. You are the problem with the family
  12. 22. It’s your problem, you deal with it
  13. 23. You’re cheating the government for money. I work!
  14. 25. You’re smart enough to figure this out for yourself
  15. 27. 27. You’re a vegetable
  16. 28. 28. Why can’t you find the right man/woman?
  17. 29. 29. Your friends made you like this
  18. 30. 30. Child abuse has nothing to do with mental illness

I don’t know if my brother hit me over the head with a brick when I was two. I just have a scar on my head, that’s the only evidence and I’ve heard stories. When you’re two you don’t remember anything. Especially after getting hit over the head with a brick.

  1. 31. 31. There’s no such thing as normal, we’re all a little crazy
  2. 32. 32. This is because of the pot you smoked
  3. 33. 33. You need tough love! Go live on the streets!
  4. 34. 34. Living here will help you and not just get you away from us
  5. 35. 35. I don’t have what you have
  6. 36. 36. My psychiatrist says you have the problem
  7. You’re gonna love me whether you like it or not
  8. I’m gonna give you something cry about

Let me convince you you’re dangerous

You blame people all the time. That’s what causes all your problems

  1. 37. 37. Aren’t all families dysfunctional
  2. 38. 38. I can show you how to be normal
  3. 39. 39. Your diagnosis is just a label
  4. 40. 40. If you think you’re crazy you’ll be crazy

That’s a good question. I’ve got a question for you. Do questions help you hear the answers you want?

  1. 41. 41. This is an act or a game
  2. 42. 42. Doctors are all drug dealer
  3. 43. 43. Just forget about your traumatic past
  4. 44. 44. I’m going to give therapy to your parents now
  5. 45. 45. Why is social security on your job application?
  6. 46. 46. I wish I could go to college on government money

Sit down, you’re pretty. Thank you, would you like a brownie? Yes, are you sitting next to me because I’m handsome? Class I am now passing out the test.

  1. 47. 47. They may seem slow but they’re part of our group
  2. 48. 48. If you went to the gym you wouldn’t have schizophrenia
  3. 49. I ll give you an example. The parents take their son to a psychiatrist and constantly tell him that the boy is not cleaning his room. But what is that a symptom of? Bipolar? Schizophrenia, Depression. No! The kid’s just messy!
  4. 50. 49. Don’t go 5150 on me
  5. You always come home from Catholic school crying. Toughen up!
  6. 51. 50. I think my girlfriend is bipolar
  7. 52. 51. Marijuana and alcohol are harmful drugs. Cigarettes and coffee aren’t.
  8. 53. 52. What are the voices saying?
  9. 54. 53. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, guess which side you’re on
  10. 55. 54. Let me teach you logic
  11. 56. 55. Everybody has a little bit wrong with them, but some people have a lot
  12. 57. 56. Can’t we force it on him a little?
  13. 58. 57. What legal resources are therapeutic?
  14. 59. 58. We want you to apologize to all the people who have wronged you.
  15. 60. The big book is 164 pages long. War and Peace is only 1296.
  16. 61. 59. I had a driink, I lost my soul, turned into a donkey and started running around with Pinocchio!
  17. 62. 60. We weren’t sure if you needed more acute treatment, so we talked to your parents
  18. 63. 61. My doctor says art and philosophy are bad for your mental health. You need religion and conservative politics
  19. 64. 62. You’re going to put me in the poorhouse. Now go back to your group home.
  20. 65. 63. I have the common cold of mental illness. You are very sick.

Mom’s shrink is teaching her about something called Tough Love.

  1. 66. 64. There’s nothing in the will for you. You need mental health treatment.
  2. 67. 65. So you went to college and fed yourself. You’re cheating the system,
  3. 68. 66. We’re not giving you your inheritance. We’re gonna let go with love.
  4. 69. 67. You’re too ill to handle decent living conditions.
  5. 70. 68. We asked your doctor if you were pathological
  6. 71. 69. We did the best we could. We can’t help it if that was fucked up!
  7. 72. 70. We think homelessness will cure his alcoholism and mental health.
  8. 73. 71. Sometimes you have to hit your child.
  9. 74. 72. They thought abuse caused mental illness, but that just made the parents feel guilty.
  10. 75. 73. You don’t need a job, an apartment or a girlfriend. You’re getting mental health.
  11. 76. 74. Outpatient is like having a job.
  12. 77. 75. The doctor said I’m the best patient he’s ever had. You’re not!
  13. 78. 76. I have love hate feelings for my son. He’s such a handsome boy, but what a fuck up!
  14. 79. 77. You’ll never be able to do as much.
  15. 80. 78. I never needed a college degree. I sponsored guys in AA for 10 years.
  16. 81. 79. We’re not forcing you to do anything. It’s my house you’ll do what I say.
  17. 82. 80. You’re a grown man you can take care of yourself. Now treat your sickness.
  18. 83. 81. We told your therapist we never hit you.
  19. 84. 82. You’re a bad person.

There’s nothing I can do. Let me talk to family. They own property. I’m going to be homeless I have two jobs lined up and a car. You can’t move in with me. It’s too hard. Mom I didn’t ask that. It will be moments before she gives notice. She’s not a girlfriend but she’s erratic. This is a madhouse. Not that the family wants me in one. Can’t you find a place through the clinic? They’re filled with drugs and theft, the counselors even know. It’s for more acute cases. But they help Danny. I can pay rent if I’m not eating out of the garbage. Please, let me talk to the family on the phone. I won’t let you. They are mad and fighting it’s not a good idea. Mom, I don’t know how to tell you this, but you’re getting old. Enjoy church.

 

This is not just my mother. She’s getting coached. The fact that I’m in a crisis situation and no not one of seven siblings is answering the phone because they all happen to all be busy. We went out of town for the day. Tell me they’re not hiding something. Have you taken your meds? 

 

I'm not going to a board and care or a sober living. It's just the same thing only homeless doesn't bleed you for money.

The Republican says he’ll give us jobs. The Democrat says he’ll get a job. I’m just looking for a job in my field. I have a good resume, got its all printed up at the social services.

You’re in the room with those other four. there’s 18 residents. Rent is $800. Do you get social security or GR? Provide your own food. Don’t touch nobody’s nothing and be respectful. We have one way of handling things around here. One slip or any rule broken and you’re on the street. Watch your meds. A lot of us just got out. We all go to AA and NA it’s a nice neighborhood. 

 

  • You best worry about getting revenge on your mother and siblings.

I need to find a way to maintain food and rent. Right now I'd better kiss up. Revenge comes in secret as I just keep writing. 

a lot of people have been watching as I've been posting my book. Waiting to hear back from publishers

 

  1. 85. 83. Don’t you want to be free and independent? Now take your medicine.
  2. 86. 84. You take meds? We've saved a seat for you over here on the group W bench.
  3. 87. 85. Why do you go to outpatient on such a short bus?
  4. 88. 86. I couldn’t handle having a huge family. There was stress, I felt overloaded. So, I hit you.
  5. 89. 87. We weren’t abusive. It’s all in your head. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. If you don’t. We will.
  6. 90. 88. Isn’t the sign of maturity when you stop blaming your parents? No, it’s when they stop doing shit.
  7. 91. 89. I was badly abused as a child. So what I’m doing to you isn’t really the same thing.
  8. 92. 90. The doctor says my mother is pathological. They’re having a session to discuss what to do with me.
  9. 93. 91. They say your mental illness is hereditary. But we don’t know where it came from.
  10. 94. 92. All you want is money, so we’re taking it away!
  11. 95. 93. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you drink. You can have one beer and still be an alcoholic. Yeah if you’re a mouse.
  12. 96. 94. Why did I suddenly need intensive psychiatry after I asked to see the will?
  13. 97. 95. We gave you a curfew, we wouldn’t let you date, we forced you to church, we disapproved of all your friends and you’re rebelling. Why?
  14. 98. 96. I left a note on my bed. Mom, not going to school today. Went to the Colosseum to see The Rolling Stones. Will be home late. P.S. took the car. You were a bad boy. Yeah, some kids are. That's why there's treatment.

Who did you get in a fight with? The basketball team.

  1. 99. 97. The program says you can’t have a bank account
  2. 100. 98. I love all my children equally, you’re just the one I’m putting away.
  3. 101. 99. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nuff said
  4. 102. 100. A beating with a belt, because your Child needs to learn violence at the youngest age possible
  5. 103. 101. We found pot in your room That’s what’s making you crazy. You’re getting a big Whooping!
  6. 104. 102. My father beat me but I’m grateful for it. He taught me respect. What are you talking about officer? Respect for what? Now I don’t even trust you with a gun.
  7. 105. 103. ...and this is the recreation room where you can have juice and cookies and watch a movie while you work out your troubles.
  8. 106. 104. This is a good place. They'll help you quit the drinking and the pot. And just for you doing this we'll buy you a carton of cigarettes once a week.
  9. 107. 105. When you have children of your own you’ll see why I’m doing this.
  10. 108. 106. You’re spoiled! My father beat me even worse.
  11. 109. 107. I don’t play favorites, but you’ll never be as good at that as Suzy.
  12. 110. 108. What’s the difference between you and your son’s illness? I’m functional. My husband takes care of me.
  13. 111. 109. The psychiatrist said I’m extremely sane after the multiple abuse I went through, but he didn’t have good things to say about treating you.

You don't do anything! Your father goes out and works for IBM all day. You just play with the computer.

  1. 112. 110. Our psychiatrist used to be a professional football player for the Bears. He got out of the game when he tackled a player and broke both his arms and legs. He didn’t realize how strong he was.
  2. 113. 111. The food’s bad. The nurses are mean. The patients are psychotic. The medicine is too strong. You’re incarcerated. You complain about everything.
  3. 114. 112. So we took away your car so you couldn’t get to your job, we cut you out of the trust fund, we cut your college funds, we wouldn’t help with rent when you were homeless. But not everybody gets the blessings you have.
  4. 115. 113. I know they’re all convicts at the sober living, but they’re good people

Look, I’m desperate and I need your help. If you were drawing and I was in a boat I would throw you a life raft. That’s just humanity I’ve always thought highly of you, you’re intelligent, diplomatic and a, a fighter, my strongest sibling and you’re my sister.  I’ve always thought you would be a good card in my pocket, but you’re not a card, you’re a person and I can’t predict you or play you like a card at all. But you’d make a good queen of hearts. And not the one from Alice in Wonderland either. Call me! I Don’t know if I’m gonna live through this.

She doesn’t want to talk to you.

You're always drowning. I don't want to be bothered. Two weeks ago. You offered to find me a place to live. You offered to help me with my car insurance. Now you're taking that back. When it wil harm me the most. I’m going to lose everything I’ve worked for. That's why the doctor's are concerned. Mom.

 

It is illegal for you you to physically force me out in a rental agreement. The police said, if you do that again to call them. They probably told you that.

She doesn’t want to talk to you

The last time I seriously drank was about six years ago through AA. I take my meds see a therapist, go to groups and see my doctor. I call my sponsor daily. Right now I’m going to the Clinic to get my medicine and see a counselor. The medicine ran out when the pharmacy didn’t mail them. I had to wait to get them.

Jenny has been threatening to give me notice. I want a written agreement. The police said if she tries to force me out physically again to videotape her and Call them. No she’s not my girlfriend. She’s not my type.

 

  1. 116. 114. Make the best of it! Does that hurt?

The doctor says you’re self-medicating. Yeah, but my prescription is better.

I went to anger management and they all got mad at me.

I WANT MY BONG! THEY WON’T LET ME HAVE IT. I WANT SHOOT EVERYBODY WITH A GUN AND KILL EVERYBODY! Leonard, feel your feelings.

  1. 117. 115. You weren’t serious about college. You were studying graphic design, web development and advertising. You were an art major. Your brother is studying Anthropology.
  2. 118. 116. Honey, you're not seeing it. I really don't want to win this argument, but you've never seen it in person because you wouldn't. My mom makes fun of you when you're not around. She's not well. She's not like the Christian women you meet at the church.
  3. 119. There’s nice people everywhere. It just depends on where you go.
  4. 120. You’re. medication is blocking your contact with God.
  5. 121. 117. The good jobs In my field were in LA county. So when they took the car I couldn’t get to them or an interview, just maybe McDonald’s and I won’t do that. But why think I’m’ better than just because I worked real hard and got a college education?
  6. 122. If Alcoholics Anonymous ever falls something will come to take its place. Let’s just hope it’s better

“You said you drank everyday after I said I did. You need to quit school so you can work on your sobriety with us. We are strong in numbers like a gang. Great, I’ve been an alcoholic for two weeks and already I’ve dropped out of school and joined a gang.

They showed up at my parent’s house, they show up at my work, they showed up at my gym, they found me in an undisclosed apartment with a security code on the door. Anonymity is an amazing thing. They can find you anywhere!

  1. 123. Officer I’m being stalked, threatened and they said they got guns. Just go back to AA. You’ll do better when you quit drinking.
  2. 124. In LA I met Charlie Sheen a couple times. I don’t think he’d remember me. Then again, I’m hard to forget.

Isn't there somewhere I can report this in AA and do something about it. Actually not, there are no AA police. But there are plenty of AA criminals. 

 

Obsession is actually kind of nice because you’re thinking of somebody else and not yourself, unless you don’t have her permission.

  1. 125. Yes, they talk about guns, but they made it sound more like a hobby.
  2. 126. You have to have respect for an alcoholic like you have respect for a gun, but we’re not a dangerous cult.

In college I got the highest grade in the class, Critical Thinklng, but I don’t argue a lot or cuss people out. That’s not in the rules of critical thinking.

 

 

  1. 127. I usually call my writing process message in a bottle, but this one is a cry for help!

What do you want? Someone to rescue you? No I. just want to sit here and suffer.

AA has no doctors, professional or medical involvement of any kind. .They discourage it because it.might make you drink.

  1. 128. 118. This is the social worker, he’ll be responsible for your housing, your treatment, your meals, your social security, your 12 step program, talk frequently with your family, your behavior at the group home, and your outpatient program. But if it doesn’t work out the social worker will have another place for you. He’s not a socialist though…
  2. 129. 119. The sedatives don’t work when you have caffeine
  3. 130. 120. Not all artists have to starve, just the ones with no talent or bad family.

The punk rock was a strange breed. Back then we didn’t dress up or have funny hair or anything maybe just a leather jacket, some jeans and some boots. We fought, hit and hit it  hard. We were angry and we were loud and the music wasn’t that bad. We were a live fast die young generation. My friend sang with a band called the Adolescents a little. I don’t know the story that well. He knew a lot of people. He had been sent to rehab I think at 14. I quit when he died of an overdose. Party’s over!

I don’t want to burn the whole establishment down. I don’t think that would be constructive.

"Republicans are wrong and should be completely removed, but they're the other half of the population.

Most conservatives I listen to. But I don’t want to listen to it from my brother. You shouldn’t have to do that. It’s not that I don’t like your politics, but you’re weird. You’re weird conservative and I’m a weird liberal. I don’t wanna talk politics today. There’s got to be something else we can do together. Do you still collect guns?"

Everybody believes in God. Why don’t you?

  1. 131. At Sex Addicts Anonymous, we make circles to decide for yourself which behaviors you can or can't do.
  2. 132. 121. Too many people fail. Don’t try to do art for a living. Do outpatient.
  3. 133. 122. LVN is a 13 month program and you become a psyche tech. And you get authority over all the psych patients.

I’m a very opinionated writer. Sometimes I’m wrong, but I’m a writer.

I don’t have any structure or plan to this. I have some important topics and scenes. Then I just keep throwing stuff in. Ever have a lot of spices laying around while you’re making spaghetti

  1. 134. 123. You don’t need a degree or experience in psychology to run a board and care. I came from the Philippines where having mental illness is terribly shameful.
  2. 135. 124. You have to be here at exactly six to eat your dinner. Tonight we’re having frozen burritos.
  3. 136. 125. We don’t want you to work while you’re here because of your social security. Maybe get a job under the table. But I didn’t say that. Shhh!
  4. 137. 126. Why do you want a woman to give you half oral sex and half vaginal sex? This is goals group.
  5. 138. 127. I own IBM. I own Amazon. I own Microsoft. I own Bell Air. I own God. He’s on my payroll.
  6. 139. 128. I have multiple personality disorder. That wasn’t me
  7. 140. 129. They’re just like you.
  8. 141. 130. They say we’re working towards going to school or getting a job, but everybody’s ignorant and unemployed.
  9. 142. 131. And we give you a gym membership. Just sign up for the HMO
  10. 143. 132. My counselor is ordered from the probation department. I’m not telling him anything.
  11. 144. 133. You act like a caged animal. You’re not a caged animal. Now go back to your unit.
  12. 145. 134. We all have our troubles
  13. 146. 135. All in order. The state conservatorship trial. Can we hear from the family?

Alright Dr. This is what I came up with, I want him to get up on time, go to bed early, eat right, exercise, clean up, not drink, no pot, hold a regular job, support himself, maintain his own place, date and marry a good Catholic woman, watch his temper, take his meds, go to therapy, improve his grades, shave and groom himself, listen to healthy music, painting nudes, study engineering, stay away from the neighbors…

  1. 147. 136. This is the last house on the block. That’s ok!
  2. 148. 137. The help I need is a lawyer
  3. Alcoholics Anonymous is so desperate to recruit they define alcoholism as anything. They say you can be a good family man, that you can have a successful career, a doctor, a CEO, a priest, you can have a P.H.D. Taking care of your mother... It doesn't matter how much or how little you drank??? How does that work??? That’s not true. It’s a disease that can affect anyone. What about all those famous people?

There’s no medical involvement at any time. They discourage it because it might make you drink.

I’m an acholic because I like the affect produced by alcohol. I don’t. I love the taste of Bud Light.

The scientists found a gene for alcoholism. It’s somehere on the 5th Chromosome on the third genome. I’m not a scientist, but in this case they’re right.

Mom’s lawyer just confiscated my medicine. She gave to him. I’ll try to get it back tonight. He’ll be at the meeting.

  1. 149. 138. My mother asked for treatment from my therapist. Two sessions and I’m almost institutionalized.
  2. 150. 139. I told the college intern I wanted to talk about something heavy. She said she could handle it. I told her about the jail  rape. She started screaming and bouncing around like Daffy Duck. She couldn’t handle it.
  3. 151. 140. The psychologist is bound by law to keep secret everything I say. So I just fuck with him.
  4. 152. 141. Why in the world would you come home with that horrible mentally ill woman? Because you put me in a mental institution.

Thorozine – an unpleasant vacation from thought

  1. 153. 142. We had your child put up for adoption because I didn’t want to have to take care of him. It was a tough decision
  2. 154. 143. I know smoking is bad for you and you die, but I kind of want to die. You kill yourself one puff at a time. If you ever want to kill yourself just a little, you can always have a smoke.

To drink is to die! Gonna happen some day.

One beer doesn’t do anything. You might as well have a Pepsi. Don’t risk relapse!

I never really knew my son. It’s even hard for me to remember how old he is. I think it was best for him, the family that raised him. It was still heartbreaking. He was my boy. I wanted to play ball with him, I wanted to help him with his math, I wanted to teach him guitar. I figured I’m an artist so he should be a musician. Raise my to be a rock star. I’d be a cool dad!

  1. 155. 144. What led up to my conviction I was starving and  panhandling outside the am/pm for food on my 50th birthday. Now her and my angry sister-in-law are saying I had food. They testified
  2. 156. 145. The police said I would be charged with breaking and entering. I was convicted of felony strike residential burglary. I didn't steal anything. I just went into my mothers home without her permission. She also issued a restraining order for elder abuse.
  3. 157. 146. I got three months served, three years probation, a felony on my record so I couldn't work and mental health.
  4. 158. 147. On  my 70th birthday, your sister took me to Paris. Look I have pictures!
  5. 159. 148. I’m not bailing you out and I took away your money.

What’s your full name? Daniel Larry JoyceDo you have any disabilitiesBipolarIs there any reason you can’t work? I don’t want to make moneyDo you need me to repeat the charges?

Court is hard on my mentally illness. All they have to do is say I’m bipolar and I’ve lost the case. I don’t know how. Many times that was used as evidence against me.

I’m a victim of society and amateur psychology and abusive parents and a bad neighborhood and a union job… but you can’t blame me, I was born an alcoholic.

All my life I’ve tried to be good. 99% of the time I have. It’s just that damn one percent.

I started art when I saw a picture by van Gogh in an encyclopedia. He was bipolar and I could relate. Then I found out he cut off his ear killed himself and didn’t make a dime. I started studying Andy Warhol.

You don’t want the painting. You picked that one out. I told you that you could have any painting in the gallery and you don’t want it! Mom, do you see why I’m dysfunctional?

This is painting of Robert Downy Jr. It uses a colorful drip and splatter technique much like Jackson Pollack. It is portrait of the actor and it’s framed. I highly recommend it. But you might not like him and like someone else. You can have any painting on the wall. Pick one before mom does.

When anybody steals my art, I consider it a compliment. They went out of their way.

When You’re chatting everything to your therapist on the phone. You need a girlfriend.

You were a good critic and a good friend. Sorry it didn’t work out. That was probably my fault. I wore on you and drained you and pestered you and became too much. But I like talking to you and I did enjoy that time. You said we have nothing in common. Let’s look at the similarities. You have a vast education in art a, a lot of critics don’t. You’re extremely knowledgeable in literature and I like to write. I think you even like musical theater. You have a lot more in common with me than a football fan. I’m sorry I accused you of all those things you didn’t do. I was thinking about a lot of other people. I got mad at everybody and I thought they were you. It was a case of mistaken identity. Maybe we could see each other again someday and you could look at one of my drawings or read something I wrote and tell me what you think. I promise I won’t be so sensitive this time.

  1. 160. 149. If you’re not crazy when you get here, you will be when you get out.
  2. 161. 150. Why did you attempt suicide? Because the treatment made my life so good.

The AA big book is often referred to by the counselor in psychiatric group settings and of course it’s widely used in AA; That makes him dual diagnosis.

We need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Well technically I’m not an alcoholic anymore. So I can write whatever the fuck I want!

You mean to say you haven’t been kidnapped raped tortured butt fucked and murdered by a Columbian cartel YET

I don’t think it’s a cult. I think it’s a religion. All religions have stupid things they say and they’re easy to debunk. Purgatory is not like heaven but a little like Hell but you can get out or you can be there for a really long time. Or. You have a higher power, a God that you get to make up, We all believe in him and we believe in your Gods too. We live in a free tolerant confusing overpopulated spiritual community. God bless AA. 12 Step and religions can be stupid, in cults you disappear.

  1. 162. 151. Do you know why I’m trying to get you to shave, brush your teeth, do your hair and look better? Cause you’re gay?
  2. 163. 152. All your problems are of your own making. Even your parents beating you,
  3. 164. 153. In art group I’ve been working hard on art. This is a picture of you. That looks like a penis.
  4. 165. 154. Draw an image that best describes you… Well it’s a puppet and it’s got strings and people pull them.
  5. 166. 155. We don’t like him, but he’s gonna need more treatment.
  6. 167. 156. Passive is giving up your coffee. Assertive is buying your coffee and letting others do the same. Aggressive is taking someone else’s coffee. Passive Aggressive is poisoning their coffee.

My parents owned property in a bad neighborhood. They moved me in to make it better, but I made it get worse.

  1. 168. 157. I know this is a slummy boarding building and you have no money, your family is abusive and you’ve lost everything, just take a few deep breaths, things are getting better.
  2. 169. 158. Why are you standing here asking for money? Are you on drugs? No, my family took my job then they made me see a psychiatrist and told him stuff about me and then they put me in a mental institution and… Here’s a buck!

Congressman, I spoke to you years ago about an issue that was very important, the one issue most important to me. Now there’s two. Can you help me find a housing program? I’m not very good at this.

Mom I need help! There’s nothing I can do. I’m busy running the apartments.

  1. 170. 159. Sensitive people won’t make this program, but we welcome everybody
  2. 171. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Some people don’t know what you should look for to determine if you’re an acoholic? Empty bottles!
  3. 172. 160. It’s just too hard on us to visit you all poor and desperate. Your mental illness is too depressing.
  4. 173. 161. Tell me about your dreams. Scary
  5. 174. 162. I Don’t need a psychiatrist or therapist like you. I just go to the family doctor and take one prozac and I’m fine.
  6. 175. 163. Your sister has a good job and is very wealthy. So, she can drink a case of beer a day.
  7. 176. For years I didn't know what I was taking. That's bad, because if you miss a dose, you don't know where to find it.
  8. 177. Mom there's 12 containers. I don't know which ones to take?
  9. 178. Just count to 12.

Hello? Hello? Yes I’m here. I’m just listening. That’s what we do on the help line. Yeah but I can’t tell on the other side of the phone. Listening sounds like hung up.

This is mania. It’s like a drunkenness. You’re really happy and you get poor judgement. I’d see the doctor but he’s the one that messed it up I think. He just started seeing me. So I don’t think he had enough information on me. I should go to AA. They have a bunch.

  1. 179. 164. We told the doctor about your compulsive spending. You can’t have money. I can.
  2. 180. 165. We want to take control of his finances. He’s not budgeting his government check.
  3. 181. We're family members. We paid for this group.

If you had a bad relationship with your mother, your girlfriends will be the same. I’m fucked!

No, I’ve had girlfriends that weren’t like my mother and she didn’t like them.

On our way to Disneyland we stopped by my.family’s house, she sat on the couch and the family just stared at my date.

She screams at me and yells at me and cusses me out! She’s good for you.”

 

  1. 182. 166. That abusive AA sponsor was good for you. We talked to him on the phone.

All of the 12 steps came from a now defunct Christian cult called the Oxford group and after his spiritual experience, Bill copywrote them and that’s the history of AA. You’re on your way to getting sober kid. I believe in you.

I've been clean and sober a couple decades, but I had a beer on New Year's Eve. So I had to start over. I didn't like the beer. It tastes bad. It tasted bad back then. I just wanted to be cool.

Did I offend you? No why. Sometimes I get a little careless and joke around too much not thinking about what I do. It’s called mania, it’s like a drunkenness, but really happy. I shouldn’t have just told you that, but sometimes you have to explain yourself. Like when you get caught in the candy jar. No, it’s insanity mom.

In the movie, The Caine Mutiny, Humphrey Bogart plays a paranoid captain. Every time he thinks people are against him, he jiggles two steel ball in his hand. I hate the symbolism of that. So, an admiral figures out this pattern and realizes it’s from paranoia. He knows this from something he had read. He tells everybody. Later, the ship is in a crisis situation and Bogart starts doing that. They use this as an excuse to overthrow the ship. But if he was delusional wasn’t real, why did they overthrow the ship? The message is that paranoid people sometimes do things overtly or subconsciously to make their worst nightmare come true. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. I may be doing it to you.

I’m looking for shelter, my family has all blocked me, a politician wants to talk to me, my therapist is leaving, but has something to say to me, Im worried about the government and I keep writing and posting it. Could I be making this happen? Wow! I didn’t know paranoid was such a reality in this world.

I’ve started a meeting of Dual Diagnosis anonymous. If you are and alcholic or addict and in psychiatric care you are welcome. We honor your time. Thursday afternoon at the church. It’s a terrific supportive group, we are not doctors but may give advice, it’s a great place to be clean and sober and we have a lot of fun when the nurses aren’t looking

  1. 183. 167. You’re playing a guilt trip on me. That’s impossible.
  2. 184. 168. My biggest fear is that my paranoia is not an illusion
  3. 185. 169. It doesn’t help to be right all the time. You can be wrong. Try being wrong one day at a time.
  4. 186. 170. Mother, the medicine has been making my hand shake so bad I won’t be able to paint. I know but we want what’s best for you

We don’t do art therapy anymore. Other than a cathartic release we found it had little benefit at all and the paint cost too much..

  1. 187. 171. You fried your brain on drugs. I smoked pot in High School.
  2. 188. 172. Then why didn’t you work? You put me in boarding homes and institutions. We weren’t allowed to work. They had a candy store in one. Me and Tracy ran it. They trusted us with the money.

We got romantic so often, I don’t remember sleeping

Now that I have the conservatorship I can just put a pair of handcuffs on her and lock her up in an institution. At least you’re not impersonating a police officer.

Laura’s law will allow your family to have you evaluated and hospitalized without your permission. Wanna sign the petition?

  1. 189. 173. He told the counselor that his father burned him with a cigarette and they reported it. What a thing to do!
  2. 190. 174. It’s easy to explain the cigarette scar. He was fighting with him.
  3. 191. 175. He doesn’t always hit me usually he just grabs me throws me on the ground puts my head down and forces my chest into the cement until I suffocate. He goes to parent groups
  4. 192. 176. At the group they teach us that it's not our fault. They teach you that it's mine.
  5. 193. 177. Dad I got back from AA today I just quit drinking and pot. WAIT! DAD! NO DAD NO! DAD NO! STOP DAD DAD DAD STOP NO!
  6. 194. 178. The police asked me why you called them and not me.
  7. 195. 179. You're different. Cops don't usually have sympathy. The word is empathy. That's where I learned the word empathy. I never heard it before.
  8. 196. 180. Next they’ll be calling that child abuse
  9. 197. 181. Mom, my lawyer says he’s representing you now.
  10. 198. 182. Bankruptcy cases are simple. The lawyer takes all your money. Then he declares you bankrupt.
  11. 199. 183. At AA they kept saying Bipolar moment and laughing. I think that's mean. What if bipolar people said stuff like that about them? I just had an alcoholic moment. I peed on the lawn.
  12. 200. 184. Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Nobody likes a victim. I spent ten years in prison. I don’t like victims.
  13. 201. 185. I like Donald Trump. I didn't vote for him. Hell no! I just think he's cool. He's crazy, like me!
  14. 202. 186. Sex is only for procreation, not just love
  15. 203. 187. Children obey your parents… no matter what
  16. 204. 188. Why do you like that angry depressing music?
  17. 205. 189. Honor your mother and father but not yourself
  18. 206. 190. My perfect place is the graveyard .
  19. 207. 191. Hey! I got some terrible news at the clinic. Mom is pathological. We just found out!
  20. 208. 192. There's no bound secrecy in AA. It's just an honor system. So if they have honor, you're good
  21. 209. 193. I know you're my AA sponsor, but are you sure I should just use you and not the therapist because therapists don't know what they're doing?
  22. 210. 194. AA doesn’t talk politics. But I like your stance on Vietnam. After talking to you I realized what I learned about it was staunch and rigid and wrong. But we’ll have to split on AA.

Thanks for inviting me to lunch. Libertarian is a nice political philosophy, but I don’t want to hear it while I’m eating

I can’t stand conspiracy theories. They’re hard to follow and their delusional. They need to research medicine for that. I had a girlfriend who kept going on about them. I hung up on her. She kept calling and I kept hanging up.

It’s not smart to flirt with somebody you’re not interested. I mean you can do it, but I don’t think the outcome’s gonna be good.

I never knew you were an intelligent regular person. I always thought you.were just a transient suffering.

You’re not old enough to talk politics.

My brain needed to be washed.

They’ve got a men’s meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and once a year they go out to the desert to teach the new men how to use guns. Perfectly safe.

  1. 211. If a person has schizophrenia or bipolar they should have the option available to seek treatment for themselves.. It should not be forced. There gonna hear it from someone. No one becomes that mentally ill and is the last one to know,
  2. 212. 195. My brain needed to be washed.
  3. 213. 196. They said the marijuana didn’t cause my mental illness. They said it was.caused by you!
  4. 214. 197. You're a brilliant artist. You're a genius. No, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to cook. Geniuses know everything.
  5. 215. 198. Don't worry about that. That's. my 4th step. It's all over the place.
  6. 217. 200. e4th step stuff
  7. 218. 201. I promise you I will never do that again and I will never take another drink in my life if I have to die first.
  8. 219. 202. When this Is all done, I'll either be rich or kill myself or both, but I'll go to a meeting first.

Allen Ginsberg had a huge legal battle over his monumental poem Howl that moved an entire generation. Whatever happened to fighting censorship?

A lot of my books were banned, Not by the government, but by people I pissed off. Why do you do it? I do it to challenge this country. I wanna fight for it.

  1. 220. I wanted to establish that the main character had become a garbled mess, so I used myself for reference.
  2. 221. For research I sought help from people who were whacked out and unprofessional. So, I chose and environment that was completely insane. An environment that was a harm to themselves and others. went to 12-step groups.

When I discovered my girlfriend was 14 years old, I hit bottom.

The gentlemen came in and said it was the best thing for our daughter. Next thing you know she was smoking cigarettes getting tattoos and dating a convict, but she doesn’t drink.

It’s not such a bad thing to be sober. It’s just the way they go about doing it

I felt guilty when I killed a man drunk driving that increased my drinking. But when I killed a man in a barfight, the judge exonerated me because I’m an upstanding member of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous, New York Central office. Yes, I have a question. If a woman is sexually assaulted or raped in AA What legal services do you offer? The Yellow Pages. My homegroup didn’t believe me.”

My drinking is really bad. It’s affecting my college and my modeling. Should I go to AA? Try to moderate.

I want to be famous for my art. I’ve put too much work into it.

  1. 222. 203. The ideations started in Junior High. A girl at my school committed suicide. I thought it was cool.
  2. 223. 1. I tried suicide after high school. I got a job at a grocery store. I wasn't popular. They didn't like me at all and were mean, sometimes threatening. They would act strange to confuse me. My dad got me that. job. I was hired on as a scab, then permanent.

November 18, 1978

  1. ©Dan Joyce 2021

 

The following story is for entertainment only

Although it is based on the truth of my life

Remember, I am not a psychologist

And this is not a prescription for anything

It is simply one case study

But I fear there may be more

 

Have You Taken Your Meds?

I sat down to write a short list of things that bother me.

  1. 1. Have you taken your meds?
  2. 2. You’re lazy You don’t do enough for me
  3. 3. We’re getting you the help you need
  4. 4. You’re on the wrong meds or not taking them right
  5. 5. You need more mental health treatment
  6. 6. You’re taking in too much sugar, caffeine, red meat, Cheetos…
  7. 7. Don’t use your illness as an excuse
  8. 8. I will help you
  9. 9. God will cure you
  10. 10. People are uncomfortable with you
  11. 11. Psychos kill people
  12. 12. Get help!
  13. 13. It’s all in your head
  14. 14. Don’t take the medicine it’s bad
  15. 15. You don’t need that doctor/therapist
  16. 16. You’re perfectly fine
  17. 17. This or that thing I don’t like about you is your illness
  18. 18. Just get a job, a car, a house and a mortgage and you won’t have stress
  19. 19. I’ve just got a few things I want you to change
  20. 20. Don’t listen to your counselor, listen to me
  21. 21. You are the problem with the family
  22. 22. It’s your problem, you deal with it
  23. 23. You’re cheating the government for money
  24. 24. I work!
  25. 25. You’re smart enough to figure this out for yourself
  26. 27. You’re a vegetable
  27. 28. Why can’t you find the right man/woman?
  28. 29. Your friends made you like this
  29. 30. Child abuse has nothing to do with mental illness
  30. 31. There’s no such thing as normal, we’re all a little crazy
  31. 32. This is because of the pot you smoked
  32. 33. You need tough love! Go live on the streets!
  33. 34. Living here will help you and not just get you away from us
  34. 35. I don’t have what you have
  35. 36. My psychiatrist says you have the problem

You’re gonna love me whether you like it or not

Let me give you something cry about

  1. 37. Aren’t all families dysfunctional
  2. 38. I can show you how to be normal
  3. 39. Your diagnosis is just a label
  4. 40. If you think you’re crazy you’ll be crazy

That’s a good question. I’ve got a question for you. Do questions help you hear the answers you want?

  1. 41. This is an act or a game
  2. 42. Doctors are all drug dealer
  3. 43. Just forget about your traumatic past
  4. 44. I’m going to give therapy to your parents now
  5. 45. Why is social security on your job application?
  6. 46. I wish I could go to college on government money
  7. 47. They may seem slow but they’re part of our group
  8. 48. If you went to the gym you wouldn’t have schizophrenia
  9. I ll give you an example. The parents take their son to a psychiatrist and constantly tell him that the boy is not cleaning his room. But what is that a sypmtom of? Bipolar? Schizophrenia, Depression. No! The kid’s just messy!
  10. 49. Don’t go 5150 on me

You always come home from Catholic school crying. Toughen up!

  1. 51. 50. I think my girlfriend is bipolar
  2. 52. 51. Marijuana and alcohol are harmful drugs. Cigarettes and coffee aren’t.
  3. 53. 52. What are the voices saying?
  4. 54. 53. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, guess which side you’re on
  5. 55. 54. Let me teach you logic
  6. 56. 55. Everybody has a little bit wrong with them, but some people have a lot
  7. 57. 56. Can’t we force it on him a little?
  8. 58. 57. What legal resources are therapeutic?
  9. 59. 58. We want you to apologize to all the people who have wronged you.
  10. 60. The big book is 164 pages long. War and Peace is only 1296.
  11. 61. 59. I had a driink, I lost my soul, turned into a donkey and started running around with Pinocchio!
  12. 62. 60. We weren’t sure if you needed more acute treatment, so we talked to your parents
  13. 63. 61. My doctor says art and philosophy are bad for your mental health. You need religion and conservative politics
  14. 64. 62. You’re going to put me in the poorhouse. Now go back to your group home.
  15. 65. 63. I have the common cold of mental illness. You are very sick.

Mom’s shrink is teaching her about something called Tough Love.

  1. 66. 64. There’s nothing in the will for you. You need mental health treatment.
  2. 67. 65. So you went to college and fed yourself. You’re cheating the system,
  3. 68. 66. We’re not giving you your inheritance. We’re gonna let go with love.
  4. 69. 67. You’re too ill to handle decent living conditions.
  5. 70. 68. We asked your doctor if you were pathological
  6. 71. 69. We did the best we could. We can’t help it if that was fucked up!
  7. 72. 70. We think homelessness will cure his alcoholism and mental health.
  8. 73. 71. Sometimes you have to hit your child.
  9. 74. 72. They thought abuse caused mental illness, but that just made the parents feel guilty.
  10. 75. 73. You don’t need a job, an apartment or a girlfriend. You’re getting mental health.
  11. 76. 74. Outpatient is like having a job.
  12. 77. 75. The doctor said I’m the best patient he’s ever had. You’re not!
  13. 78. 76. I have love hate feelings for my son. He’s such a handsome boy, but what a fuck up!
  14. 79. 77. You’ll never be able to do as much.
  15. 80. 78. I never needed a college degree. I sponsored guys in AA for 10 years.
  16. 81. 79. We’re not forcing you to do anything. It’s my house you’ll do what I say.
  17. 82. 80. You’re a grown man you can take care of yourself. Now treat your sickness.
  18. 83. 81. We told your therapist we never hit you.
  19. 84. 82. You’re a bad person.
  20. 85. 83. Don’t you want to be free and independent? Now take your medicine.
  21. 86. 84. You take meds? We've saved a seat for you over here on the group W bench.
  22. 87. 85. Why do you go to outpatient on such a short bus?
  23. 88. 86. I couldn’t handle having a huge family. There was stress, I felt overloaded. So, I hit you.
  24. 89. 87. We weren’t abusive. It’s all in your head. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. If you don’t. We will.
  25. 90. 88. Isn’t the sign of maturity when you stop blaming your parents? No, it’s when they stop doing shit.
  26. 91. 89. I was badly abused as a child. So what I’m doing to you isn’t really the same thing.
  27. 92. 90. The doctor says my mother is pathological. They’re having a session to discuss what to do with me.
  28. 93. 91. They say your mental illness is hereditary. But we don’t know where it came from.
  29. 94. 92. All you want is money, so we’re taking it away!
  30. 95. 93. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you drink. You can have one beer and still be an alcoholic. Yeah if you’re a mouse.
  31. 96. 94. Why did I suddenly need intensive psychiatry after I asked to see the will?
  32. 97. 95. We gave you a curfew, we wouldn’t let you date, we forced you to church, we disapproved of all your friends and you’re rebelling. Why?
  33. 98. 96. I left a note on my bed. Mom, not going to school today. Went to the Colosseum to see The Rolling Stones. Will be home late. P.S. took the car. You were a bad boy. Yeah, some kids are. That's why there's treatment.

Who did you get in a fight with? The basketball team.

  1. 99. 97. The program says you can’t have a bank account
  2. 100. 98. I love all my children equally, you’re just the one I’m putting away.
  3. 101. 99. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nuff said
  4. 102. 100. A beating with a belt, because your Child needs to learn violence at the youngest age possible
  5. 103. 101. We found pot in your room That’s what’s making you crazy. You’re getting a big Whooping!
  6. 104. 102. My father beat me but I’m grateful for it. He taught me respect. What are you talking about officer? Respect for what? Now I don’t even trust you with a gun.
  7. 105. 103. ...and this is the recreation room where you can have juice and cookies and watch a movie while you work out your troubles.
  8. 106. 104. This is a good place. They'll help you quit the drinking and the pot. And just for you doing this we'll buy you a carton of cigarettes once a week.
  9. 107. 105. When you have children of your own you’ll see why I’m doing this.
  10. 108. 106. You’re spoiled! My father beat me even worse.
  11. 109. 107. I don’t play favorites, but you’ll never be as good at that as Suzy.
  12. 110. 108. What’s the difference between you and your son’s illness? I’m functional. My husband takes care of me.
  13. 111. 109. The psychiatrist said I’m extremely sane after the multiple abuse I went through, but he didn’t have good things to say about treating you.
  14. 112. 110. Our psychiatrist used to be a professional football player for the Bears. He got out of the game when he tackled a player and broke both his arms and legs. He didn’t realize how strong he was.
  15. 113. 111. The food’s bad. The nurses are mean. The patients are psychotic. The medicine is too strong. You’re incarcerated. You complain about everything.
  16. 114. 112. So we took away your car so you couldn’t get to your job, we cut you out of the trust fund, we cut your college funds, we wouldn’t help with rent when you were homeless. But not everybody gets the blessings you have.
  17. 115. 113. I know they’re all convicts at the sober living, but they’re good people
  18. 116. 114. Make the best of it! Does that hurt?
  19. 117. 115. You weren’t serious about college. You were studying graphic design, web development and advertising. You were an art major. Your brother is studying Anthropology.
  20. 118. 116. Honey, you're not seeing it. I really don't want to win this argument, but you've never seen it in person because you wouldn't. My mom makes fun of you when you're not around. She's not well. She's not like the Christian women you meet at the church.
  21. 119. There’s nice people everywhere. It just depends on where you go.
  22. 120. You’re. medication is blocking your contact with God.
  23. 121. 117. The good jobs In my field were in LA county. So when they took the car I couldn’t get to them or an interview, just maybe McDonald’s and I won’t do that. But why think I’m’ better than just because I worked real hard and got a college education?
  24. 122. If Alcoholics Anonymous ever falls something will come to take its place. Let’s just hope it’

“You said you drank everyday after I said I did. You need to quit school so you can work on your sobriety with us. We are strong in numbers like a gang. Great, I’ve been an alcoholic for two weeks and already I’ve dropped out of school and joined a gang.

They showed up at my parent’s house, they show up at my work, they showed up at my gym, they found me in an undisclosed apartment with a security code on the door. Anonymity is an amazing thing. They can find you anywhere!

  1. 123. Officer I’m being stalked, threatened and they said they got guns. Just go back to AA. You’ll do better when you quit drinking.
  2. 124. In LA I met Charlie Sheen a couple times. I don’t think he’d remember me. Then again, I’m hard to forget.

Isn't there somewhere I can report this in AA and do something about it. Actually not, there are no AA police. But there are plenty of AA criminals. 

 

Obsession is actually kind of nice because you’re thinking of somebody else and not yourself, unless you don’t have her permission.

  1. 125. Yes, they talk about guns, but they made it sound more like a hobby.
  2. 126. You have to have respect for an alcoholic like you have respect for a gun, but we’re not a dangerous cult.

In college I got the highest grade in the class, Critical Thinkl, but I don’t argue a lot or cuss people out. That’s not in the rules of critical thinking.

 

 

  1. 127. I usually call my writing process message in a bottle, but this one is a cry for help!

What do you want? Someone to rescue you? No I. just want to sit here and suffer.

AA has no doctors, professional or medical involvement of any kind. .They discourage it because it.might make you drink.

  1. 128. 118. This is the social worker, he’ll be responsible for your housing, your treatment, your meals, your social security, your 12 step program, talk frequently with your family, your behavior at the group home, and your outpatient program. But if it doesn’t work out the social worker will have another place for you. He’s not a socialist though…
  2. 129. 119. The sedatives don’t work when you have caffeine
  3. 130. 120. Not all artists have to starve, just the ones with no talent or bad family.

The punk rock was a strange breed. Back then we didn’t dress up or have funny hair or anything maybe just a leather jacket, some jeans some boots. We fought, hit and hit it  hard. We were angry and we were loud and the music wasn’t that bad. We were a live fast die young generation. My friend sang with a band called the Adolescents a little. I don’t know the story that well. He knew a lot of people. He had been sent to rehab I think at 14. I quit when he died of an overdose. Party’s over!

I don’t want to burn the whole establishment down. I don’t think that would be constructive.

  1. 131. At Sex Anonymous, make circles to decide for yourself which behaviors you can or can't do.
  2. 132. 121. Too many people fail. Don’t try to do art for a living. Do outpatient.
  3. 133. 122. LVN is a 13 month program and you become a psyche tech. And you get authority over all the psych patients.
  4. 134. 123. You don’t need a degree or experience in psychology to run a board and care. I came from the Philippines where having mental illness is terribly shameful.
  5. 135. 124. You have to be here at exactly six to eat your dinner. Tonight we’re having frozen burritos.
  6. 136. 125. We don’t want you to work while you’re here because of your social security. Maybe get a job under the table. But I didn’t say that. Shhh!
  7. 137. 126. Why do you want a woman to give you half oral sex and half vaginal sex? This is goals group.
  8. 138. 127. I own IBM. I own Amazon. I own Microsoft. I own Bell Air. I own God. He’s on my payroll.
  9. 139. 128. I have multiple personality disorder. That wasn’t me
  10. 140. 129. They’re just like you.
  11. 141. 130. They say we’re working towards going to school or getting a job, but everybody’s ignorant and unemployed.
  12. 142. 131. And we give you a gym membership. Just sign up for the HMO
  13. 143. 132. My counselor is ordered from the probation department. I’m not telling him anything.
  14. 144. 133. You act like a caged animal. You’re not a caged animal. Now go back to your unit.
  15. 145. 134. We all have our troubles
  16. 146. 135. All in order. The state conservatorship trial. Can we hear from the family?
  17. 147. 136. This is the last house on the block. That’s ok!
  18. 148. 137. The help I need is a lawyer
  19. Alcoholics Anonymous is so desperate to recruit they define alcoholism as anything. They say you can be a good family man, that you can have a successful career, a doctor, a CEO, a priest, you can have a P.H.D. Taking care of your mother... It doesn't matter how much or how little you drank??? How does that work???
  20. That’s not true. It’s a disease that can affect anyone. What about all those famous people?

There’s no medical involvement at any time. They discourage it because it might make you drink.

I’m an acholic because I like the affect produced by alcohol. I don’t. I love the taste of Bud Light.

The scientists found a gene for alcoholism. It’s somehere on the 5th Chromosome on the third genome. I’m not a scientist, but in this case they’re right.

Mom’s lawyer just confiscated my medicine. She gave to him. I’ll try to get it back tonight. He’ll be at the meeting.

  1. 149. 138. My mother asked for treatment from my therapist. Two sessions and I’m almost institutionalized.
  2. 150. 139. I told the college intern I wanted to talk about something heavy. She said she could handle it. I told her about the jail  rape. She started screaming and bouncing around like Daffy Duck. She couldn’t handle it.
  3. 151. 140. The psychologist is bound by law to keep secret everything I say. So I just fuck with him.
  4. 152. 141. Why in the world would you come home with that horrible mentally ill woman? Because you put me in a mental institution.

Thorozine – an unpleasant vacation from thought

  1. 153. 142. We had your child put up for adoption because I didn’t want to have to take care of him. It was a tough decision
  2. 154. 143. I know smoking is bad for you and you die, but I kind of want to die. You kill yourself one puff at a time. If you ever want to kill yourself just a little, you can always have a smoke.

To drink is to die! Gonna happen some day.

One beer doesn’t do anything. You might as well have a Pepsi. Don’t risk relapse!

  1. 155. 144. What led up to my conviction I was starving and  panhandling outside the am/pm for for food on my 50th birthday. Now her and my angry sister-in-law are saying I had food. They testified
  2. 156. 145. The police said I would be charged with breaking and entering. I was convicted of felony strike residential burglary. I didn't steal anything. I just went into my mothers home without her permission. She also issued a restraining order for elder abuse.
  3. 157. 146. I got three months served, three years probation, a felony on my record so I couldn't work and mental health.
  4. 158. 147. On  my70th birthday, your sister took me to Paris. Look I have pictures!
  5. 159. 148. I’m not bailing you out and I took away your money.

What’s your full name? Daniel Larry JoyceDo you have any disabilitiesBipolarIs there any reason you can’t work? I don’t want to make moneyDo you need me to repeat the charges?

I’m a victim of society and amateur psychology and abusive parents and a bad neighborhood and a union job… but you can’t blame me, I was born an alcoholic.

All my life I’ve tried to be good. 99% of the time I have. It’s just that damn one percent.

I started hard when I saw a picture by van Gogh in an encyclopedia. He was bipolar and I could relate. Then I found out he cut off his ear killed himself and didn’t make a dime. I started studying Andy Warhol.

You don’t want the painting. You picked that one out. I told you that you could have painting any painting in the gallery and you don’t want it! Mom, do you see why I’m dysfunctional?

This is painting of Robert Downy Jr. It uses a colorful drip and splatter technique much like Jackson Pollack. It is portrait of the actor and it’s framed. I highly recommend it. But you might not like him and like someone else. You can have any painting on the wall. Pick one before mom does.

  1. 160. 149. If you’re not crazy when you get here, you will be when you get out.
  2. 161. 150. Why did you attempt suicide? Because the treatment made my life so good.

The AA big book is often referred to by the counselor in psychiatric group settings and of course it’s widely used in AA; That makes him dual diagnosis.

we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Well technically I’m not an alcoholic anymore. So I can write whatever the fuck I want!

You mean to say you haven’t been kidnapped raped tortured butt fucked and murdered by a Columbian cartel YET!

 

 

  1. 162. 151. Do you know why I’m trying to get you to shave, brush your teeth, do your hair and look better? Cause you’re gay?
  2. 163. 152. All your problems are of your own making. Even your parents beating you,
  3. 164. 153. In art group I’ve been working hard on art. This is a picture of you. That looks like a penis.
  4. 165. 154. Draw an image that best describes you… Well it’s a puppet and it’s got strings and people pull them.
  5. 166. 155. We don’t like him, but he’s gonna need more treatment.
  6. 167. 156. Passive is giving up your coffee. Assertive is buying your coffee and letting others do the same. Aggressive is taking someone else’s coffee. Passive Aggressive is poisoning their coffee.

My parents owned property in a bad neighborhood. They moved me in to make it better, but I made it get worse.

  1. 168. 157. I know this is a slummy boarding building and you have no money, your family is abusive and you’ve lost everything, just take a few deep breaths, things are getting better.
  2. 169. 158. Why are you standing here asking for money? Are you on  drugs? No, my family took my job then they made me see a psychiatrist and told him stuff about me and then they put me in a mental institution and… Here’s a buck!
  3. 170. 159. Sensitive people won’t make this program, but we welcome everybody
  4. 171. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Some people don’t know. Do know what you should look for to determine if you’re an acoholic? Empty bottles!
  5. 172. 160. It’s just too hard on us to visit you all poor and desperate. Your mental illness is too depressing.
  6. 173. 161. Tell me about your dreams. Scary
  7. 174. 162. I Don’t need a psychiatrist or therapist like you. I just go to the family doctor and take one prozac and I’m fine.
  8. 175. 163. Your sister has a good job and is very wealthy. So, she can drink a case of beer a day.
  9. 176. For years I didn't know what I was taking. That's bad, because if you miss a dose, you don't know where to find it.
  10. 177. Mom there's 12 containers. I don't know which ones to take?
  11. 178. Just count to 12.

This is mania. It’s like a drunkenness. You’re really happy and you get poor judgement. I’d see the doctor but he’s the one that messed it up I think. He just started seeing me. So I don’t think he had enough information on me. I should go to AA. They have a bunch.

  1. 179. 164. We told the doctor about your compulsive spending. You can’t have money. I can.
  2. 180. 165. We want to take control of his finances. He’s not budgeting his government check.
  3. 181. We're family members. We paid for this group.

If you had a bad relationship with your mother, your girlfriends will be the same. I’m fucked!

No, I’ve had girlfriends that weren’t like my mother and my mother didn’t like them.

On our way to Disneyland we stopped by my.family’s house, she sat on the couch and the family just stared at my date.

 

  1. 182. 166. That abusive AA sponsor was good for you. We talked to him on the phone.

All of the 12 steps came from a now defunct Christian cult called the Oxford group and after his spiritual experience, Bill copywrote them and that’s the history of AA. You’re on your way to getting sober kid. I believe in you.

I've been clean and sober a couple decades, but I had a beer on New Year's Eve. So I had to start over. I didn't like the beer. It tastes bad. It tasted bad back then. I just wanted to be cool.

  1. 183. 167. You’re playing a guilt trip on me. That’s impossible.
  2. 184. 168. My biggest fear is that my paranoia is not an illusion
  3. 185. 169. It doesn’t help to be right all the time. You can be wrong. Try being wrong one day at a time.
  4. 186. 170. Mother, the medicine has been making my hand shake so bad I won’t be able to paint. I know but we want what’s best for you.
  5. 187. 171. You fried your brain on drugs. I smoked pot in High School.
  6. 188. 172. Then why didn’t you work? You put me in boarding homes and institutions. We weren’t allowed to work. They had a candy store in one. Me and Tracy ran it. They trusted us with the money.
  7. 189. 173. He told the counselor that his father burned him with a cigarette and they reported it. What a thing to do!
  8. 190. 174. It’s easy to explain the cigarette scar. He was fighting with him.
  9. 191. 175. He doesn’t always hit me usually he just grabs me throws me on the ground puts my head down and forces my chest into the cement until I suffocate. He goes to parent groups
  10. 192. 176. At the group they teach us that it's not our fault. They teach you that it's mine.
  11. 193. 177. Dad I got back from AA today I just quit drinking and pot. WAIT! DAD! NO DAD NO! DAD NO! STOP DAD DAD DAD STOP NO!
  12. 194. 178. The police asked me why you called them and not me.
  13. 195. 179. You're different. Cops don't usually have sympathy. The word is empathy. That's where I learned the word empathy. I never heard it before.
  14. 196. 180. Next they’ll be calling that child abuse
  15. 197. 181. Mom, my lawyer says he’s representing you now.
  16. 198. 182. Bankruptcy cases are simple. The lawyer takes all your money. Then he declares you bankrupt.
  17. 199. 183. At AA they kept saying Bipolar Moment and laughing. I think that's mean. What if bipolar people said stuff like that about them? I just had an alcoholic moment. I peed on the lawn.
  18. 200. 184. Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Nobody likes a victim. I spent ten years in prison. I don’t like victims.
  19. 201. 185. I like Donald Trump. I didn't vote for him. Hell no! I just think he's cool. He's crazy, like me!
  20. 202. 186. Sex is only for procreation, not just love
  21. 203. 187. Children obey your parents… no matter what
  22. 204. 188. Why do you like that angry depressing music?
  23. 205. 189. Honor your mother and father but not yourself
  24. 206. 190. My perfect place is the graveyard .
  25. 207. 191. Hey! I got some terrible news at the clinic. Mom is pathological. We just found out!
  26. 208. 192. There's no bound secrecy in AA. It's just an honor system. So if they have honor, you're good
  27. 209. 193. I know you're my AA sponsor, but are you sure I should just use you and not the therapist because therapists don't know what they're doing?
  28. 210. 194. Ok sponsor. I don’t agree with you on your conservative politics. But I do agree with you about Vietnam. After talking to you I realized what I learned about it was staunch and rigid and wrong. But we’ll have to split on AA

You’re not old enough to talk politics.

My brain needed to be washed.

I only date women my age. They know things that the youngins don’t. I had to explain to one young woman who the Marlboro man and what the cold was. Why he smoked so much and why they kept taking pictures of him? Explain that to the college girl.

They’ve got a men’s meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and once a year they go out to the desert to teach the new men how to use guns. What could possible go wrong there

  1. 211. If a person schizophrenia or biplolar they should have the option available to seek treatment for themselves.. It should not be forced. There gonna hear it from someone. No one becomes that mentally ill and is the last one to know,

 

To ask me if I’ve been taking my meds when I haven’t been is acceptable. But not when I have been and I’m winning the argument

  1. 212. 195. My brain needed to be washed.
  2. 213. 196. They said the marijuana didn’t cause my mental illness. They said it was.caused by you!
  3. 214. 197. You're a brilliant artist. You're a genius. No, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to cook. Geniuses know everything.
  4. 215. 198. Don't worry about that. That's. my 4th step. It's all over the place.
  5. 217. 200. e4th step stuff
  6. 218. 201. I promise you I will never do that again and I will never take another drink in my life if I have to die first.
  7. 219. 202. When this Is all done, I'll either be rich or kill myself or both, but I'll go to a meeting first.

Allen Ginsberg had a huge legal battle over his monumental poem Howl that moved an entire generation. Whatever happened to fighting censorshp?

  1. 220. I wanted to establish that the main character had become a garbled mess, so I used myself for reference.
  2. 221. For research I sought help from people who were whacked out and unprofessional. So, I went to 12-step groups.

When I discovered my girlfriend was 14 years old, I hit the bottle.

The gentlemen came in and said it was the best thing for our daughter. Next thing you know she was smoking cigarettes getting tattoos and dating a convict, but she doesn’t drink.

It’s not such a bad thing to be sober. It’s just the way they go about doing it

I felt guilty when I killed a man drunk driving that increased my drinking. But when I killed a man in a barfight, the judge exonerate me because I’m an upstanding member of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous, New York Central office. Yes, I have a question. If a woman is sexually assaulted or raped in AA What legal services do you offer? The Yellow Pages. My homegroup didn’t believe me.”

My drinking is really bad. It’s affecting my college and my modeling. Should I go to AA? Try to moderate.

I want to be famous for my art. I’ve put too much work into it.

I don’t know where along the line my family judged me as the loser, but they did a good job of making me one.

  1. 222. 203. The ideations started in Junior High. A girl at my school committed suicide. I thought it was cool.
  2. 223. 1. I tried suicide after high school. I got a job at a grocery store. I wasn't popular. They didn't like me at all and were mean, sometimes threatening. They would act strange to confuse me. My dad got me that. job. I was hired on as a scab, then permanent.

Following that I worked as a teller for a bank for about a year. I hadn’t really had any symptoms yet. Things started freaking out. They said I was throwing the money at the customers. There was a lot of stress. The bank insurance paid for a two week. psychiatric hospital visit. I was put on medicine and started to think clearly. My mother told my job what happened. Two days after returning to work I was fired. I left the bank in 1985. The American Disabilities Act was passed in 1990

Now, I go to a clinic on my own. They’re pretty good. Sometimes they fuck up, but when they fuck up, I just deal with it.

I want to report my therapist for unethical behavior. He looks at me mean and says things I don’t like.

 

  1. 224. 2. Have you ever kissed or held a man? I had a couple relationships in LA, but none before or after. Do you consider yourself gay? No. Then why did you do it? That's what everyone was doing. When in Rome do as the Roman's. When in Hollywood be fabulous.
  2. 225. 3. You want a loving caring mother and you’re never gonna get one. That hurts worse than the belt.
  3. 226. 4. You're mother's pathological, there's no treatment for it. How long does she have?
  4. 227. 5. tell me what you see about your mother?
  5. 228. 6. Sometimes I get this image of a beautiful Spanish woman holding me as sa child and I’ve always loved the Mexican in me.
  6. 229. 7. I attempted suicide twenty times and failed. It's an interesting fact that when you attempt suicide twenty times and fail, they stop testing your sanity and start testing your competency.
  7. 230. 8. Have ever been intimate with a woman?
  8. 231. 9. More than my fingers. Maybe toes too.

Where did you have all that sex?

The usual places, motels, apartments, the front lawn of UCLA…

  1. 232. 10. Do you have a girlfriend?
  2. 233. 11. No just Luvy, That's what she calls herself she's my BBPFF best bipolar friends forever. The abbreviation's wrong. She came up with it. We say that because they don't like bipolar in AA. We go to meetings, groups, hangout...
  3. 234. 12. How long has this been going on?
  4. 235. 13. I think two years. We've never really kissed or anything, We’re not bboyfriend girlfriend. But Other than my obsessive madness, Luvy is a good influence on me. Luvy can get me to do things everyone else tries to get me to do. I went to the gym, I stopped smoking, I looked for a job, I went to church, I budgeted and saved money. I went on a diet… Will you do it? YES! Luvy can get me to do it. She started when she had a beer. I told her to admit to it and get back in the game. Her woman's group was real mean to her. She come to me balling. She's been drinking a lot lately. More than ever and said she didn’t believe in God anymore. She's real sensitive.  The disease is progressive.  She made AA good for me. When she left, I didn’t want to come back.
  5. 236. 14. Does your mother go to AA?
  6. 237. 15. No she's not an alcoholic. She goes to Alanon.
  7. 238. 16. What about you? I hate it! I hate every minute of it with a cigarette break. The mock me, they harass me, they threaten me, they stalk me because I’m different because I’m not one of them and I’m never gonna be and the only way tb be an alcoholic is to drink.
  8. 239. 17. Where is Luvy now?
  9. 240. 18. She's homeless. I wish I could help, but I can't. Mother makes fun of her. Mom doesn't work, she owns property. I think it was in the will.
  10. 241. 19. You're not going to tell my mother?
  11. 242. 20. No we have a strict privacy policy. We're bound by law. We can't even contact her unless you ask."
  12. 243. 21. That's ok I won't!
  13. 244. 22. I know what you've been through. Trust me. You're my client, not hers
  14. 245. 23. How long is the therapy session? Because I can't be here too long. I gotta go plan my funeral.
  15. 246. 24. That's the session. Hey why don't you give Luvy a call?"
  16. 247. 25. Luvy! It's Dan. You won't believe what I talked about in therapy, but first you gotta sign something.
  17. 248. 26. I was coerced into seeing my mother's psychiatrist when I was 16. I'm not really sure why. He didn't seem to know what he was doing, but I couldn't tell. I was a scared boy. I thought he could read my mind. He wanted to prescribe me something that was a major tranquilizer. I don't know why. I said no. I started questioning my sanity. His latest kick was that he was interested in AA. They kicked him out. So of course he sent me there and I didn't have a choice. I didn't really drink, I smoked pot and it was far less potent back then. He told my mother I had to go, living at home I had no choice. I called AA and they sent me to a young people'e meeting. I went there and I hated it. I told my mother it was only on Sunday. Eventually I got out of going. When I turned 21 I drank a bit. One weekend evening I wanted to go out, but I had no money so I went to AA. My parents didn't even know I drank. They love bombed me. They had harsh insane funny stories about getting trashed beyond reason. They made it sound cool. I didn't drink that much, So I learned to. That started it, the real problem. I became a worse drinker going to AA than I could imagine
  18. 249. 27. There is no good reason to drink. If you can find a legitimately good reason. I'll have one with you. Wait! Ths L.A. Raiders cheerleaders just invited us to their party!

Therapists don’t prescribe medication. He just talks to me and listen to me. Not a lot of people do that ya know. We did mock interviews I got a job and and car. I still get the suicidal stuff but as I get older it becomes far less important I had nice art show at a pretty good gallery. I painted famous people with mental illness. The idea was to show people we're not that bad. Luvy found a program to moderate her drinking and every now and then we have a cocktail to get in the mood. Dad died of cancer and mom lived well into her 90s. I didn’t go to therapy for it. It was easy grieving.

Mom, I know you don’t like it when I say dad hit me, but you can at least admit he got physical. I worked on it. You both come from a generation that knew absolutely nothing about mental illness other than what you saw in the movies. You may have learned about it in therapy, but he didn’t. He was working all the time he didn’t have any time to register in a community college class and take a course in bipolar. He was scared. He wanted to protect his family. When I got upset he didn’t see it as a treatable biological chemical imbalance of the brain that affects certain cognitive thoughts. He was thinking psycho killer! I haven’t forgiven him, but I’m beginning to forget a bit and of course accept. And now, sometimes I go to his grave when no one is looking and I throw him a right hook! Its beautiful.

I will be moving back in town tomorrow. I mean next month. It would be good to see you. You're doing really well. I like to see people I've known for a long time. The one's who don't restraining orders;

 

Just don’t tell them you see a psychiatrist. They find out! It’s not hard to figure out!.       

So, I’m going to a government low income apartment building where I used to live. A lot of mentally iil people live there. It’s a bad neighborhood.

 

I’ll give you an example, a reputable business man is going down the street shouting the building’s on fire or its a psychopathic drunk transient shouting the building’s on fire. Who is telling the truth? They both are if the building’s on fire.

AA is for people who want it and do it. Not for people who get forced into it. Mom doesn't like her and neither does AA."

  1. Mom, don't tell me to get over it, but I've had a hard life.
  2. 224. This book has been illustrated as picture book for the abusive parents who are slow readers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. 1.  ©Dan Joyce 2021

 

The following story is for entertainment only

Although it is based on the truth of my life

Remember, I am not a psychologist

And this is not a prescription for anything

It is simply one case study

But I fear there may be more

 

Have You Taken Your Meds?

 

  1. 1. Have you taken your meds?
  2. 2. You’re lazy You don’t do enough for me
  3. 3. We’re getting you the help you need
  4. 4. You’re on the wrong meds or not taking them right
  5. 5. You need more mental health treatment
  6. 6. You’re taking in too much sugar, caffeine, red meat, Cheetos…
  7. 7. Don’t use your illness as an excuse
  8. 8. I will help you
  9. 9. God will cure you
  10. 10. People are uncomfortable with you
  11. 11. Psychos kill people
  12. 12. Get help!
  13. 13. It’s all in your head
  14. 14. Don’t take the medicine it’s bad
  15. 15. You don’t need that doctor/therapist
  16. 16. You’re perfectly fine
  17. 17. This or that thing I don’t like about you is your illness
  18. 18. Just get a job, a car, a house and a mortgage and you won’t have stress
  19. 19. I’ve just got a few things I want you to change
  20. 20. Don’t listen to your counselor, listen to me
  21. 21. You are the problem with the family
  22. 22. It’s your problem, you deal with it
  23. 23. You’re cheating the government for money
  24. 24. I work!
  25. 25. You’re smart enough to figure this out for yourself
  26. 26. If you attempt suicide and fail you’re seeking attention
  27. 27. You’re a vegetable
  28. 28. Why can’t you find the right man/woman?
  29. 29. Your friends made you like this
  30. 30. Child abuse has nothing to do with mental illness
  31. 31. There’s no such thing as normal, we’re all a little crazy
  32. 32. This is because of the pot you smoked
  33. 33. You need tough love! Go live on the streets!
  34. 34. Living here will help you and not just get you away from us
  35. 35. I don’t have what you have
  36. 36. My psychiatrist says you have the problem

You’re gonna love me whether you like it or not

Let me give you something cry about

  1. 37. Aren’t all families dysfunctional
  2. 38. I can show you how to be normal
  3. 39. Your diagnosis is just a label
  4. 40. If you think you’re crazy you’ll be crazy
  5. 41. This is an act or a game
  6. 42. Doctors are all drug dealer
  7. 43. Just forget about your traumatic past
  8. 44. I’m going to give therapy to your parents now
  9. 45. Why is social security on your job application?
  10. 46. I wish I could go to college on government money
  11. 47. They may seem slow but they’re part of our group
  12. 48. If you went to the gym you wouldn’t have schizophrenia
  13. I ll give you an example. The parents take their son to a psychiatrist and constantly tell him that the boy is not cleaning his room. But what is that a sypmtom of? Bipolar? Schizophrenia, Depression. No! The kid’s just messy!
  14. 49. Don’t go 5150 on me

You always come home from Catholic school crying. Toughen up!

All the teacher did was put her hands down.my pants. It was to tuck in my shirt. I. didn’t like it. I hope it was good for her.

  1. 50. I think my girlfriend is bipolar
  2. 51. Marijuana and alcohol are harmful drugs. Cigarettes and coffee aren’t.
  3. 52. What are the voices saying?
  4. 53. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, guess which side you’re on
  5. 54. Let me teach you logic
  6. 55. Everybody has a little bit wrong with them, but some people have a lot
  7. 56. Can’t we force it on him a little?
  8. 57. What legal resources are therapeutic?
  9. 58. We want you to apologize to all the people who have wronged you.
  10. The big book is 164 pages long. War and Peace is only 1296.
  11. 59. I had a driink, I lost my soul, turned into a donkey and started running around with Pinocchio!
  12. 60. We weren’t sure if you needed more acute treatment, so we talked to your parents
  13. 61. My doctor says art and philosophy are bad for your mental health. You need religion and conservative politics
  14. 62. You’re going to put me in the poorhouse. Now go back to your group home.
  15. 63. I have the common cold of mental illness. You are very sick.

Mom’s shrink is teaching her about something called Tough Love.

  1. 64. There’s nothing in the will for you. You need mental health treatment.
  2. 65. So you went to college and fed yourself. You’re cheating the system,
  3. 66. We’re not giving you your inheritance. We’re gonna let go with love.
  4. 67. You’re too ill to handle decent living conditions.
  5. 68. We asked your doctor if you were pathological
  6. 69. We did the best we could. We can’t help it if that was fucked up!
  7. 70. We think homelessness will cure his alcoholism and mental health.
  8. 71. Sometimes you have to hit your child.
  9. 72. They thought abuse caused mental illness, but that just made the parents feel guilty.
  10. 73. You don’t need a job, an apartment or a girlfriend. You’re getting mental health.
  11. 74. Outpatient is like having a job.
  12. 75. The doctor said I’m the best patient he’s ever had. You’re not!
  13. 76. I have love hate feelings for my son. He’s such a handsome boy, but what a fuck up!
  14. 77. You’ll never be able to do as much.
  15. 78. I never needed a college degree. I sponsored guys in AA for 10 years.
  16. 79. We’re not forcing you to do anything. It’s my house you’ll do what I say.
  17. 80. You’re a grown man you can take care of yourself. Now treat your sickness.
  18. 81. We told your therapist we never hit you.
  19. 82. You’re a bad person.
  20. 83. Don’t you want to be free and independent? Now take your medicine.
  21. 84. You take meds? We've saved a seat for you over here on the group W bench.
  22. 85. Why do you go to outpatient on such a short bus?
  23. 86. I couldn’t handle having a huge family. There was stress, I felt overloaded. So, I hit you.
  24. 87. We weren’t abusive. It’s all in your head. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. If you don’t. We will.
  25. 88. Isn’t the sign of maturity when you stop blaming your parents? No, it’s when they stop doing shit.
  26. 89. I was badly abused as a child. So what I’m doing to you isn’t really the same thing.
  27. 90. The doctor says my mother is pathological. They’re having a session to discuss what to do with me.
  28. 91. They say your mental illness is hereditary. But we don’t know where it came from.

I’m 50% Mexican on my mother’s side. I’m proud of my coloring. I don’t speak Spanish or anything. She told us not to tell anybody.

  1. 92. All you want is money, so we’re taking it away!
  2. 93. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you drink. You can have one beer and still be an alcoholic. Yeah if you’re a mouse.
  3. 94. Why did I suddenly need intensive psychiatry after I asked to see the will?
  4. 95. We gave you a curfew, we wouldn’t let you date, we forced you to church, we disapproved of all your friends and you’re rebelling. Why?
  5. 96. I left a note on my bed. Mom, not going to school today. Went to the Colosseum to see The Rolling Stones. Will be home late. P.S. took the car. You were a bad boy. Yeah, some kids are. That's why there's treatment.
  6. 97. The program says you can’t have a bank account
  7. 98. I love all my children equally, you’re just the one I’m putting away.
  8. 99. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nuff said
  9. 100. A beating with a belt, because your Child needs to learn violence at the youngest age possible
  10. 101. We found pot in your room That’s what’s making you crazy. You’re getting a big Whooping!
  11. 102. My father beat me but I’m grateful for it. He taught me respect. What are you talking about officer? Respect for what? Now I don’t even trust you with a gun.
  12. 103. ...and this is the recreation room where you can have juice and cookies and watch a movie while you work out your troubles.
  13. 104. This is a good place. They'll help you quit the drinking and the pot. And just for you doing this we'll buy you a carton of cigarettes once a week.
  14. 105. When you have children of your own you’ll see why I’m doing this.
  15. 106. You’re spoiled! My father beat me even worse.
  16. 107. I don’t play favorites, but you’ll never be as good at that as Suzy.
  17. 108. What’s the difference between you and your son’s illness? I’m functional. My husband takes care of me.
  18. 109. The psychiatrist said I’m extremely sane after the multiple abuse I went through, but he didn’t have good things to say about treating you.
  19. 110. Our psychiatrist used to be a professional football player for the Bears. He got out of the game when he tackled a player and broke both his arms and legs. He didn’t realize how strong he was.
  20. 111. The food’s bad. The nurses are mean. The patients are psychotic. The medicine is too strong. You’re incarcerated. You complain about everything.
  21. 112. So we took away your car so you couldn’t get to your job, we cut you out of the trust fund, we cut your college funds, we wouldn’t help with rent when you were homeless. But not everybody gets the blessings you have.
  22. 113. I know they’re all convicts at the sober living, but they’re good people
  23. 114. Make the best of it! Does that hurt?
  24. 115. You weren’t serious about college. You were studying graphic design, web development and advertising. You were an art major. Your brother is studying Anthropology.
  25. 116. Honey, you're not seeing it. I really don't want to win this argument, but you've never seen it in person because you wouldn't. My mom makes fun of you when you're not around. She's not well. She's not like the Christian women you meet at the church.
  26. There’s nice people everywhere. It just depends on where you go.
  27. You’re. medication is blocking your contact with God.
  28. 117. The good jobs In my field were in LA county. So when they took the car I couldn’t get to them or an interview, just maybe McDonald’s and I won’t do that. But why think I’m’ better than just because I worked real hard and got a college education?
  29. If Acoholics Anonymous ever falls something will come to take it’s place. Let’s just hope it’
  30. Officer I’m being stalked,threatened and they said they got guns. Just go back to AA. You’ll do better when you quit drinking.
  31. In LA I met Charlie Sheen a couple times. I don’t think he’d remember me. Then again, I’m hard to forget.

Obsession is actually kind of nice because you’re thinking of somebody else and not yourself, unless you don’t have her permission.

My new book, Have You Taken Your Meds? has been suddenly removed from my blog. I don’t know if they took it down because it was too long or if it was declared obscene.

What if somebody reads your book and dies. Books do that?

  1. Yes, they talk about guns, but they made it sound more like a hobby.
  2. You have to have respect for an alcoholic like you have respect for a gun, but we’re. not a dangerous cult.

In college I got the highest grade in the class, Critical Thinkl, but I don’t argue a lot or cuss people out. That’s not in the rules of critical thinking.

 

 

  1. I usually call my writing process message in a bottle, but this one is a cry for help!

What do you want? Someone to rescue you? No I. just want to sit here

and suffer.

All great artists struggled with mental problems. The beautiful result is that you make fantastic art. The sad part is that you’re always gonna be insane. Now let’s say the Serenity Prayer.

AA has no doctors, professional or medical involvement of any kind. .They discourage it because it might make you drink.

You’re mother said you were in a coma for three days. People who can’t commit suicide are attention seekers. Whiner! Are you ready for the meeting?

The disease concept of alcoholism has never been proven. AIDS, cancer, leukemia, all the good ones have.

 

 

  1. 118. This is the social worker, he’ll be responsible for your housing, your treatment, your meals, your social security, your 12 step program, talk frequently with your family, your behavior at the group home, and your outpatient program. But if it doesn’t work out the social worker will have another place for you. He’s not a socialist though…
  2. 119. The sedatives don’t work when you have caffeine
  3. 120. Not all artists have to starve, just the ones with no talent or bad family.

I don’t want to burn the whole establishment down. I don’t think that would be constructive.

  1. At Sex Addicts Anonymous, make circles to decide for yourself which behaviors you can or can't do.
  2. 121. Too many people fail. Don’t try to do art for a living. Do outpatient.
  3. 122. LVN is a 13 month program and you become a psyche tech. And you get authority over all the psych patients.
  4. 123. You don’t need a degree or experience in psychology to run a board and care. I came from the Philippines where having mental illness is terribly shameful.
  5. 124. You have to be here at exactly six to eat your dinner. Tonight we’re having frozen burritos.
  6. 125. We don’t want you to work while you’re here because of your social security. Maybe get a job under the table. But I didn’t say that. Shhh!
  7. 126. Why do y ou want a woman to give you half oral sex and half vaginal sex? This is goals group.
  8. 127. I own IBM. I own Amazon. I own Microsoft. I own Bell Air. I own God. He’s on my payroll.
  9. 128. I have multiple personality disorder. That wasn’t me
  10. 129. They’re just like you.
  11. 130. They say we’re working towards going to school or getting a job, but everybody’s ignorant and unemployed.
  12. 131. And we give you a gym membership. Just sign up for the HMO
  13. 132. My counselor is ordered from the probation department. I’m not telling him anything.
  14. 133. You act like a caged animal. You’re not a caged animal. Now go back to your unit.
  15. 134. We all have our troubles
  16. 135. All in order. The state conservatorship trial. Can we hear from the family?
  17. 136. This is the last house on the block. That’s ok!
  18. 137. The help I need is a lawyer

Alcoholics Anonymous is so desperate to recruit they define alcoholism as anything. They say you can be a good family man, that you can have a successful career, a doctor, a CEO, a priest, you can have a P.H.D. Taking care of your mother... It doesn't matter how much or how little you drank??? How does that work???

That’s not true. It’s a disease that can affect anyone. What about all those famous people?

There’s no medical involvement at any time. They discourage it because it might make you drink.

I’m an acholic because I like the affect produced by alcohol. I don’t. I love the taste of Bud Light.

The scientists found a gene for alcoholism. It’s somehere on the 5th Chromosome on the third genome. I’m not a scientist, but in this case they’re right.

Mom’s lawyer just confiscated my medicine. She gave to him. I’ll try to get it back tonight. He’ll be at the meeting.

  1. 138. My mother asked for treatment from my therapist. Two sessions and I’m almost institutionalized.
  2. 139. I told the college intern I wanted to talk about something heavy. She said she could handle it. I told her about the jail  rape. She started screaming and bouncing around like Daffy Duck. She couldn’t handle it.
  3. 140. The psychologist is bound by law to keep secret everything I say. So I just fuck with him.
  4. 141. Why in the world would you come home with that horrible mentally ill woman? Because you put me in a mental institution.
  5. 142. We had your child put up for adoption because I didn’t want to have to take care of him. It was a tough decision
  6. 143. I know smoking is bad for you and you die, but I kind of want to die. You kill yourself one puff at a time. If you ever want to kill yourself just a little, you can always have a smoke.

One beer doesn’t do anything. You might as well have a Pepsi. Don’t risk relapse!

  1. 144. What led up to my conviction I was starving and  panhandling outside the am/pm for for food on my 50th birthday. Now her and my angry sister-in-law are saying I had food. They testified
  2. 145. The police said I would be charged with breaking and entering. I was convicted of felony strike residential burglary. I didn't steal anything. I just went into my mothers home without her permission. She also issued a restraining order for elder abuse.
  3. 146. I got three months served, three years probation, a felony on my record so I couldn't work and mental health.
  4. 147. On  my70th birthday, your sister took me to Paris. Look I have pictures!
  5. 148. I’m not bailing you out and I took away your money.
  6. 149. If you’re not crazy when you get here, you will be when you get out.
  7. 150. Why did you attempt suicide? Because the treatment made my life so good.

The AA big book is often referred to by the counselor in psychiatric group settings and of course it’s widely used in AA; That makes him, dual diagnosis.

I’m a meth and heroine junky. I only smoke pot when I ain’t got them. 

If you smoke pot that makes you an addict. Start going to NA

You learn more here than in college.

we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Well technically I’m not an alcoholic anymore. So I can write whatever the fuck I want!

 

 

  1. 151. Do you know why I’m trying to get you to shave, brush your teeth, do your hair and look better? Cause you’re gay?
  2. 152. All your problems are of your own making. Even your parents beating you,
  3. 153. In art group I’ve been working hard on art. This is a picture of you. That looks like a penis.
  4. 154. Draw an image that best describes you… Well it’s a puppet and it’s got strings and people pull them.
  5. 155. We don’t like him, but he’s gonna need more treatment.
  6. 156. Passive is giving up your coffee. Assertive is buying your coffee and letting others do the same. Aggressive is taking someone else’s coffee. Passive Aggressive is poisoning their coffee.
  7. 157. I know this is a slummy boarding building and you have no money, your family is abusive and you’ve lost everything, just take a few deep breaths, things are getting better.
  8. 158. Why are you standing here asking for money? Are you on  drugs? No, my family took my job then they made me see a psychiatrist and told him stuff about me and then they put me in a mental institution and… Here’s a buck!
  9. 159. Sensitive people won’t make this program, but we welcome everybody
  10. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Some people don’t know. Do know what you should look for to determine if you’re an acoholic? Empty bottles!
  11. 160. It’s just too hard on us to visit you all poor and desperate. Your mental illness is too depressing.
  12. 161. Tell me about your dreams. Scary
  13. 162. I Don’t need a psychiatrist or therapist like you. I just go to the family doctor and take one prozac and I’m fine.
  14. 163. Your sister has a good job and is very wealthy. So, she can drink a case of beer a day.
  15. For years I didn't know what I was taking. That's bad, because if you miss a dose, you don't know where to find it.
  16. Mom there's 12 containers. I don't know which ones to take?
  17. Just count to 12.
  18. 164. We told the doctor about your compulsive spending. You can’t have money. I can.
  19. 165. We want to take control of his finances. He’s not budgeting his government check.
  20. We're family members. We paid for this group.

If you had a bad relationship with your mother, your girlfriends will be the same. I’m fucked!

No, I’ve had girlfriends that weren’t like my mother and my mother didn’t like them.

On our way to Disneyland we stopped by my.family’s house, she sat on the couch and the family just stared at my date.

My brother-in-law was in Mensa and worked for NASA. He was always amazed that I could be bipolar and still be extremely intelligent. It takes a genius to figure that out.

He was a physicist and he knew science, but he always wanted to spar with me on politics and economics. Politics isn’t a science aand neither is economic. They claim to be, but they’re pretty hard to predict.

Don’t artists only make it when their dead. I’m looking forward to it.

 

 

  1. 166. That abusive AA sponsor was good for you. We talked to him on the phone.

I've been clean and sober a couple decades, but I had a beer on New Year's Eve. So I had to start over. I didn't like the beer. It tastes bad. It tasted bad back then. I just wanted to be cool.

  1. 167. You’re playing a guilt trip on me. That’s impossible.
  2. 168. My biggest fear is that my paranoia is not an illusion
  3. 169. It doesn’t help to be right all the time. You can be wrong. Try being wrong one day at a time.

So let’s say your son does drugs and gets a girl pregnant. So you force him to see a psychiatrist and go to a rehab . But what are they gonna to do to him? Believe me, I’ve been doing this for 30 years. It ain’t no better and the girl was good.

I think what he’s trying to say is that the young man would have done better had he married her and not got caught in the system. Yeah, that’s pretty much it.

Grieving is hard especially amongst the greedy.

The acceptance phase of grieving is very positive. You were only remember the good things like the memory a good vacation. You remember the surfing in Baja, but not the diarrhea.

Hey! Remember me? We relapsed in AA and spent three days together at the US Festival. I don’t remember you. That was a great concert. Yeah. Cool story. You should share it in a meeting.

Sobriety is more than not drinking. It’s is measured by the quality of life. You’re making mine miserable.

Richard Ramirez entered people’s homes to kill then and left the logo of the band AC/DC on their walls. The band was believed to have worshipped the devil and were blamed for the murders. But let’s look at this the other way around. What kind of music do you think a serial killer would listen to? The Monkees?

  1. 170. Mother, the medicine has been making my hand shake so bad I won’t be able to paint. I know but we want what’s best for you.
  2. 171. You fried your brain on drugs. I smoked pot in High School.
  3. 172. Then why didn’t you work? You put me in boarding homes and institutions. We weren’t allowed to work. They had a candy store in one. Me and Tracy ran it. They trusted us with the money.
  4. 173. He told the counselor that his father burned him with a cigarette and they reported it. What a thing to do!
  5. 174. It’s easy to explain the cigarette scar. He was fighting with him.
  6. 175. He doesn’t always hit me usually he just grabs me throws me on the ground puts my head down and forces my chest into the cement until I suffocate. He goes to parent groups
  7. 176. At the group they teach us that it's not our fault. They teach you that it's mine.
  8. 177. Dad I got back from AA today I just quit drinking and pot. WAIT! DAD! NO DAD NO! DAD NO! STOP DAD DAD DAD STOP NO!
  9. 178. The police asked me why you called them and not me.
  10. 179. You're different. Cops don't usually have sympathy. The word is empathy. That's where I learned the word empathy. I never heard it before.
  11. 180. Next they’ll be calling that child abuse
  12. 181. Mom, my lawyer says he’s representing you now.
  13. 182. Bankruptcy cases are simple. The lawyer takes all your money. Then he declares you bankrupt.
  14. 183. At AA they kept saying Bipolar Moment and laughing. I think that's mean. What if bipolar people said stuff like that about them? I just had an alcoholic moment. I peed on the lawn.
  15. 184. Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Nobody likes a victim. I spent ten years in prison. I don’t like victims.
  16. 185. I like Donald Trump. I didn't vote for him. Hell no! I just think he's cool. He's crazy, like me!
  17. 186. Sex is only for procreation, not just love
  18. 187. Children obey your parents… no matter what
  19. 188. Why do you like that angry depressing music?
  20. 189. Honor your mother and father but not yourself
  21. 190. My perfect place is the graveyard .
  22. 191. Hey! I got some terrible news at the clinic. Mom is pathological. We just found out!
  23. 192. There's no bound secrecy in AA. It's just an honor system. So if they have honor, you're good
  24. 193. I know you're my AA sponsor, but are you sure I should just use you and not the therapist because therapists don't know what they're doing?

I’m leaving the God argument out of this, because I don’t think cults really deal with God.

November 18, 1978 909 people including 304 children died in Jonestown, Guyana in a mass murder suicide led by their spiritual leader Jim Jones. Since then no laws were passed to regulate cult activity unless they break an ordinary law. In America, we have freedom of religion, but they may be bothered by what I say.

Where’s the Kool-Aid?

Don’t listen to him, he’s insane. Nothing. He says can be true.

  1. 194. Ok sponsor. I don’t agree with you on your conservative politics. But I do agree with you about Vietnam. After talking to you I realized what I learned about it was staunch and rigid and wrong. But we’ll have to split on AA

They’ve got a men’s meeting Alcoholics Anonymous and once a year they go out to the desert to teach the new men how to use guns. What could possible go wrong there

  1. If a person chizophrenia or biplolar they should have the option available to seek treatment for themselves.. It should not be forced. There gonna hear it from someone. No one becomes that mentally ill and is the last one to know,
  2. 195. My brain needed to be washed.
  3. 196. They said the marijuana didn’t cause my mental illness. They said it was.caused by you!
  4. 197. You're a brilliant artist. You're a genius. No, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to cook. Geniuses know everything.
  5. 198. Don't worry about that. That's. my 4th step. It's all over the place!
  6. 199. Your disease was your dysfunctional family. The jail rape was just a symptom.
  7. 200. e4th step stuff
  8. 201. I promise you I will never do that again and I will never take another drink in my life if I have to die first.

We are not a glum lot. Actually we have a lot of fun in AA. One time we went to the mountains and they read us the big book a lot.

It was actually not that boring. They had plays about AA, groups, lectures, individual counseling late into the night and of course meetings. It was a lot like therapy, but it cost over $200. So, they made money off it.

We don’t take any booze, pot, pills, nothing that affects you from the neck up. What about a punch in the face?

  1. 202. When this Is all done, I'll either be rich or kill myself or both, but I'll go to a meeting first.

I don’t want to drink and I make the effort not to, but I don’t worry about it. If it happens it happens. Kind of like an unplanned pregnancy.”

 

  1. I wanted to establish that the main character had become a garbled mess, so I used myself for reference.
  2. For research I sought help from people who were whacked out and unprofessional. So, I went to 12-step groups.

When I discovered my girlfriend was

14 years old, I hit bottom.

I felt guilty when I killed a man drunk driving that increased my drinking. But when I killed a man in a barfight, the judge exonerated me because I’m an upstanding member of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous, New York Central office. Yes, I have a question. If a woman is sexually assaulted or raped in AA What legal services do you offer? The Yellow Pages. My homegroup didn’t believe me.”

My drinking is really bad. It’s affecting my college and my modeling. Should I go to AA? Try to moderate.

I want to be famous for my art. I’ve put too much work into it.

  1. 203. The ideations started in Junior High. A girl at my school committed suicide. I thought it was cool.
  2. 1. I tried suicide after high school. I got a job at a grocery store. I wasn't popular. They didn't like me at all and were mean, sometimes threatening. They would act strange to confuse me. My dad got me that I met her in my early 40’s. I told her that I wanted to get old with her. Then we did."

I was hired on as a scab, then permanent.

Now, I go to a clinic on my own. They’re pretty good. Sometimes they fuck up, but when they fuck up, I just deal with it.

Your joking is a defense mechanism.”

Then tell me why I do it? I’m not a comedian. I don’t want to go on a stage somewhere in a night club, tell jokes and meet women.”

Why do you make such inappropriate jokes? I was a street musician on Venice Beach. I started writing serious songs and poems about the situation, but it didn’t work. Then I made funny songs with my guitar and funny jokes about my homelessness and they gathered. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Mom gets real mad about most of my jokes, jokes about drugs or alcohol, jokes about violence, jokes about human trafficking… she doesn’t laugh at anything.

Early on the other kids in AA talked me into going to an AA based rehab. It had a jacuzzi and they. Fed us steak and lobster. There was even talk of movie stars.I got drunk in there three times. Cost my dad’s insurance $60,000. H e but me on social security because he couldn’t afford my medical expenses. They were good about getting me the right meds.

When you get hit by a train, you get hit by the engine not the caboose. When I get hit, I it, it’s not the engine or the caboose. I get hit by the whole damn train.

We are not a glum lot. Actually AA is a lot of fun. One time we went on a retreat in the mountains and they read us the big book a lot

It’s a God of your understanding. One that you make up. Your Higher Power, ever member has one and we believe them all. What if my Higher Power gets in a fight with your Higher Power?

They had a party for me. A woman mailed in one of my books and they thought I was famous. They drugged me, a piece of paper in my coffee.They called it a happy card. Why would they do that?

It’s called grooming, something rapists do.

Why didn’t you tell anyone? I didn’t think they’d believe me.

Your dysfunctional family is the disease. The jail rape was but a symptom.

  1. 2. Have you ever kissed or held a man? I had a couple relationships in LA, but none before or after. Do you consider yourself gay? No. Then why did you do it? That's what everyone was doing. When in Rome do as the Roman's. When in Hollywood be fabulous.
  2. 3. You want a loving caring mother and you’re never gonna get one. That hurts worse than the belt.
  3. 4. You're mother's pathological, there's no treatment for it. How long does she have?

Mom, last year I was raped in jail. Just let go of the past.

  1. 5. tell me what you see about your mother?
  2. 6. Sometimes I get this image of a beautiful Spanish woman holding me as a child.
  3. 7. I attempted suicide twenty times and failed. It's an interesting fact that when you attempt suicide twenty times and fail, they stop testing your sanity and start testing your competency.

I’m not gonna kill myself, I’m just gonna be miserable for a long time.

  1. 8. Have ever been intimate with a woman?
  2. 9. More than my fingers. Maybe toes too.
  3. 10. Do you have a girlfriend?
  4. 11. No just Luvy, That's what she calls herself she's my BBPFF best bipolar friends forever. The abbreviation's wrong. She came up with it. We say that because they don't like bipolar in AA. We go to meetings, groups, hangout...
  5. 12. How long has this been going on?
  6. 13. I think two years. We’re not boyfriend girlfriend. She’s only really kissed me once. AA is for people who want it and do it. Not for people who get forced into it. She started when her woman's group was real mean to her. She's real sensitive. She was crying and se told me she didn’t believe in God anymore. She's been drinking a lot lately. More than ever The disease is progressive. Mom doesn't like her and neither does AA. I met her in my early 40’s. I told her that I wanted to get old with her. Then we did."
  7. 14. Does your mother go to AA?
  8. 15. No she's not an alcoholic. She goes to Alanon.

Actually mom didn’t go to Alanon. She went to other groups that were based on Alanon. Alanon asked her for money. You know they have a hat that everybody puts a dollar if they want? But you’re really pressured to put in.

I never put any money in the AA basket. I figured I’d pay them when it works for me.

  1. 16. Do you go to AA? I hate it! I hate every minute of it with a cigarette break. The mock me, they harass me, they threaten me, they stalk me because I’m different because I’m not one of them and I’m never gonna be and the only way to be an alcoholic is to drink.

They don’t stalk me now, they don’t know what city I’m in. I had to get run out of town to get rid of them.

If I quit Alcoholics Anonymous or stop taking the meds, mom will get mad at me. I can't imagine what she'll do.

  1. 17. Where is Luvy now?
  2. 18. She's homeless. I wish I could help, but I can't. Mother makes fun of her. Mom doesn't work, she owns property. I think it was in the will.
  3. 19. You're not going to tell my mother?
  4. 20. No we have a strict privacy policy. We're bound by law. We can't even contact her unless you ask."
  5. 21. That's ok I won't!
  6. 22. I know what you've been through. Trust me. You're my client, not hers
  7. 23. How long is the therapy session? Because I can't be here too long. I gotta go plan my funeral.
  8. 24. That's the session. Hey why don't you give Luvy a call?"
  9. 25. Luvy! It's Dan. I know AA and my mother don't like you, but I do. You won't believe what I talked about in therapy, but first you gotta sign something.
  10. 26. I was coerced into seeing my mother's psychiatrist when I was 16. I'm not really sure why. He didn't seem to know what he was doing, but I couldn't tell. I was a scared boy. I thought he could read my mind. He wanted to prescribe me something that was a major tranquilizer. I don't know why. I said no. I started questioning my sanity. His latest kick was that he was interested in AA. They kicked him out. So of course he sent me there and I didn't have a choice. I didn't really drink, I smoked pot and it was far less potent back then. He told my mother I had to go, living at home I had no choice. I called AA and they sent me to a young people'e meeting. I went there and I hated it. I told my mother it was only on Sunday. Eventually I got out of going. When I turned 21 I drank a bit. One weekend evening I wanted to go out, but I had no money so I went to AA. My parents didn't even know I drank. They love bombed me. They had harsh insane funny stories about getting trashed beyond reason and really sick things. They made it sound cool. I didn't drink that much, So I learned to. That started it, the real problem. I became a worse drinker going to AA than I could imagine
  11. 27. There is no good reason to drink. If you can find a legitimately good reason. I'll have one with you. Wait! Ths L.A. Raiders cheerleaders just invited us to their party!

Therapists don’t prescribe medication. He just talks to me and listen to me. Not a lot of people do that ya know. We did mock interviews I got a job and and car. I still get the suicidal stuff but as I get older it doesn’t matter as much. I had nice art show at a pretty good gallery. I painted famous people with mental illness. The idea was to show people we're not that bad. Luvy found a program to moderate her drinking and every now and then we have a cocktail to get in the mood. Dad died of cancer and mom lived well into her 90s. I didn’t go to therapy for it. It was easy grieving.

  1. 223. Mom, don't tell me to get over it, but I've had a hard life.

We’re so happy you got clean and sober. We’re gonna have some beers now.

  1. 224. This book has been illustrated as picture book for the abusive parents who are slow readers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following that I worked as a teller for a bank for about a year. I hadn’t really had any symptoms yet. Things started freaking out. They said I was throwing the money at the customers. There was a lot of stress. The bank insurance paid for a two week. psychiatric hospital visit. I was put on medicine and started to think clearly. My mother told my job what happened. Two days after returning to work I was fired. I left the bank in 1985. The American Disabilities Act was passed in 1990

Now, I go to a clinic on my own. They’re pretty good. Sometimes they fuck up, but when they fuck up, I just deal with it.

I want to report my therapist for unethical behavior. He looks at me mean and says things I don’t like.

 

  1. 224. 2. Have you ever kissed or held a man? I had a couple relationships in LA, but none before or after. Do you consider yourself gay? No. Then why did you do it? That's what everyone was doing. When in Rome do as the Roman's. When in Hollywood be fabulous.
  2. 225. 3. You want a loving caring mother and you’re never gonna get one. That hurts worse than the belt.
  3. 226. 4. You're mother's pathological, there's no treatment for it. How long does she have?
  4. 227. 5. tell me what you see about your mother?
  5. 228. 6. Sometimes I get this image of a beautiful Spanish woman holding me as sa child and I’ve always loved the Mexican in me.
  6. 229. 7. I attempted suicide twenty times and failed. It's an interesting fact that when you attempt suicide twenty times and fail, they stop testing your sanity and start testing your competency.
  7. 230. 8. Have ever been intimate with a woman?
  8. 231. 9. More than my fingers. Maybe toes too.
  9. 232. 10. Do you have a girlfriend?
  10. 233. 11. No just Luvy, That's what she calls herself she's my BBPFF best bipolar friends forever. The abbreviation's wrong. She came up with it. We say that because they don't like bipolar in AA. We go to meetings, groups, hangout...
  11. 234. 12. How long has this been going on?
  12. 235. 13. I think two years. We've never really kissed or anything, but she tried to sleep with me when she was drunk. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. She's been drinking a lot lately. More than ever. The disease is progressive. She didn't work a program. AA is for people who want it and do it. Not for people who get forced into it. She started when her woman's group was real mean to her. She's real sensitive. Mom doesn't like her and neither does AA."
  13. 236. 14. Does your mother go to AA?
  14. 237. 15. No she's not an alcoholic. She goes to Alanon.
  15. 238. 16. What about you? I hate it! I hate every minute of it with a cigarette break. The mock me, they harass me, they threaten me, they stalk me because I’m different because I’m not one of them and I’m never gonna be and the only way to be an alcoholic is to drink.”

If I quit Alcoholics Anonymous or stop taking the meds, mom will get mad at me. I can't imagine what she'll do.

  1. 239. 17. Where is Luvy now?
  2. 240. 18. She's homeless. I wish I could help, but I can't. Mother makes fun of her. Mom doesn't work, she owns property. I think it was in the will.
  3. 241. 19. You're not going to tell my mother?
  4. 242. 20. No we have a strict privacy policy. We're bound by law. We can't even contact her unless you ask."
  5. 243. 21. That's ok I won't!
  6. 244. 22. I know what you've been through. Trust me. You're my client, not hers
  7. 245. 23. How long is the therapy session? Because I can't be here too long. I gotta go plan my funeral.
  8. 246. 24. That's the session. Hey why don't you give Luvy a call?"
  9. 247. 25. Luvy! It's Dan. I know AA and my mother don't like you, but I do. You won't believe what I talked about in therapy, but first you gotta sign something.
  10. 248. 26. I was coerced into seeing my mother's psychiatrist when I was 16. I'm not really sure why. He didn't seem to know what he was doing, but I couldn't tell. I was a scared boy. I thought he could read my mind. He wanted to prescribe me something that was a major tranquilizer. I don't know why. I said no. I started questioning my sanity. His latest kick was that he was interested in AA. They kicked him out. So of course he sent me there and I didn't have a choice. I didn't really drink, I smoked pot and it was far less potent back then. He told my mother I had to go, living at home I had no choice. I called AA and they sent me to a young people'e meeting. I went there and I hated it. I told my mother it was only on Sunday. Eventually I got out of going. When I turned 21 I drank a bit. One weekend evening I wanted to go out, but I had no money so I went to AA. My parents didn't even know I drank. They love bombed me. They had harsh insane funny stories about getting trashed beyond reason. They made it sound cool. I didn't drink that much, So I learned to. That started it, the real problem. I became a worse drinker going to AA than I could imagine
  11. 27. There is no good reason to drink. If you can find a legitimately good reason. I'll have one with you. Wait! Ths L.A. Raiders cheerleaders just invited us to their party!

Therapists don’t prescribe medication. He just talks to me and listen to me. Not a lot of people do that ya know. We did mock interviews I got a job and and car. I still get the suicidal stuff but as I get older it becomes far less important I had nice art show at a pretty good gallery. I painted famous people with mental illness. The idea was to show people we're not that bad. Luvy found a program to moderate her drinking and every now and then we have a cocktail to get in the mood. Dad died of cancer and mom lived well into her 90s. I didn’t go to therapy for it. It was easy grieving.

  1. 223. Mom, don't tell me to get over it, but I've had a hard life.
  2. 224. This book has been illustrated as picture book for the abusive parents who are slow readers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. 1.  ©Dan Joyce 2021

 

The following story is for entertainment only

Although it is based on the truth of my life

Remember, I am not a psychologist

And this is not a prescription for anything

It is simply one case study

But I fear there may be more

 

Have You Taken Your Meds?

 

  1. 1. Have you taken your meds?
  2. 2. You’re lazy You don’t do enough for me
  3. 3. We’re getting you the help you need
  4. 4. You’re on the wrong meds or not taking them right
  5. 5. You need more mental health treatment
  6. 6. You’re taking in too much sugar, caffeine, red meat, Cheetos…
  7. 7. Don’t use your illness as an excuse
  8. 8. I will help you
  9. 9. God will cure you
  10. 10. People are uncomfortable with you
  11. 11. Psychos kill people
  12. 12. Get help!
  13. 13. It’s all in your head
  14. 14. Don’t take the medicine it’s bad
  15. 15. You don’t need that doctor/therapist
  16. 16. You’re perfectly fine
  17. 17. This or that thing I don’t like about you is your illness
  18. 18. Just get a job, a car, a house and a mortgage and you won’t have stress
  19. 19. I’ve just got a few things I want you to change
  20. 20. Don’t listen to your counselor, listen to me
  21. 21. You are the problem with the family
  22. 22. It’s your problem, you deal with it
  23. 23. You’re cheating the government for money
  24. 24. I work!
  25. 25. You’re smart enough to figure this out for yourself
  26. 26. If you attempt suicide and fail you’re seeking attention
  27. 27. You’re a vegetable
  28. 28. Why can’t you find the right man/woman?
  29. 29. Your friends made you like this
  30. 30. Child abuse has nothing to do with mental illness
  31. 31. There’s no such thing as normal, we’re all a little crazy
  32. 32. This is because of the pot you smoked
  33. 33. You need tough love! Go live on the streets!
  34. 34. Living here will help you and not just get you away from us
  35. 35. I don’t have what you have
  36. 36. My psychiatrist says you have the problem

You’re gonna love me whether you like it or not

Let me give you something cry about

  1. 37. Aren’t all families dysfunctional
  2. 38. I can show you how to be normal
  3. 39. Your diagnosis is just a label
  4. 40. If you think you’re crazy you’ll be crazy
  5. 41. This is an act or a game
  6. 42. Doctors are all drug dealer
  7. 43. Just forget about your traumatic past
  8. 44. I’m going to give therapy to your parents now
  9. 45. Why is social security on your job application?
  10. 46. I wish I could go to college on government money
  11. 47. They may seem slow but they’re part of our group
  12. 48. If you went to the gym you wouldn’t have schizophrenia
  13. I ll give you an example. The parents take their son to a psychiatrist and constantly tell him that the boy is not cleaning his room. But what is that a sypmtom of? Bipolar? Schizophrenia, Depression. No! The kid’s just messy!
  14. 49. Don’t go 5150 on me

You always come home from Catholic school crying. Toughen up!

All the teacher did was put her hands down my pants. She was just tucking in my shirt.

  1. 50. I think my girlfriend is bipolar
  2. 51. Marijuana and alcohol are harmful drugs. Cigarettes and coffee aren’t.
  3. 52. What are the voices saying?
  4. 53. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, guess which side you’re on
  5. 54. Let me teach you logic
  6. 55. Everybody has a little bit wrong with them, but some people have a lot
  7. 56. Can’t we force it on him a little?
  8. 57. What legal resources are therapeutic?
  9. 58. We want you to apologize to all the people who have wronged you.
  10. The big book is 164 pages long. War and Peace is only 1296.
  11. 59. I had a driink, I lost my soul, turned into a donkey and started running around with Pinocchio!
  12. 60. We weren’t sure if you needed more acute treatment, so we talked to your parents
  13. 61. My doctor says art and philosophy are bad for your mental health. You need religion and conservative politics
  14. 62. You’re going to put me in the poorhouse. Now go back to your group home.
  15. 63. I have the common cold of mental illness. You are very sick.

Mom’s shrink is teaching her about something called Tough Love.

Tough love isn’t about hitting someone. It’s about refusing to help, not bailing them out, depleting all resources and shelter, letting the go with love and starving them Into submission. It’s better than violence.

  • She was getting loud and physical. I had to call the police. The police told her she is to stay away from me. She called her mom and told her to kick me out. I'm waiting for notice. Please let me talk to Mike or Cindy. Board and Cares are full of drugs and criminals. I don't want to go there. I've stayed sober too long for that

\and worked on my mental health for the last 6 years as well

 

The government residential living for the mentally ill has a ten year review process. They’re self-run.

 

Don’t go in to your past. Think about how you’re homeless today.

 

  1. 64. There’s nothing in the will for you. You need mental health treatment.
  2. 65. So you went to college and fed yourself. You’re cheating the system,
  3. 66. We’re not giving you your inheritance. We’re gonna let go with love.
  4. 67. You’re too ill to handle decent living conditions.
  5. 68. We asked your doctor if you were pathological
  6. 69. We did the best we could. We can’t help it if that was fucked up!
  7. 70. We think homelessness will cure his alcoholism and mental health.
  8. 71. Sometimes you have to hit your child.
  9. 72. They thought abuse caused mental illness, but that just made the parents feel guilty.
  10. 73. You don’t need a job, an apartment or a girlfriend. You’re getting mental health.
  11. 74. Outpatient is like having a job.
  12. 75. The doctor said I’m the best patient he’s ever had. You’re not!
  13. 76. I have love hate feelings for my son. He’s such a handsome boy, but what a fuck up!
  14. 77. You’ll never be able to do as much.
  15. 78. I never needed a college degree. I sponsored guys in AA for 10 years.
  16. 79. We’re not forcing you to do anything. It’s my house you’ll do what I say.
  17. 80. You’re a grown man you can take care of yourself. Now treat your sickness.
  18. 81. We told your therapist we never hit you.
  19. 82. You’re a bad person.
  20. 83. Don’t you want to be free and independent? Now take your medicine.
  21. 84. You take meds? We've saved a seat for you over here on the group W bench.
  22. 85. Why do you go to outpatient on such a short bus?
  23. 86. I couldn’t handle having a huge family. There was stress, I felt overloaded. So, I hit you.
  24. 87. We weren’t abusive. It’s all in your head. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. If you don’t. We will.
  25. 88. Isn’t the sign of maturity when you stop blaming your parents? No, it’s when they stop doing shit.
  26. 89. I was badly abused as a child. So what I’m doing to you isn’t really the same thing.
  27. 90. The doctor says my mother is pathological. They’re having a session to discuss what to do with me.
  28. 91. They say your mental illness is hereditary. But we don’t know where it came from.

I’m 50% Mexican on my mother side. I’m proud of my coloring. I don’t speak Spanish or anything. She told us not to tell anybody.

  1. 92. All you want is money, so we’re taking it away!
  2. 93. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you drink. You can have one beer and still be an alcoholic. Yeah if you’re a mouse.
  3. 94. Why did I suddenly need intensive psychiatry after I asked to see the will?
  4. 95. We gave you a curfew, we wouldn’t let you date, we forced you to church, we disapproved of all your friends and you’re rebelling. Why?
  5. 96. I left a note on my bed. Mom, not going to school today. Went to the Colosseum to see The Rolling Stones. Will be home late. P.S. took the car. You were a bad boy. Yeah, some kids are. That's why there's treatment.
  6. 97. The program says you can’t have a bank account
  7. 98. I love all my children equally, you’re just the one I’m putting away.
  8. 99. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nuff said
  9. 100. A beating with a belt, because your Child needs to learn violence at the youngest age possible
  10. 101. We found pot in your room That’s what’s making you crazy. You’re getting a big Whooping!
  11. 102. My father beat me but I’m grateful for it. He taught me respect. What are you talking about officer? Respect for what? Now I don’t even trust you with a gun.
  12. 103. ...and this is the recreation room where you can have juice and cookies and watch a movie while you work out your troubles.
  13. 104. This is a good place. They'll help you quit the drinking and the pot. And just for you doing this we'll buy you a carton of cigarettes once a week.
  14. 105. When you have children of your own you’ll see why I’m doing this.
  15. 106. You’re spoiled! My father beat me even worse.
  16. 107. I don’t play favorites, but you’ll never be as good at that as Suzy.
  17. 108. What’s the difference between you and your son’s illness? I’m functional. My husband takes care of me.
  18. 109. The psychiatrist said I’m extremely sane after the multiple abuse I went through, but he didn’t have good things to say about treating you.
  19. 110. Our psychiatrist used to be a professional football player for the Bears. He got out of the game when he tackled a player and broke both his arms and legs. He didn’t realize how strong he was.
  20. 111. The food’s bad. The nurses are mean. The patients are psychotic. The medicine is too strong. You’re incarcerated. You complain about everything.
  21. 112. So we took away your car so you couldn’t get to your job, we cut you out of the trust fund, we cut your college funds, we wouldn’t help with rent when you were homeless. But not everybody gets the blessings you have.
  22. 113. I know they’re all convicts at the sober living, but they’re good people
  23. 114. Make the best of it! Does that hurt?
  24. 115. You weren’t serious about college. You were studying graphic design, web development and advertising. You were an art major. Your brother is studying Anthropology.
  25. 116. Honey, you're not seeing it. I really don't want to win this argument, but you've never seen it in person because you wouldn't. My mom makes fun of you when you're not around. She's not well. She's not like the Christian women you meet at the church.
  26. There’s nice people everywhere. It just depends on where you go.
  27. You’re. medication is blocking your contact with God.
  28. 117. The good jobs In my field were in LA county. So when they took the car I couldn’t get to them or an interview, just maybe McDonald’s and I won’t do that. But why think I’m’ better than just because I worked real hard and got a college education?
  29. If Acoholics Anonymous ever falls something will come to take it’s place. Let’s just hope it’
  30. Officer I’m being stalked,threatened and they said they got guns. Just go back to AA. You’ll do better when you quit drinking.
  31. In LA I met Charlie Sheen a couple times. I don’t think he’d remember me. Then again, I’m hard to forget.

Obsession is actually kind of nice because you’re thinking of somebody else and not yourself, unless you don’t have her permission.

My new book, Have You Taken Your Meds? has been suddenly removed from my blog. I don’t know if they took it down because it was too long or if it was declared obscene.

What if somebody reads your book and dies. Books do that?

  1. Yes, they talk about guns, but they made it sound more like a hobby.
  2. You have to have respect for an alcoholic like you have respect for a gun, but we’re. not a dangerous cult.

In college I got the highest grade in the class, Critical Thinkl, but I don’t argue a lot or cuss people out. That’s not in the rules of critical thinking.

 

 

  1. I usually call my writing process message in a bottle, but this one is a cry for help!

What do you want? Someone to rescue you? No I. just want to sit here

and suffer.

All great artists struggled with mental problems. The beautiful result is that you make fantastic art. The sad part is that you’re always gonna be insane. Now let’s say the Serenity Prayer.

AA has no doctors, professional or medical involvement of any kind. .They discourage it because it might make you drink.

You’re mother said you were in a coma for three days. People who can’t commit suicide are attention seekers. Whiner! Are you ready for the meeting?

The disease concept of alcoholism has never been proven. AIDS, cancer, leukemia, all the good ones have.

 

 

  1. 118. This is the social worker, he’ll be responsible for your housing, your treatment, your meals, your social security, your 12 step program, talk frequently with your family, your behavior at the group home, and your outpatient program. But if it doesn’t work out the social worker will have another place for you. He’s not a socialist though…
  2. 119. The sedatives don’t work when you have caffeine
  3. 120. Not all artists have to starve, just the ones with no talent or bad family.

I don’t want to burn the whole establishment down. I don’t think that would be constructive.

  1. At Sex Addicts Anonymous, make circles to decide for yourself which behaviors you can or can't do.
  2. 121. Too many people fail. Don’t try to do art for a living. Do outpatient.
  3. 122. LVN is a 13 month program and you become a psyche tech. And you get authority over all the psych patients.
  4. 123. You don’t need a degree or experience in psychology to run a board and care. I came from the Philippines where having mental illness is terribly shameful.
  5. 124. You have to be here at exactly six to eat your dinner. Tonight we’re having frozen burritos.
  6. 125. We don’t want you to work while you’re here because of your social security. Maybe get a job under the table. But I didn’t say that. Shhh!
  7. 126. Why do y ou want a woman to give you half oral sex and half vaginal sex? This is goals group.
  8. 127. I own IBM. I own Amazon. I own Microsoft. I own Bell Air. I own God. He’s on my payroll.
  9. 128. I have multiple personality disorder. That wasn’t me
  10. 129. They’re just like you.
  11. 130. They say we’re working towards going to school or getting a job, but everybody’s ignorant and unemployed.
  12. 131. And we give you a gym membership. Just sign up for the HMO
  13. 132. My counselor is ordered from the probation department. I’m not telling him anything.
  14. 133. You act like a caged animal. You’re not a caged animal. Now go back to your unit.
  15. 134. We all have our troubles
  16. 135. All in order. The state conservatorship trial. Can we hear from the family?
  17. 136. This is the last house on the block. That’s ok!
  18. 137. The help I need is a lawyer

Alcoholics Anonymous is so desperate to recruit they define alcoholism as anything. They say you can be a good family man, that you can have a successful career, a doctor, a CEO, a priest, you can have a P.H.D. Taking care of your mother... It doesn't matter how much or how little you drank??? How does that work???

That’s not true. It’s a disease that can affect anyone. What about all those famous people?

There’s no medical involvement at any time. They discourage it because it might make you drink.

I’m an acholic because I like the affect produced by alcohol. I don’t. I love the taste of Bud Light.

Every alcoholic has a book in them if they could just find the pen. I guess I found it.

The scientists found a gene for alcoholism. It’s somewhere on the 5th Chromosome on the third genome. I’m not a scientist, but in this case they’re right.

Mom’s lawyer just confiscated my medicine. She gave to him. I’ll try to get it back tonight. He’ll be at the meeting.

I had the drink and the drink took me and took me to a meeting and some old guy took me out.

  1. 138. My mother asked for treatment from my therapist. Two sessions and I’m almost institutionalized.
  2. 139. I told the college intern I wanted to talk about something heavy. She said she could handle it. I told her about the jail  rape. She started screaming and bouncing around like Daffy Duck. She couldn’t handle it.
  3. 140. The psychologist is bound by law to keep secret everything I say. So I just fuck with him.
  4. 141. Why in the world would you come home with that horrible mentally ill woman? Because you put me in a mental institution.
  5. 142. We had your child put up for adoption because I didn’t want to have to take care of him. It was a tough decision
  6. 143. I know smoking is bad for you and you die, but I kind of want to die. You kill yourself one puff at a time. If you ever want to kill yourself just a little, you can always have a smoke.

One beer doesn’t do anything. You might as well have a Pepsi. Don’t risk relapse!

  1. 144. What led up to my conviction I was starving and  panhandling outside the am/pm for for food on my 50th birthday. Now her and my angry sister-in-law are saying I had food. They testified
  2. 145. The police said I would be charged with breaking and entering. I was convicted of felony strike residential burglary. I didn't steal anything. I just went into my mothers home without her permission. She also issued a restraining order for elder abuse.
  3. 146. I got three months served, three years probation, a felony on my record so I couldn't work and mental health.
  4. 147. On  my70th birthday, your sister took me to Paris. Look I have pictures!
  5. 148. I’m not bailing you out and I took away your money.
  6. 149. If you’re not crazy when you get here, you will be when you get out.
  7. 150. Why did you attempt suicide? Because the treatment made my life so good.

The AA big book is often referred to by the counselor in psychiatric group settings and of course it’s widely used in AA; That makes him, dual diagnosis.

I’m a meth and heroine junky. I only smoke pot when I ain’t got them. 

If you smoke pot that makes you an addict. Start going to NA

You learn more here than in college.

we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Well technically I’m not an alcoholic anymore. So I can write whatever the fuck I want!

 

 

  1. 151. Do you know why I’m trying to get you to shave, brush your teeth, do your hair and look better? Cause you’re gay?
  2. 152. All your problems are of your own making. Even your parents beating you,
  3. 153. In art group I’ve been working hard on art. This is a picture of you. That looks like a penis.
  4. 154. Draw an image that best describes you… Well it’s a puppet and it’s got strings and people pull them.
  5. 155. We don’t like him, but he’s gonna need more treatment.
  6. 156. Passive is giving up your coffee. Assertive is buying your coffee and letting others do the same. Aggressive is taking someone else’s coffee. Passive Aggressive is poisoning their coffee.
  7. 157. I know this is a slummy boarding building and you have no money, your family is abusive and you’ve lost everything, just take a few deep breaths, things are getting better.
  8. 158. Why are you standing here asking for money? Are you on  drugs? No, my family took my job then they made me see a psychiatrist and told him stuff about me and then they put me in a mental institution and… Here’s a buck!
  9. 159. Sensitive people won’t make this program, but we welcome everybody
  10. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Some people don’t know. Do know what you should look for to determine if you’re an alcoholic? Empty bottles!
  11. 160. It’s just too hard on us to visit you all poor and desperate. Your mental illness is too depressing.
  12. 161. Tell me about your dreams. Scary
  13. 162. I Don’t need a psychiatrist or therapist like you. I just go to the family doctor and take one prozac and I’m fine.
  14. 163. Your sister has a good job and is very wealthy. So, she can drink a case of beer a day.
  15. For years I didn't know what I was taking. That's bad, because if you miss a dose, you don't know where to find it.
  16. Mom there's 12 containers. I don't know which ones to take?
  17. Just count to 12.
  18. 164. We told the doctor about your compulsive spending. You can’t have money. I can.
  19. 165. We want to take control of his finances. He’s not budgeting his government check.
  20. We're family members. We paid for this group.

If you had a bad relationship with your mother, your girlfriends will be the same. I’m fucked!

No, I’ve had girlfriends that weren’t like my mother and my mother didn’t like them.

On our way to Disneyland we stopped by my.family’s house, she sat on the couch and the family just stared at my date.

My brother-in-law was in Mensa and worked for NASA. He was always amazed that I could be bipolar and still be extremely intelligent. It takes a genius to figure that out.

Don’t artists only make it when their dead. I’m looking forward to it.

 

 

  1. 166. That abusive AA sponsor was good for you. We talked to him on the phone.

I've been clean and sober a couple decades, but I had a beer on New Year's Eve. So I had to start over. I didn't like the beer. It tastes bad. It tasted bad back then. I just wanted to be cool.

  1. 167. You’re playing a guilt trip on me. That’s impossible.
  2. 168. My biggest fear is that my paranoia is not an illusion
  3. 169. It doesn’t help to be right all the time. You can be wrong. Try being wrong one day at a time.
  4. 170. Mother, the medicine has been making my hand shake so bad I won’t be able to paint. I know but we want what’s best for you.
  5. 171. You fried your brain on drugs. I smoked pot in High School.
  6. 172. Then why didn’t you work? You put me in boarding homes and institutions. We weren’t allowed to work. They had a candy store in one. Me and Tracy ran it. They trusted us with the money.
  7. 173. He told the counselor that his father burned him with a cigarette and they reported it. What a thing to do!
  8. 174. It’s easy to explain the cigarette scar. He was fighting with him.
  9. 175. He doesn’t always hit me usually he just grabs me throws me on the ground puts my head down and forces my chest into the cement until I suffocate. He goes to parent groups
  10. 176. At the group they teach us that it's not our fault. They teach you that it's mine.
  11. 177. Dad I got back from AA today I just quit drinking and pot. WAIT! DAD! NO DAD NO! DAD NO! STOP DAD DAD DAD STOP NO!
  12. 178. The police asked me why you called them and not me.
  13. 179. You're different. Cops don't usually have sympathy. The word is empathy. That's where I learned the word empathy. I never heard it before.
  14. 180. Next they’ll be calling that child abuse
  15. 181. Mom, my lawyer says he’s representing you now.
  16. 182. Bankruptcy cases are simple. The lawyer takes all your money. Then he declares you bankrupt.
  17. 183. At AA they kept saying Bipolar Moment and laughing. I think that's mean. What if bipolar people said stuff like that about them? I just had an alcoholic moment. I peed on the lawn.
  18. 184. Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Nobody likes a victim. I spent ten years in prison. I don’t like victims.
  19. 185. I like Donald Trump. I didn't vote for him. Hell no! I just think he's cool. He's crazy, like me!
  20. 186. Sex is only for procreation, not just love
  21. 187. Children obey your parents… no matter what
  22. 188. Why do you like that angry depressing music?
  23. 189. Honor your mother and father but not yourself
  24. 190. My perfect place is the graveyard .
  25. 191. Hey! I got some terrible news at the clinic. Mom is pathological. We just found out!
  26. 192. There's no bound secrecy in AA. It's just an honor system. So if they have honor, you're good
  27. 193. I know you're my AA sponsor, but are you sure I should just use you and not the therapist because therapists don't know what they're doing?

I’m leaving the God argument out of this, because I don’t think cults really deal with God.

November 18, 1978 909 people including 304 children died in Jonestown, Guyana in a mass murder suicide led by their spiritual leader Jim Jones. Since then no laws were passed to regulate cult activity unless they break an ordinary law. In America, we have freedom of religion, but they may be bothered by what I say.

Where’s the Kool-Aid?

Don’t listen to him, he’s insane. Nothing. He says can be true.

  1. 194. Ok sponsor. I don’t agree with you on your conservative politics. But I do agree with you about Vietnam. After talking to you I realized what I learned about it was staunch and rigid and wrong. But we’ll have to split on AA

They’ve got a men’s meeting Alcoholics Anonymous and once a year they go out to the desert to teach the new men how to use guns. What could possible go wrong there

  1. If a person chizophrenia or biplolar they should have the option available to seek treatment for themselves.. It should not be forced. There gonna hear it from someone. No one becomes that mentally ill and is the last one to know,
  2. 195. My brain needed to be washed.
  3. 196. They said the marijuana didn’t cause my mental illness. They said it was.caused by you!
  4. 197. You're a brilliant artist. You're a genius. No, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to cook. Geniuses know everything.
  5. 198. Don't worry about that. That's. my 4th step. It's all over the place!
  6. 199. Your disease was your dysfunctional family. The jail rape was just a symptom.
  7. 200. e4th step stuff
  8. 201. I promise you I will never do that again and I will never take another drink in my life if I have to die first.

We are not a glum lot. Actually we have a lot of fun in AA. One time we went to the mountains and they read us the big book a lot.

  1. 202. When this Is all done, I'll either be rich or kill myself or both, but

I don’t want to drink and I make the effort not to, but I don’t worry about it. If it happens it happens. Kind of like an unplanned pregnancy.”

I'll go to a meeting first.

  1. I wanted to establish that the main character had become a garbled mess, so I used myself for reference.
  2. For research I sought help from people who were whacked out and unprofessional. So, I went to 12-step groups.

When I discovered my girlfriend was

14 years old, I hit the bottle. I felt guilty when I killed a man drunk driving that increased my drinking. But when I killed a man in a barfight, the judge exonerate me because I’m an upstanding member of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous, New York Central office. Yes, I have a question. If a woman is sexually assaulted or raped in AA What legal services do you offer? The Yellow Pages. My homegroup didn’t believe me.”

My drinking is really bad. It’s affecting my college and my modeling. Should I go to AA? Try to moderate.

I want to be famous for my art. I’ve put too much work into it.

  1. 203. The ideations started in Junior High. A girl at my school committed suicide. I thought it was cool.
  2. 1. I tried suicide after high school. I got a job at a grocery store. I wasn't popular. They didn't like me at all and were mean, sometimes threatening. They would act strange to confuse me. My dad got me that I met her in my early 40’s. I told her that I wanted to get old with her. Then we did."

I was hired on as a scab, then permanent.

Now, I go to a clinic on my own. They’re pretty good. Sometimes they fuck up, but when they fuck up, I just deal with it.

Your joking is a defense mechanism.”

Then tell me why I do it? I’m not a comedian. I don’t want to go on a stage somewhere in a night club, tell jokes and meet women.”

Why do you make such inappropriate jokes? I was a street musician on Venice Beach. I started writing serious songs and poems about the situation, but it didn’t work. Then I made funny songs with my guitar and funny jokes about my homelessness and they gathered. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

You laugh but you could be an insane murder like Charlie Manson. No, Manson wasn’t mentally ill, he faked it to beat the death penalty. I have it or at least everybody convinced me I have it.

If Manson wasn’t crazy then why did he kill all those people? He was bad, he was a dark soul. I’m not going to debate the existence of God nor defend any religion or metaphysics or some other brain fuck philosophy but we know through just looking at history=the evidence of evil is there. Most mentally ill people aren’t like that. We’re just different and that makes people uncomfortable.

Ok, you’re a psychologist. There’s no evil. Explain this! A guy takes control of his country, kills six million jews. What was he thinking?

Do you go to church? Do you even want to go to church? Sure, what time? When are you picking me up? I have a rule that if anybody invites me to their church, I’ll go once. Unless it’s something like the Branch Dividians then I just end up staying and disappear.

Do you think you are really mentally ill? I don’t know. I don’t think anybody really knows. I think the sane people can figure it out, but I don’t know.

Early on the other kids in AA talked me into going to an AA based rehab. It had a jacuzzi and they. Fed us steak and lobster. There was even talk of movie stars.I got drunk in there three times. Cost my dad’s insurance $60,000. He put me on social security because he couldn’t afford my medical expenses. They were good about getting me the right meds.

When you get hit by a train, you get hit by the engine not the caboose. When I get hit, it’s not the engine or the caboose. I get hit by the whole damn train.

We are not a glum lot. Actually AA is a lot of fun. One time we went on a retreat in the mountains and they read us the big book a lot

It’s a God of your understanding. One that you make up. Your Higher Power, ever member has one and we believe them all. What if my Higher Power gets in a fight with your Higher Power?

They had a party for me. A woman mailed in one of my books and they thought I was famous. They drugged me, a piece of paper in my coffee.They called it a happy card. Why would they do that?

It’s called grooming, something rapists do.

Why didn’t you tell anyone? I didn’t think they’d believe me.

  1. 2. Have you ever kissed or held a man? I had a couple relationships in LA, but none before or after. Do you consider yourself gay? No. Then why did you do it? That's what everyone was doing. When in Rome do as the Roman's. When in Hollywood be fabulous.
  2. 3. You want a loving caring mother and you’re never gonna get one. That hurts worse than the belt.
  3. 4. You're mother's pathological, there's no treatment for it. How long does she have?

Mom, last year I was raped in jail. Just let go of the past.

  1. 5. tell me what you see about your mother?
  2. 6. Sometimes I get this image of a beautiful Spanish woman holding me as a child.
  3. 7. I attempted suicide twenty times and failed. It's an interesting fact that when you attempt suicide twenty times and fail, they stop testing your sanity and start testing your competency.

I’m not gonna kill myself, I’m just gonna be miserable for a long time.

  1. 8. Have ever been intimate with a woman?
  2. 9. More than my fingers. Maybe toes too.
  3. 10. Do you have a girlfriend?
  4. 11. No just Luvy, That's what she calls herself she's my BBPFF best bipolar friends forever. The abbreviation's wrong. She came up with it. We say that because they don't like bipolar in AA. We go to meetings, groups, hangout...
  5. 12. How long has this been going on?
  6. 13. I think two years. We’re not boyfriend girlfriend. She’s only really kissed me once. AA is for people who want it and do it. Not for people who get forced into it. She started when her woman's group was real mean to her. She's real sensitive. She was crying and se told me she didn’t believe in God anymore. She's been drinking a lot lately. More than ever The disease is progressive. Mom doesn't like her and neither does AA. I met her in my early 40’s. I told her that I wanted to get old with her. Then we did."
  7. 14. Does your mother go to AA?
  8. 15. No she's not an alcoholic. She goes to Alanon.

Actually mom didn’t go to Alanon. She went to other groups that were based on Alanon. Alanon asked her for money. You know they have a hat that everybody puts a dollar if they want? But you’re really pressured to put in.

I never put any money in the AA basket. I figured I’d pay them when it works for me.

  1. 16. Do you go to AA? I hate it! I hate every minute of it with a cigarette break. The mock me, they harass me, they threaten me, they stalk me because I’m different because I’m not one of them and I’m never gonna be and the only way to be an alcoholic is to drink.

They don’t stalk me now, they don’t know what city I’m in. I had to get run out of town to get rid of them.

If I quit Alcoholics Anonymous or stop taking the meds, mom will get mad at me. I can't imagine what she'll do.

  1. 17. Where is Luvy now?
  2. 18. She's homeless. I wish I could help, but I can't. Mother makes fun of her. Mom doesn't work, she owns property. I think it was in the will.
  3. 19. You're not going to tell my mother?
  4. 20. No we have a strict privacy policy. We're bound by law. We can't even contact her unless you ask."
  5. 21. That's ok I won't!
  6. 22. I know what you've been through. Trust me. You're my client, not hers
  7. 23. How long is the therapy session? Because I can't be here too long. I gotta go plan my funeral.
  8. 24. That's the session. Hey why don't you give Luvy a call?"
  9. 25. Luvy! It's Dan. I know AA and my mother don't like you, but I do. You won't believe what I talked about in therapy, but first you gotta sign something.
  10. 26. I was coerced into seeing my mother's psychiatrist when I was 16. I'm not really sure why. He didn't seem to know what he was doing, but I couldn't tell. I was a scared boy. I thought he could read my mind. He wanted to prescribe me something that was a major tranquilizer. I don't know why. I said no. I started questioning my sanity. His latest kick was that he was interested in AA. They kicked him out. So of course he sent me there and I didn't have a choice. I didn't really drink, I smoked pot and it was far less potent back then. He told my mother I had to go, living at home I had no choice. I called AA and they sent me to a young people'e meeting. I went there and I hated it. I told my mother it was only on Sunday. Eventually I got out of going. When I turned 21 I drank a bit. One weekend evening I wanted to go out, but I had no money so I went to AA. My parents didn't even know I drank. They love bombed me. They had harsh insane funny stories about getting trashed beyond reason and really sick things. They made it sound cool. I didn't drink that much, So I learned to. That started it, the real problem. I became a worse drinker going to AA than I could imagine
  11. 27. There is no good reason to drink. If you can find a legitimately good reason. I'll have one with you. Wait! Ths L.A. Raiders cheerleaders just invited us to their party!

Therapists don’t prescribe medication. He just talks to me and listen to me. Not a lot of people do that ya know. We did mock interviews I got a job and and car. I still get the suicidal stuff but as I get older it doesn’t matter as much. I had nice art show at a pretty good gallery. I painted famous people with mental illness. The idea was to show people we're not that bad. Luvy found a program to moderate her drinking and every now and then we have a cocktail to get in the mood. Dad died of cancer and mom lived well into her 90s. I didn’t go to therapy for it. It was easy grieving.

  1. 223. Mom, don't tell me to get over it, but I've had a hard life.

We’re so happy you got clean and sober. We’re gonna have some beers now.

  1. 224. This book has been illustrated as picture book for the abusive parents who are slow readers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The following story is for entertainment only

Although it is based on the truth of my life

Remember, I am not a psychologist

And this is not a prescription for anything

It is simply one case study

But I fear there may be more

 

Have You Taken Your Meds?

I sat down to write a short list of things that bother me. It became the story of my life.

  1. 1. Have you taken your meds?
  2. 2. You’re lazy You don’t do enough for me
  3. 3. We’re getting you the help you need.
  4. 4. You’re on the wrong meds or not taking them right
  5. 5. You need more mental health treatment
  6. 6. You’re taking in too much sugar, caffeine, red meat, Cheetos…
  7. 7. Don’t use your illness as an excuse
  8. 8. I will help you
  9. 9. God will cure you
  10. 10. People are uncomfortable with you
  11. 11. Psychos kill people
  12. 12. Get help!
  13. 13. It’s all in your head
  14. 14. Don’t take the medicine it’s bad
  15. 15. You don’t need that doctor/therapist
  16. 16. You’re perfectly fine
  17. 17. This or that thing I don’t like about you is your illness
  18. 18. Just get a job, a car, a house and a mortgage and you won’t have stress
  19. 19. I’ve just got a few things I want you to change
  20. 20. Don’t listen to your counselor, listen to me
  21. 21. You are the problem with the family
  22. 22. It’s your problem, you deal with it
  23. 23. You’re cheating the government for money
  24. 24. I work!
  25. 25. You’re smart enough to figure this out for yourself
  26. 27. You’re a vegetable
  27. 28. Why can’t you find the right man/woman?
  28. 29. Your friends made you like this
  29. 30. Child abuse has nothing to do with mental illness
  30. 31. There’s no such thing as normal, we’re all a little crazy
  31. 32. This is because of the pot you smoked
  32. 33. You need tough love! Go live on the streets!
  33. 34. Living here will help you and not just get you away from us
  34. 35. I don’t have what you have
  35. 36. My psychiatrist says you have the problem

You’re gonna love me whether you like it or not

Let me give you something cry about

  1. 37. Aren’t all families dysfunctional
  2. 38. I can show you how to be normal
  3. 39. Your diagnosis is just a label
  4. 40. If you think you’re crazy you’ll be crazy

That’s a good question. I’ve got a question for you. Do questions help you hear the answers you want?

  1. 41. This is an act or a game
  2. 42. Doctors are all drug dealer
  3. 43. Just forget about your traumatic past
  4. 44. I’m going to give therapy to your parents now
  5. 45. Why is social security on your job application?
  6. 46. I wish I could go to college on government money
  7. 47. They may seem slow but they’re part of our group
  8. 48. If you went to the gym you wouldn’t have schizophrenia
  9. I ll give you an example. The parents take their son to a psychiatrist and constantly tell him that the boy is not cleaning his room. But what is that a symptom of? Bipolar? Schizophrenia, Depression. No! The kid’s just messy!
  10. 49. Don’t go 5150 on me

You always come home from Catholic school crying. Toughen up!

  1. 51. 50. I think my girlfriend is bipolar
  2. 52. 51. Marijuana and alcohol are harmful drugs. Cigarettes and coffee aren’t.
  3. 53. 52. What are the voices saying?
  4. 54. 53. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, guess which side you’re on
  5. 55. 54. Let me teach you logic
  6. 56. 55. Everybody has a little bit wrong with them, but some people have a lot
  7. 57. 56. Can’t we force it on him a little?
  8. 58. 57. What legal resources are therapeutic?
  9. 59. 58. We want you to apologize to all the people who have wronged you.
  10. 60. The big book is 164 pages long. War and Peace is only 1296.
  11. 61. 59. I had a driink, I lost my soul, turned into a donkey and started running around with Pinocchio!
  12. 62. 60. We weren’t sure if you needed more acute treatment, so we talked to your parents
  13. 63. 61. My doctor says art and philosophy are bad for your mental health. You need religion and conservative politics
  14. 64. 62. You’re going to put me in the poorhouse. Now go back to your group home.
  15. 65. 63. I have the common cold of mental illness. You are very sick.

Mom’s shrink is teaching her about something called Tough Love.

  1. 66. 64. There’s nothing in the will for you. You need mental health treatment.
  2. 67. 65. So you went to college and fed yourself. You’re cheating the system,
  3. 68. 66. We’re not giving you your inheritance. We’re gonna let go with love.
  4. 69. 67. You’re too ill to handle decent living conditions.
  5. 70. 68. We asked your doctor if you were pathological
  6. 71. 69. We did the best we could. We can’t help it if that was fucked up!
  7. 72. 70. We think homelessness will cure his alcoholism and mental health.
  8. 73. 71. Sometimes you have to hit your child.
  9. 74. 72. They thought abuse caused mental illness, but that just made the parents feel guilty.
  10. 75. 73. You don’t need a job, an apartment or a girlfriend. You’re getting mental health.
  11. 76. 74. Outpatient is like having a job.
  12. 77. 75. The doctor said I’m the best patient he’s ever had. You’re not!
  13. 78. 76. I have love hate feelings for my son. He’s such a handsome boy, but what a fuck up!
  14. 79. 77. You’ll never be able to do as much.
  15. 80. 78. I never needed a college degree. I sponsored guys in AA for 10 years.
  16. 81. 79. We’re not forcing you to do anything. It’s my house you’ll do what I say.
  17. 82. 80. You’re a grown man you can take care of yourself. Now treat your sickness.
  18. 83. 81. We told your therapist we never hit you.
  19. 84. 82. You’re a bad person.
  20. 85. 83. Don’t you want to be free and independent? Now take your medicine.
  21. 86. 84. You take meds? We've saved a seat for you over here on the group W bench.
  22. 87. 85. Why do you go to outpatient on such a short bus?
  23. 88. 86. I couldn’t handle having a huge family. There was stress, I felt overloaded. So, I hit you.
  24. 89. 87. We weren’t abusive. It’s all in your head. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. If you don’t. We will.
  25. 90. 88. Isn’t the sign of maturity when you stop blaming your parents? No, it’s when they stop doing shit.
  26. 91. 89. I was badly abused as a child. So what I’m doing to you isn’t really the same thing.
  27. 92. 90. The doctor says my mother is pathological. They’re having a session to discuss what to do with me.
  28. 93. 91. They say your mental illness is hereditary. But we don’t know where it came from.
  29. 94. 92. All you want is money, so we’re taking it away!
  30. 95. 93. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you drink. You can have one beer and still be an alcoholic. Yeah if you’re a mouse.
  31. 96. 94. Why did I suddenly need intensive psychiatry after I asked to see the will?
  32. 97. 95. We gave you a curfew, we wouldn’t let you date, we forced you to church, we disapproved of all your friends and you’re rebelling. Why?
  33. 98. 96. I left a note on my bed. Mom, not going to school today. Went to the Colosseum to see The Rolling Stones. Will be home late. P.S. took the car. You were a bad boy. Yeah, some kids are. That's why there's treatment.

Who did you get in a fight with? The basketball team.

  1. 99. 97. The program says you can’t have a bank account
  2. 100. 98. I love all my children equally, you’re just the one I’m putting away.
  3. 101. 99. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nuff said
  4. 102. 100. A beating with a belt, because your Child needs to learn violence at the youngest age possible
  5. 103. 101. We found pot in your room That’s what’s making you crazy. You’re getting a big Whooping!
  6. 104. 102. My father beat me but I’m grateful for it. He taught me respect. What are you talking about officer? Respect for what? Now I don’t even trust you with a gun.
  7. 105. 103. ...and this is the recreation room where you can have juice and cookies and watch a movie while you work out your troubles.

“This is relaxation group. We sit in the dark and listen t o music. Can I sit next to her?

  1. 106. 104. This is a good place. They'll help you quit the drinking and the pot. And just for you doing this we'll buy you a carton of cigarettes once a week.
  2. 107. 105. When you have children of your own you’ll see why I’m doing this.
  3. 108. 106. You’re spoiled! My father beat me even worse.
  4. 109. 107. I don’t play favorites, but you’ll never be as good at that as Suzy.
  5. 110. 108. What’s the difference between you and your son’s illness? I’m functional. My husband takes care of me.
  6. 111. 109. The psychiatrist said I’m extremely sane after the multiple abuse I went through, but he didn’t have good things to say about treating you.

You don't do anything! Your father goes out and works for IBM all day. You just play with the computer.

  1. 112. 110. Our psychiatrist used to be a professional football player for the Bears. He got out of the game when he tackled a player and broke both his arms and legs. He didn’t realize how strong he was.
  2. 113. 111. The food’s bad. The nurses are mean. The patients are psychotic. The medicine is too strong. You’re incarcerated. You complain about everything.
  3. 114. 112. So we took away your car so you couldn’t get to your job, we cut you out of the trust fund, we cut your college funds, we wouldn’t help with rent when you were homeless. But not everybody gets the blessings you have.
  4. 115. 113. I know they’re all convicts at the sober living, but they’re good people
  5. 116. 114. Make the best of it! Does that hurt?

I went to anger management and they all got mad at me.

  1. 117. 115. You weren’t serious about college. You were studying graphic design, web development and advertising. You were an art major. Your brother is studying Anthropology.
  2. 118. 116. Honey, you're not seeing it. I really don't want to win this argument, but you've never seen it in person because you wouldn't. My mom makes fun of you when you're not around. She's not well. She's not like the Christian women you meet at the church.
  3. 119. There’s nice people everywhere. It just depends on where you go.
  4. 120. You’re. medication is blocking your contact with God.
  5. 121. 117. The good jobs In my field were in LA county. So when they took the car I couldn’t get to them or an interview, just maybe McDonald’s and I won’t do that. But why think I’m’ better than just because I worked real hard and got a college education?
  6. 122. If Alcoholics Anonymous ever falls something will come to take its place. Let’s just hope it’

“You said you drank everyday after I said I did. You need to quit school so you can work on your sobriety with us. We are strong in numbers like a gang. Great, I’ve been an alcoholic for two weeks and already I’ve dropped out of school and joined a gang.

They showed up at my parent’s house, they show up at my work, they showed up at my gym, they found me in an undisclosed apartment with a security code on the door. Anonymity is an amazing thing. They can find you anywhere!

  1. 123. Officer I’m being stalked, threatened and they said they got guns. Just go back to AA. You’ll do better when you quit drinking.
  2. 124. In LA I met Charlie Sheen a couple times. I don’t think he’d remember me. Then again, I’m hard to forget.

Isn't there somewhere I can report this in AA and do something about it. Actually not, there are no AA police. But there are plenty of AA criminals. 

 

Obsession is actually kind of nice because you’re thinking of somebody else and not yourself, unless you don’t have her permission.

  1. 125. Yes, they talk about guns, but they made it sound more like a hobby.
  2. 126. You have to have respect for an alcoholic like you have respect for a gun, but we’re not a dangerous cult.

In college I got the highest grade in the class, Critical Thinkl, but I don’t argue a lot or cuss people out. That’s not in the rules of critical thinking.

 

 

  1. 127. I usually call my writing process message in a bottle, but this one is a cry for help!

What do you want? Someone to rescue you? No I. just want to sit here and suffer.

AA has no doctors, professional or medical involvement of any kind. .They discourage it because it.might make you drink.

  1. 128. 118. This is the social worker, he’ll be responsible for your housing, your treatment, your meals, your social security, your 12 step program, talk frequently with your family, your behavior at the group home, and your outpatient program. But if it doesn’t work out the social worker will have another place for you. He’s not a socialist though…
  2. 129. 119. The sedatives don’t work when you have caffeine
  3. 130. 120. Not all artists have to starve, just the ones with no talent or bad family.

The punk rock was a strange breed. Back then we didn’t dress up or have funny hair or anything maybe just a leather jacket, some jeans some boots. We fought, hit and hit it  hard. We were angry and we were loud and the music wasn’t that bad. We were a live fast die young generation. My friend sang with a band called the Adolescents a little. I don’t know the story that well. He knew a lot of people. He had been sent to rehab I think at 14. I quit when he died of an overdose. Party’s over!

I don’t want to burn the whole establishment down. I don’t think that would be constructive.

  1. 131. At Sex Anonymous, make circles to decide for yourself which behaviors you can or can't do.
  2. 132. 121. Too many people fail. Don’t try to do art for a living. Do outpatient.
  3. 133. 122. LVN is a 13 month program and you become a psyche tech. And you get authority over all the psych patients.
  4. 134. 123. You don’t need a degree or experience in psychology to run a board and care. I came from the Philippines where having mental illness is terribly shameful.
  5. 135. 124. You have to be here at exactly six to eat your dinner. Tonight we’re having frozen burritos.
  6. 136. 125. We don’t want you to work while you’re here because of your social security. Maybe get a job under the table. But I didn’t say that. Shhh!
  7. 137. 126. Why do you want a woman to give you half oral sex and half vaginal sex? This is goals group.
  8. 138. 127. I own IBM. I own Amazon. I own Microsoft. I own Bell Air. I own God. He’s on my payroll.
  9. 139. 128. I have multiple personality disorder. That wasn’t me
  10. 140. 129. They’re just like you.
  11. 141. 130. They say we’re working towards going to school or getting a job, but everybody’s ignorant and unemployed.
  12. 142. 131. And we give you a gym membership. Just sign up for the HMO
  13. 143. 132. My counselor is ordered from the probation department. I’m not telling him anything.
  14. 144. 133. You act like a caged animal. You’re not a caged animal. Now go back to your unit.
  15. 145. 134. We all have our troubles
  16. 146. 135. All in order. The state conservatorship trial. Can we hear from the family?
  17. 147. 136. This is the last house on the block. That’s ok!
  18. 148. 137. The help I need is a lawyer
  19. Alcoholics Anonymous is so desperate to recruit they define alcoholism as anything. They say you can be a good family man, that you can have a successful career, a doctor, a CEO, a priest, you can have a P.H.D. Taking care of your mother... It doesn't matter how much or how little you drank??? How does that work???
  20. That’s not true. It’s a disease that can affect anyone. What about all those famous people?

There’s no medical involvement at any time. They discourage it because it might make you drink.

I’m an acholic because I like the affect produced by alcohol. I don’t. I love the taste of Bud Light.

The scientists found a gene for alcoholism. It’s somehere on the 5th Chromosome on the third genome. I’m not a scientist, but in this case they’re right.

Mom’s lawyer just confiscated my medicine. She gave to him. I’ll try to get it back tonight. He’ll be at the meeting.

  1. 149. 138. My mother asked for treatment from my therapist. Two sessions and I’m almost institutionalized.
  2. 150. 139. I told the college intern I wanted to talk about something heavy. She said she could handle it. I told her about the jail  rape. She started screaming and bouncing around like Daffy Duck. She couldn’t handle it.
  3. 151. 140. The psychologist is bound by law to keep secret everything I say. So I just fuck with him.
  4. 152. 141. Why in the world would you come home with that horrible mentally ill woman? Because you put me in a mental institution.

Thorozine – an unpleasant vacation from thought

  1. 153. 142. We had your child put up for adoption because I didn’t want to have to take care of him. It was a tough decision
  2. 154. 143. I know smoking is bad for you and you die, but I kind of want to die. You kill yourself one puff at a time. If you ever want to kill yourself just a little, you can always have a smoke.

To drink is to die! Gonna happen some day.

One beer doesn’t do anything. You might as well have a Pepsi. Don’t risk relapse!

  1. 155. 144. What led up to my conviction I was starving and  panhandling outside the am/pm for for food on my 50th birthday. Now her and my angry sister-in-law are saying I had food. They testified
  2. 156. 145. The police said I would be charged with breaking and entering. I was convicted of felony strike residential burglary. I didn't steal anything. I just went into my mothers home without her permission. She also issued a restraining order for elder abuse.
  3. 157. 146. I got three months served, three years probation, a felony on my record so I couldn't work and mental health.
  4. 158. 147. On  my70th birthday, your sister took me to Paris. Look I have pictures!
  5. 159. 148. I’m not bailing you out and I took away your money.

What’s your full name? Daniel Larry JoyceDo you have any disabilitiesBipolarIs there any reason you can’t work? I don’t want to make moneyDo you need me to repeat the charges?

I’m a victim of society and amateur psychology and abusive parents and a bad neighborhood and a union job… but you can’t blame me, I was born an alcoholic.

All my life I’ve tried to be good. 99% of the time I have. It’s just that damn one percent.

I started hard when I saw a picture by van Gogh in an encyclopedia. He was bipolar and I could relate. Then I found out he cut off his ear killed himself and didn’t make a dime. I started studying Andy Warhol.

You don’t want the painting. You picked that one out. I told you that you could have painting any painting in the gallery and you don’t want it! Mom, do you see why I’m dysfunctional?

This is painting of Robert Downy Jr. It uses a colorful drip and splatter technique much like Jackson Pollack. It is portrait of the actor and it’s framed. I highly recommend it. But you might not like him and like someone else. You can have any painting on the wall. Pick one before mom does.

  1. 160. 149. If you’re not crazy when you get here, you will be when you get out.
  2. 161. 150. Why did you attempt suicide? Because the treatment made my life so good.

The AA big book is often referred to by the counselor in psychiatric group settings and of course it’s widely used in AA; That makes him dual diagnosis.

we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Well technically I’m not an alcoholic anymore. So I can write whatever the fuck I want!

You mean to say you haven’t been kidnapped raped tortured butt fucked and murdered by a Columbian cartel YET!

 

 

  1. 162. 151. Do you know why I’m trying to get you to shave, brush your teeth, do your hair and look better? Cause you’re gay?
  2. 163. 152. All your problems are of your own making. Even your parents beating you,
  3. 164. 153. In art group I’ve been working hard on art. This is a picture of you. That looks like a penis.
  4. 165. 154. Draw an image that best describes you… Well it’s a puppet and it’s got strings and people pull them.
  5. 166. 155. We don’t like him, but he’s gonna need more treatment.
  6. 167. 156. Passive is giving up your coffee. Assertive is buying your coffee and letting others do the same. Aggressive is taking someone else’s coffee. Passive Aggressive is poisoning their coffee.

My parents owned property in a bad neighborhood. They moved me in to make it better, but I made it get worse.

  1. 168. 157. I know this is a slummy boarding building and you have no money, your family is abusive and you’ve lost everything, just take a few deep breaths, things are getting better.
  2. 169. 158. Why are you standing here asking for money? Are you on  drugs? No, my family took my job then they made me see a psychiatrist and told him stuff about me and then they put me in a mental institution and… Here’s a buck!
  3. 170. 159. Sensitive people won’t make this program, but we welcome everybody
  4. 171. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Some people don’t know. Do know what you should look for to determine if you’re an acoholic? Empty bottles!
  5. 172. 160. It’s just too hard on us to visit you all poor and desperate. Your mental illness is too depressing.
  6. 173. 161. Tell me about your dreams. Scary
  7. 174. 162. I Don’t need a psychiatrist or therapist like you. I just go to the family doctor and take one prozac and I’m fine.
  8. 175. 163. Your sister has a good job and is very wealthy. So, she can drink a case of beer a day.
  9. 176. For years I didn't know what I was taking. That's bad, because if you miss a dose, you don't know where to find it.
  10. 177. Mom there's 12 containers. I don't know which ones to take?
  11. 178. Just count to 12.

This is mania. It’s like a drunkenness. You’re really happy and you get poor judgement. I’d see the doctor but he’s the one that messed it up I think. He just started seeing me. So I don’t think he had enough information on me. I should go to AA. They have a bunch.

  1. 179. 164. We told the doctor about your compulsive spending. You can’t have money. I can.
  2. 180. 165. We want to take control of his finances. He’s not budgeting his government check.
  3. 181. We're family members. We paid for this group.

If you had a bad relationship with your mother, your girlfriends will be the same. I’m fucked!

No, I’ve had girlfriends that weren’t like my mother and my mother didn’t like them.

On our way to Disneyland we stopped by my family’s house, she sat on the couch and the family just stared at my date.

 

There are other ways you can attain good mental health without medication. You can watch your diet, you can exercise, maintain a healthy regiment, positive thinking and positive friends, rise and shine early, avoid carbohydrates, a productive work pattern, thrifty budgeting, practice assertiveness, positive communication, discern heathy relationships with significant others, take a course at the local college,  work on your cognitive reasoning skills and keep boundaries from toxic people. But I figured that was too complicated. I just take the pills.

 

  1. 182. 166. That abusive AA sponsor was good for you. We talked to him on the phone.

All of the 12 steps came from a now defunct Christian cult called the Oxford group and after his spiritual experience, Bill copywrote them and that’s the history of AA. You’re on your way to getting sober kid. I believe in you.

I've been clean and sober a couple decades, but I had a beer on New Year's Eve. So I had to start over. I didn't like the beer. It tastes bad. It tasted bad back then. I just wanted to be cool.

  1. 183. 167. You’re playing a guilt trip on me. That’s impossible.
  2. 184. 168. My biggest fear is that my paranoia is not an illusion
  3. 185. 169. It doesn’t help to be right all the time. You can be wrong. Try being wrong one day at a time.
  4. 186. 170. Mother, the medicine has been making my hand shake so bad I won’t be able to paint. I know but we want what’s best for you.
  5. 187. 171. You fried your brain on drugs. I smoked pot in High School.
  6. 188. 172. Then why didn’t you work? You put me in boarding homes and institutions. We weren’t allowed to work. They had a candy store in one. Me and Tracy ran it. They trusted us with the money.
  7. 189. 173. He told the counselor that his father burned him with a cigarette and they reported it. What a thing to do!
  8. 190. 174. It’s easy to explain the cigarette scar. He was fighting with him.
  9. 191. 175. He doesn’t always hit me usually he just grabs me throws me on the ground puts my head down and forces my chest into the cement until I suffocate. He goes to parent groups
  10. 192. 176. At the group they teach us that it's not our fault. They teach you that it's mine.
  11. 193. 177. Dad I got back from AA today I just quit drinking and pot. WAIT! DAD! NO DAD NO! DAD NO! STOP DAD DAD DAD STOP NO!
  12. 194. 178. The police asked me why you called them and not me.
  13. 195. 179. You're different. Cops don't usually have sympathy. The word is empathy. That's where I learned the word empathy. I never heard it before.
  14. 196. 180. Next they’ll be calling that child abuse
  15. 197. 181. Mom, my lawyer says he’s representing you now.
  16. 198. 182. Bankruptcy cases are simple. The lawyer takes all your money. Then he declares you bankrupt.
  17. 199. 183. At AA they kept saying Bipolar Moment and laughing. I think that's mean. What if bipolar people said stuff like that about them? I just had an alcoholic moment. I peed on the lawn.
  18. 200. 184. Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Nobody likes a victim. I spent ten years in prison. I don’t like victims.
  19. 201. 185. I like Donald Trump. I didn't vote for him. Hell no! I just think he's cool. He's crazy, like me!
  20. 202. 186. Sex is only for procreation, not just love
  21. 203. 187. Children obey your parents… no matter what
  22. 204. 188. Why do you like that angry depressing music?
  23. 205. 189. Honor your mother and father but not yourself
  24. 206. 190. My perfect place is the graveyard .
  25. 207. 191. Hey! I got some terrible news at the clinic. Mom is pathological. We just found out!
  26. 208. 192. There's no bound secrecy in AA. It's just an honor system. So if they have honor, you're good
  27. 209. 193. I know you're my AA sponsor, but are you sure I should just use you and not the therapist because therapists don't know what they're doing?
  28. 210. 194. Ok sponsor. I don’t agree with you on your conservative politics. But I do agree with you about Vietnam. After talking to you I realized what I learned about it was staunch and rigid and wrong. But we’ll have to split on AA

You’re not old enough to talk politics.

My brain needed to be washed.

They’ve got a men’s meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and once a year they go out to the desert to teach the new men how to use guns. What could possible go wrong there

  1. 211. If a person chizophrenia or biplolar they should have the option available to seek treatment for themselves.. It should not be forced. There gonna hear it from someone. No one becomes that mentally ill and is the last one to know,
  2. 212. 195. My brain needed to be washed.
  3. 213. 196. They said the marijuana didn’t cause my mental illness. They said it was.caused by you!
  4. 214. 197. You're a brilliant artist. You're a genius. No, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to cook. Geniuses know everything.
  5. 215. 198. Don't worry about that. That's. my 4th step. It's all over the place.
  6. 217. 200. e4th step stuff
  7. 218. 201. I promise you I will never do that again and I will never take another drink in my life if I have to die first.
  8. 219. 202. When this Is all done, I'll either be rich or kill myself or both, but I'll go to a meeting first.

Alleg Ginsberg had a huge legal battle over his monumental poem Howl that moved an entire generation. Whatever happened to fighting censorshp?

  1. 220. I wanted to establish that the main character had become a garbled mess, so I used myself for reference.
  2. 221. For research I sought help from people who were whacked out and unprofessional. So, I went to 12-step groups.

When I discovered my girlfriend was 14 years old, I hit the bottle.

The gentlemen came in and said it was the best thing for our daughter. Next thing you know she was smoking cigarettes getting tattoos and dating a convict, but she doesn’t drink.

It’s not such a bad thing to be sober. It’s just the way they go about doing it

I felt guilty when I killed a man drunk driving that increased my drinking. But when I killed a man in a barfight, the judge exonerate me because I’m an upstanding member of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous, New York Central office. Yes, I have a question. If a woman is sexually assaulted or raped in AA What legal services do you offer? The Yellow Pages. My homegroup didn’t believe me.”

My drinking is really bad. It’s affecting my college and my modeling. Should I go to AA? Try to moderate.

I want to be famous for my art. I’ve put too much work into it.

  1. 222. 203. The ideations started in Junior High. A girl at my school committed suicide. I thought it was cool.
  2. 223. 1. I tried suicide after high school. I got a job at a grocery store. I wasn't popular. They didn't like me at all and were mean, sometimes threatening. They would act strange to confuse me. My dad got me that. job. I was hired on as a scab, then permanent.

November 18, 1978

  1. ©Dan Joyce 2021

 

The following story is for entertainment only

Although it is based on the truth of my life

Remember, I am not a psychologist

And this is not a prescription for anything

It is simply one case study

But I fear there may be more

 

Have You Taken Your Meds?

I sat down to write a short list of things that bother me.

  1. 1. Have you taken your meds?
  2. 2. You’re lazy You don’t do enough for me
  3. 3. We’re getting you the help you need
  4. 4. You’re on the wrong meds or not taking them right
  5. 5. You need more mental health treatment
  6. 6. You’re taking in too much sugar, caffeine, red meat, Cheetos…
  7. 7. Don’t use your illness as an excuse
  8. 8. I will help you
  9. 9. God will cure you
  10. 10. People are uncomfortable with you
  11. 11. Psychos kill people
  12. 12. Get help!
  13. 13. It’s all in your head
  14. 14. Don’t take the medicine it’s bad
  15. 15. You don’t need that doctor/therapist
  16. 16. You’re perfectly fine
  17. 17. This or that thing I don’t like about you is your illness
  18. 18. Just get a job, a car, a house and a mortgage and you won’t have stress
  19. 19. I’ve just got a few things I want you to change
  20. 20. Don’t listen to your counselor, listen to me
  21. 21. You are the problem with the family
  22. 22. It’s your problem, you deal with it
  23. 23. You’re cheating the government for money
  24. 24. I work!
  25. 25. You’re smart enough to figure this out for yourself
  26. 27. You’re a vegetable
  27. 28. Why can’t you find the right man/woman?
  28. 29. Your friends made you like this
  29. 30. Child abuse has nothing to do with mental illness
  30. 31. There’s no such thing as normal, we’re all a little crazy
  31. 32. This is because of the pot you smoked
  32. 33. You need tough love! Go live on the streets!
  33. 34. Living here will help you and not just get you away from us
  34. 35. I don’t have what you have
  35. 36. My psychiatrist says you have the problem

You’re gonna love me whether you like it or not

Let me give you something cry about

  1. 37. Aren’t all families dysfunctional
  2. 38. I can show you how to be normal
  3. 39. Your diagnosis is just a label
  4. 40. If you think you’re crazy you’ll be crazy

That’s a good question. I’ve got a question for you. Do questions help you hear the answers you want?

  1. 41. This is an act or a game
  2. 42. Doctors are all drug dealer
  3. 43. Just forget about your traumatic past
  4. 44. I’m going to give therapy to your parents now
  5. 45. Why is social security on your job application?
  6. 46. I wish I could go to college on government money
  7. 47. They may seem slow but they’re part of our group
  8. 48. If you went to the gym you wouldn’t have schizophrenia
  9. I ll give you an example. The parents take their son to a psychiatrist and constantly tell him that the boy is not cleaning his room. But what is that a sypmtom of? Bipolar? Schizophrenia, Depression. No! The kid’s just messy!
  10. 49. Don’t go 5150 on me

You always come home from Catholic school crying. Toughen up!

  1. 51. 50. I think my girlfriend is bipolar
  2. 52. 51. Marijuana and alcohol are harmful drugs. Cigarettes and coffee aren’t.
  3. 53. 52. What are the voices saying?
  4. 54. 53. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, guess which side you’re on
  5. 55. 54. Let me teach you logic
  6. 56. 55. Everybody has a little bit wrong with them, but some people have a lot
  7. 57. 56. Can’t we force it on him a little?
  8. 58. 57. What legal resources are therapeutic?
  9. 59. 58. We want you to apologize to all the people who have wronged you.
  10. 60. The big book is 164 pages long. War and Peace is only 1296.
  11. 61. 59. I had a driink, I lost my soul, turned into a donkey and started running around with Pinocchio!
  12. 62. 60. We weren’t sure if you needed more acute treatment, so we talked to your parents
  13. 63. 61. My doctor says art and philosophy are bad for your mental health. You need religion and conservative politics
  14. 64. 62. You’re going to put me in the poorhouse. Now go back to your group home.
  15. 65. 63. I have the common cold of mental illness. You are very sick.

Mom’s shrink is teaching her about something called Tough Love.

  1. 66. 64. There’s nothing in the will for you. You need mental health treatment.
  2. 67. 65. So you went to college and fed yourself. You’re cheating the system,
  3. 68. 66. We’re not giving you your inheritance. We’re gonna let go with love.
  4. 69. 67. You’re too ill to handle decent living conditions.
  5. 70. 68. We asked your doctor if you were pathological
  6. 71. 69. We did the best we could. We can’t help it if that was fucked up!
  7. 72. 70. We think homelessness will cure his alcoholism and mental health.
  8. 73. 71. Sometimes you have to hit your child.
  9. 74. 72. They thought abuse caused mental illness, but that just made the parents feel guilty.
  10. 75. 73. You don’t need a job, an apartment or a girlfriend. You’re getting mental health.
  11. 76. 74. Outpatient is like having a job.
  12. 77. 75. The doctor said I’m the best patient he’s ever had. You’re not!
  13. 78. 76. I have love hate feelings for my son. He’s such a handsome boy, but what a fuck up!
  14. 79. 77. You’ll never be able to do as much.
  15. 80. 78. I never needed a college degree. I sponsored guys in AA for 10 years.
  16. 81. 79. We’re not forcing you to do anything. It’s my house you’ll do what I say.
  17. 82. 80. You’re a grown man you can take care of yourself. Now treat your sickness.
  18. 83. 81. We told your therapist we never hit you.
  19. 84. 82. You’re a bad person.
  20. 85. 83. Don’t you want to be free and independent? Now take your medicine.
  21. 86. 84. You take meds? We've saved a seat for you over here on the group W bench.
  22. 87. 85. Why do you go to outpatient on such a short bus?
  23. 88. 86. I couldn’t handle having a huge family. There was stress, I felt overloaded. So, I hit you.
  24. 89. 87. We weren’t abusive. It’s all in your head. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. If you don’t. We will.
  25. 90. 88. Isn’t the sign of maturity when you stop blaming your parents? No, it’s when they stop doing shit.
  26. 91. 89. I was badly abused as a child. So what I’m doing to you isn’t really the same thing.
  27. 92. 90. The doctor says my mother is pathological. They’re having a session to discuss what to do with me.
  28. 93. 91. They say your mental illness is hereditary. But we don’t know where it came from.
  29. 94. 92. All you want is money, so we’re taking it away!
  30. 95. 93. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you drink. You can have one beer and still be an alcoholic. Yeah if you’re a mouse.
  31. 96. 94. Why did I suddenly need intensive psychiatry after I asked to see the will?
  32. 97. 95. We gave you a curfew, we wouldn’t let you date, we forced you to church, we disapproved of all your friends and you’re rebelling. Why?
  33. 98. 96. I left a note on my bed. Mom, not going to school today. Went to the Colosseum to see The Rolling Stones. Will be home late. P.S. took the car. You were a bad boy. Yeah, some kids are. That's why there's treatment.

Who did you get in a fight with? The basketball team.

  1. 99. 97. The program says you can’t have a bank account
  2. 100. 98. I love all my children equally, you’re just the one I’m putting away.
  3. 101. 99. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nuff said
  4. 102. 100. A beating with a belt, because your Child needs to learn violence at the youngest age possible
  5. 103. 101. We found pot in your room That’s what’s making you crazy. You’re getting a big Whooping!
  6. 104. 102. My father beat me but I’m grateful for it. He taught me respect. What are you talking about officer? Respect for what? Now I don’t even trust you with a gun.
  7. 105. 103. ...and this is the recreation room where you can have juice and cookies and watch a movie while you work out your troubles.
  8. 106. 104. This is a good place. They'll help you quit the drinking and the pot. And just for you doing this we'll buy you a carton of cigarettes once a week.
  9. 107. 105. When you have children of your own you’ll see why I’m doing this.
  10. 108. 106. You’re spoiled! My father beat me even worse.
  11. 109. 107. I don’t play favorites, but you’ll never be as good at that as Suzy.
  12. 110. 108. What’s the difference between you and your son’s illness? I’m functional. My husband takes care of me.
  13. 111. 109. The psychiatrist said I’m extremely sane after the multiple abuse I went through, but he didn’t have good things to say about treating you.
  14. 112. 110. Our psychiatrist used to be a professional football player for the Bears. He got out of the game when he tackled a player and broke both his arms and legs. He didn’t realize how strong he was.
  15. 113. 111. The food’s bad. The nurses are mean. The patients are psychotic. The medicine is too strong. You’re incarcerated. You complain about everything.
  16. 114. 112. So we took away your car so you couldn’t get to your job, we cut you out of the trust fund, we cut your college funds, we wouldn’t help with rent when you were homeless. But not everybody gets the blessings you have.
  17. 115. 113. I know they’re all convicts at the sober living, but they’re good people
  18. 116. 114. Make the best of it! Does that hurt?
  19. 117. 115. You weren’t serious about college. You were studying graphic design, web development and advertising. You were an art major. Your brother is studying Anthropology.
  20. 118. 116. Honey, you're not seeing it. I really don't want to win this argument, but you've never seen it in person because you wouldn't. My mom makes fun of you when you're not around. She's not well. She's not like the Christian women you meet at the church.
  21. 119. There’s nice people everywhere. It just depends on where you go.
  22. 120. You’re. medication is blocking your contact with God.
  23. 121. 117. The good jobs In my field were in LA county. So when they took the car I couldn’t get to them or an interview, just maybe McDonald’s and I won’t do that. But why think I’m’ better than just because I worked real hard and got a college education?
  24. 122. If Alcoholics Anonymous ever falls something will come to take its place. Let’s just hope it’

“You said you drank everyday after I said I did. You need to quit school so you can work on your sobriety with us. We are strong in numbers like a gang. Great, I’ve been an alcoholic for two weeks and already I’ve dropped out of school and joined a gang.

They showed up at my parent’s house, they show up at my work, they showed up at my gym, they found me in an undisclosed apartment with a security code on the door. Anonymity is an amazing thing. They can find you anywhere!

  1. 123. Officer I’m being stalked, threatened and they said they got guns. Just go back to AA. You’ll do better when you quit drinking.
  2. 124. In LA I met Charlie Sheen a couple times. I don’t think he’d remember me. Then again, I’m hard to forget.

Isn't there somewhere I can report this in AA and do something about it. Actually not, there are no AA police. But there are plenty of AA criminals. 

 

Obsession is actually kind of nice because you’re thinking of somebody else and not yourself, unless you don’t have her permission.

  1. 125. Yes, they talk about guns, but they made it sound more like a hobby.
  2. 126. You have to have respect for an alcoholic like you have respect for a gun, but we’re not a dangerous cult.

In college I got the highest grade in the class, Critical Thinkl, but I don’t argue a lot or cuss people out. That’s not in the rules of critical thinking.

 

 

  1. 127. I usually call my writing process message in a bottle, but this one is a cry for help!

What do you want? Someone to rescue you? No I. just want to sit here and suffer.

AA has no doctors, professional or medical involvement of any kind. .They discourage it because it.might make you drink.

  1. 128. 118. This is the social worker, he’ll be responsible for your housing, your treatment, your meals, your social security, your 12 step program, talk frequently with your family, your behavior at the group home, and your outpatient program. But if it doesn’t work out the social worker will have another place for you. He’s not a socialist though…
  2. 129. 119. The sedatives don’t work when you have caffeine
  3. 130. 120. Not all artists have to starve, just the ones with no talent or bad family.

The punk rock was a strange breed. Back then we didn’t dress up or have funny hair or anything maybe just a leather jacket, some jeans some boots. We fought, hit and hit it  hard. We were angry and we were loud and the music wasn’t that bad. We were a live fast die young generation. My friend sang with a band called the Adolescents a little. I don’t know the story that well. He knew a lot of people. He had been sent to rehab I think at 14. I quit when he died of an overdose. Party’s over!

I don’t want to burn the whole establishment down. I don’t think that would be constructive.

  1. 131. At Sex Anonymous, make circles to decide for yourself which behaviors you can or can't do.
  2. 132. 121. Too many people fail. Don’t try to do art for a living. Do outpatient.
  3. 133. 122. LVN is a 13 month program and you become a psyche tech. And you get authority over all the psych patients.
  4. 134. 123. You don’t need a degree or experience in psychology to run a board and care. I came from the Philippines where having mental illness is terribly shameful.
  5. 135. 124. You have to be here at exactly six to eat your dinner. Tonight we’re having frozen burritos.
  6. 136. 125. We don’t want you to work while you’re here because of your social security. Maybe get a job under the table. But I didn’t say that. Shhh!
  7. 137. 126. Why do you want a woman to give you half oral sex and half vaginal sex? This is goals group.
  8. 138. 127. I own IBM. I own Amazon. I own Microsoft. I own Bell Air. I own God. He’s on my payroll.
  9. 139. 128. I have multiple personality disorder. That wasn’t me
  10. 140. 129. They’re just like you.
  11. 141. 130. They say we’re working towards going to school or getting a job, but everybody’s ignorant and unemployed.
  12. 142. 131. And we give you a gym membership. Just sign up for the HMO
  13. 143. 132. My counselor is ordered from the probation department. I’m not telling him anything.
  14. 144. 133. You act like a caged animal. You’re not a caged animal. Now go back to your unit.
  15. 145. 134. We all have our troubles
  16. 146. 135. All in order. The state conservatorship trial. Can we hear from the family?
  17. 147. 136. This is the last house on the block. That’s ok!
  18. 148. 137. The help I need is a lawyer
  19. Alcoholics Anonymous is so desperate to recruit they define alcoholism as anything. They say you can be a good family man, that you can have a successful career, a doctor, a CEO, a priest, you can have a P.H.D. Taking care of your mother... It doesn't matter how much or how little you drank??? How does that work???
  20. That’s not true. It’s a disease that can affect anyone. What about all those famous people?

There’s no medical involvement at any time. They discourage it because it might make you drink.

I’m an acholic because I like the affect produced by alcohol. I don’t. I love the taste of Bud Light.

The scientists found a gene for alcoholism. It’s somehere on the 5th Chromosome on the third genome. I’m not a scientist, but in this case they’re right.

Mom’s lawyer just confiscated my medicine. She gave to him. I’ll try to get it back tonight. He’ll be at the meeting.

  1. 149. 138. My mother asked for treatment from my therapist. Two sessions and I’m almost institutionalized.
  2. 150. 139. I told the college intern I wanted to talk about something heavy. She said she could handle it. I told her about the jail  rape. She started screaming and bouncing around like Daffy Duck. She couldn’t handle it.
  3. 151. 140. The psychologist is bound by law to keep secret everything I say. So I just fuck with him.
  4. 152. 141. Why in the world would you come home with that horrible mentally ill woman? Because you put me in a mental institution.

Thorozine – an unpleasant vacation from thought

  1. 153. 142. We had your child put up for adoption because I didn’t want to have to take care of him. It was a tough decision
  2. 154. 143. I know smoking is bad for you and you die, but I kind of want to die. You kill yourself one puff at a time. If you ever want to kill yourself just a little, you can always have a smoke.

To drink is to die! Gonna happen some day.

One beer doesn’t do anything. You might as well have a Pepsi. Don’t risk relapse!

  1. 155. 144. What led up to my conviction I was starving and  panhandling outside the am/pm for for food on my 50th birthday. Now her and my angry sister-in-law are saying I had food. They testified
  2. 156. 145. The police said I would be charged with breaking and entering. I was convicted of felony strike residential burglary. I didn't steal anything. I just went into my mothers home without her permission. She also issued a restraining order for elder abuse.
  3. 157. 146. I got three months served, three years probation, a felony on my record so I couldn't work and mental health.
  4. 158. 147. On  my70th birthday, your sister took me to Paris. Look I have pictures!
  5. 159. 148. I’m not bailing you out and I took away your money.

What’s your full name? Daniel Larry JoyceDo you have any disabilitiesBipolarIs there any reason you can’t work? I don’t want to make moneyDo you need me to repeat the charges?

I’m a victim of society and amateur psychology and abusive parents and a bad neighborhood and a union job… but you can’t blame me, I was born an alcoholic.

All my life I’ve tried to be good. 99% of the time I have. It’s just that damn one percent.

I started hard when I saw a picture by van Gogh in an encyclopedia. He was bipolar and I could relate. Then I found out he cut off his ear killed himself and didn’t make a dime. I started studying Andy Warhol.

You don’t want the painting. You picked that one out. I told you that you could have painting any painting in the gallery and you don’t want it! Mom, do you see why I’m dysfunctional?

This is painting of Robert Downy Jr. It uses a colorful drip and splatter technique much like Jackson Pollack. It is portrait of the actor and it’s framed. I highly recommend it. But you might not like him and like someone else. You can have any painting on the wall. Pick one before mom does.

  1. 160. 149. If you’re not crazy when you get here, you will be when you get out.
  2. 161. 150. Why did you attempt suicide? Because the treatment made my life so good.

Mom, as far as the medicine, let’s leave it to the doctors. You are not the only one who tries to change and suggest. If you are cooking you don’t let everybody else tell you what to put in the broth. It comes out junk soup. I have 12 prescriptions now and I hardly know what they’re for. If it were two or three I could research and figure it out. I was in hospitals, institutions, outpatient, sober livings, listening to AA and everybody else’s opinion of what to take, what not to take, or don’t take at all and I ended up inpatient or in rehab. Let’s let the doctors do their job. They’re not a conspiracy theory and they’re not out to get us. Believe me, they do a much better job of handling the drugs than me and other people.

I need some positive answers. Ok. Apologize when necessary, Look for your part in things, Take responsibility for yourself. You sound like my dad.

 

The AA big book is often referred to by the counselor in psychiatric group settings and of course it’s widely used in AA; That makes him dual diagnosis.

we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Well technically I’m not an alcoholic anymore. So I can write whatever the fuck I want!

You mean to say you haven’t been kidnapped raped tortured butt fucked and murdered by a Columbian cartel YET!

 

 

  1. 162. 151. Do you know why I’m trying to get you to shave, brush your teeth, do your hair and look better? Cause you’re gay?
  2. 163. 152. All your problems are of your own making. Even your parents beating you,
  3. 164. 153. In art group I’ve been working hard on art. This is a picture of you. That looks like a penis.
  4. 165. 154. Draw an image that best describes you… Well it’s a puppet and it’s got strings and people pull them.
  5. 166. 155. We don’t like him, but he’s gonna need more treatment.
  6. 167. 156. Passive is giving up your coffee. Assertive is buying your coffee and letting others do the same. Aggressive is taking someone else’s coffee. Passive Aggressive is poisoning their coffee.

My parents owned property in a bad neighborhood. They moved me in to make it better, but I made it get worse.

  1. 168. 157. I know this is a slummy boarding building and you have no money, your family is abusive and you’ve lost everything, just take a few deep breaths, things are getting better.
  2. 169. 158. Why are you standing here asking for money? Are you on  drugs? No, my family took my job then they made me see a psychiatrist and told him stuff about me and then they put me in a mental institution and… Here’s a buck!
  3. 170. 159. Sensitive people won’t make this program, but we welcome everybody
  4. 171. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Some people don’t know. Do know what you should look for to determine if you’re an acoholic? Empty bottles!
  5. 172. 160. It’s just too hard on us to visit you all poor and desperate. Your mental illness is too depressing.
  6. 173. 161. Tell me about your dreams. Scary
  7. 174. 162. I Don’t need a psychiatrist or therapist like you. I just go to the family doctor and take one prozac and I’m fine.
  8. 175. 163. Your sister has a good job and is very wealthy. So, she can drink a case of beer a day.
  9. 176. For years I didn't know what I was taking. That's bad, because if you miss a dose, you don't know where to find it.
  10. 177. Mom there's 12 containers. I don't know which ones to take?
  11. 178. Just count to 12.

This is mania. It’s like a drunkenness. You’re really happy and you get poor judgement. I’d see the doctor but he’s the one that messed it up I think. He just started seeing me. So I don’t think he had enough information on me. I should go to AA. They have a bunch.

  1. 179. 164. We told the doctor about your compulsive spending. You can’t have money. I can.
  2. 180. 165. We want to take control of his finances. He’s not budgeting his government check.
  3. 181. We're family members. We paid for this group.

If you had a bad relationship with your mother, your girlfriends will be the same. I’m fucked!

No, I’ve had girlfriends that weren’t like my mother and my mother didn’t like them.

On our way to Disneyland we stopped by my.family’s house, she sat on the couch and the family just stared at my date.

 

  1. 182. 166. That abusive AA sponsor was good for you. We talked to him on the phone.

All of the 12 steps came from a now defunct Christian cult called the Oxford group and after his spiritual experience, Bill copywrote them and that’s the history of AA. You’re on your way to getting sober kid. I believe in you.

I've been clean and sober a couple decades, but I had a beer on New Year's Eve. So I had to start over. I didn't like the beer. It tastes bad. It tasted bad back then. I just wanted to be cool.

  1. 183. 167. You’re playing a guilt trip on me. That’s impossible.
  2. 184. 168. My biggest fear is that my paranoia is not an illusion
  3. 185. 169. It doesn’t help to be right all the time. You can be wrong. Try being wrong one day at a time.
  4. 186. 170. Mother, the medicine has been making my hand shake so bad I won’t be able to paint. I know but we want what’s best for you.
  5. 187. 171. You fried your brain on drugs. I smoked pot in High School.
  6. 188. 172. Then why didn’t you work? You put me in boarding homes and institutions. We weren’t allowed to work. They had a candy store in one. Me and Tracy ran it. They trusted us with the money.
  7. 189. 173. He told the counselor that his father burned him with a cigarette and they reported it. What a thing to do!
  8. 190. 174. It’s easy to explain the cigarette scar. He was fighting with him.
  9. 191. 175. He doesn’t always hit me usually he just grabs me throws me on the ground puts my head down and forces my chest into the cement until I suffocate. He goes to parent groups
  10. 192. 176. At the group they teach us that it's not our fault. They teach you that it's mine.
  11. 193. 177. Dad I got back from AA today I just quit drinking and pot. WAIT! DAD! NO DAD NO! DAD NO! STOP DAD DAD DAD STOP NO!
  12. 194. 178. The police asked me why you called them and not me.
  13. 195. 179. You're different. Cops don't usually have sympathy. The word is empathy. That's where I learned the word empathy. I never heard it before.
  14. 196. 180. Next they’ll be calling that child abuse
  15. 197. 181. Mom, my lawyer says he’s representing you now.
  16. 198. 182. Bankruptcy cases are simple. The lawyer takes all your money. Then he declares you bankrupt.
  17. 199. 183. At AA they kept saying Bipolar Moment and laughing. I think that's mean. What if bipolar people said stuff like that about them? I just had an alcoholic moment. I peed on the lawn.
  18. 200. 184. Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Nobody likes a victim. I spent ten years in prison. I don’t like victims.
  19. 201. 185. I like Donald Trump. I didn't vote for him. Hell no! I just think he's cool. He's crazy, like me!
  20. 202. 186. Sex is only for procreation, not just love
  21. 203. 187. Children obey your parents… no matter what
  22. 204. 188. Why do you like that angry depressing music?
  23. 205. 189. Honor your mother and father but not yourself
  24. 206. 190. My perfect place is the graveyard .
  25. 207. 191. Hey! I got some terrible news at the clinic. Mom is pathological. We just found out!
  26. 208. 192. There's no bound secrecy in AA. It's just an honor system. So if they have honor, you're good
  27. 209. 193. I know you're my AA sponsor, but are you sure I should just use you and not the therapist because therapists don't know what they're doing?
  28. 210. 194. Ok sponsor. I don’t agree with you on your conservative politics. But I do agree with you about Vietnam. After talking to you I realized what I learned about it was staunch and rigid and wrong. But we’ll have to split on AA

You’re not old enough to talk politics.

My brain needed to be washed.

They’ve got a men’s meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and once a year they go out to the desert to teach the new men how to use guns. What could possible go wrong there

  1. 211. If a person chizophrenia or biplolar they should have the option available to seek treatment for themselves.. It should not be forced. There gonna hear it from someone. No one becomes that mentally ill and is the last one to know,
  2. 212. 195. My brain needed to be washed.
  3. 213. 196. They said the marijuana didn’t cause my mental illness. They said it was.caused by you!
  4. 214. 197. You're a brilliant artist. You're a genius. No, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to cook. Geniuses know everything.
  5. 215. 198. Don't worry about that. That's. my 4th step. It's all over the place.
  6. 217. 200. e4th step stuff
  7. 218. 201. I promise you I will never do that again and I will never take another drink in my life if I have to die first.
  8. 219. 202. When this Is all done, I'll either be rich or kill myself or both, but I'll go to a meeting first.

Alleg Ginsberg had a huge legal battle over his monumental poem Howl that moved an entire generation. Whatever happened to fighting censorshp?

  1. 220. I wanted to establish that the main character had become a garbled mess, so I used myself for reference.
  2. 221. For research I sought help from people who were whacked out and unprofessional. So, I went to 12-step groups.

When I discovered my girlfriend was 14 years old, I hit the bottle.

The gentlemen came in and said it was the best thing for our daughter. Next thing you know she was smoking cigarettes getting tattoos and dating a convict, but she doesn’t drink.

It’s not such a bad thing to be sober. It’s just the way they go about doing it

I felt guilty when I killed a man drunk driving that increased my drinking. But when I killed a man in a barfight, the judge exonerate me because I’m an upstanding member of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous, New York Central office. Yes, I have a question. If a woman is sexually assaulted or raped in AA What legal services do you offer? The Yellow Pages. My homegroup didn’t believe me.”

My drinking is really bad. It’s affecting my college and my modeling. Should I go to AA? Try to moderate.

I want to be famous for my art. I’ve put too much work into it.

  1. 222. 203. The ideations started in Junior High. A girl at my school committed suicide. I thought it was cool.
  2. 223. 1. I tried suicide after high school. I got a job at a grocery store. I wasn't popular. They didn't like me at all and were mean, sometimes threatening. They would act strange to confuse me. My dad got me that. job. I was hired on as a scab, then permanent.

Following that I worked as a teller for a bank for about a year. I hadn’t really had any symptoms yet. Things started freaking out. They said I was throwing the money at the customers. There was a lot of stress. The bank insurance paid for a two week. psychiatric hospital visit. I was put on medicine and started to think clearly. My mother told my job what happened. Two days after returning to work I was fired. I left the bank in 1985. The American Disabilities Act was passed in 1990

Now, I go to a clinic on my own. They’re pretty good. Sometimes they fuck up, but when they fuck up, I just deal with it.

I want to report my therapist for unethical behavior. He looks at me mean and says things I don’t like.

 

  1. 224. 2. Have you ever kissed or held a man? I had a couple relationships in LA, but none before or after. Do you consider yourself gay? No. Then why did you do it? That's what everyone was doing. When in Rome do as the Roman's. When in Hollywood be fabulous.
  2. 225. 3. You want a loving caring mother and you’re never gonna get one. That hurts worse than the belt.
  3. 226. 4. You're mother's pathological, there's no treatment for it. How long does she have?
  4. 227. 5. tell me what you see about your mother?
  5. 228. 6. Sometimes I get this image of a beautiful Spanish woman holding me as sa child and I’ve always loved the Mexican in me.
  6. 229. 7. I attempted suicide twenty times and failed. It's an interesting fact that when you attempt suicide twenty times and fail, they stop testing your sanity and start testing your competency.
  7. 230. 8. Have ever been intimate with a woman?
  8. 231. 9. More than my fingers. Maybe toes too.
  9. 232. 10. Do you have a girlfriend?
  10. 233. 11. No just Luvy, That's what she calls herself she's my BBPFF best bipolar friends forever. The abbreviation's wrong. She came up with it. We say that because they don't like bipolar in AA. We go to meetings, groups, hangout...
  11. 234. 12. How long has this been going on?
  12. 235. 13. I think two years. We've never really kissed or anything, but she tried to sleep with me when she was drunk. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. She's been drinking a lot lately. More than ever. The disease is progressive. She didn't work a program. AA is for people who want it and do it. Not for people who get forced into it. She started when her woman's group was real mean to her. She's real sensitive. Mom doesn't like her and neither does AA."
  13. 236. 14. Does your mother go to AA?
  14. 237. 15. No she's not an alcoholic. She goes to Alanon.
  15. 238. 16. What about you? I hate it! I hate every minute of it with a cigarette break. The mock me, they harass me, they threaten me, they stalk me because I’m different because I’m not one of them and I’m never gonna be and the only way to be an alcoholic is to drink.”

If I quit Alcoholics Anonymous or stop taking the meds, mom will get mad at me. I can't imagine what she'll do.

  1. 239. 17. Where is Luvy now?
  2. 240. 18. She's homeless. I wish I could help, but I can't. Mother makes fun of her. Mom doesn't work, she owns property. I think it was in the will.
  3. 241. 19. You're not going to tell my mother?
  4. 242. 20. No we have a strict privacy policy. We're bound by law. We can't even contact her unless you ask."
  5. 243. 21. That's ok I won't!
  6. 244. 22. I know what you've been through. Trust me. You're my client, not hers
  7. 245. 23. How long is the therapy session? Because I can't be here too long. I gotta go plan my funeral.
  8. 246. 24. That's the session. Hey why don't you give Luvy a call?"
  9. 247. 25. Luvy! It's Dan. I know AA and my mother don't like you, but I do. You won't believe what I talked about in therapy, but first you gotta sign something.
  10. 26. I was coerced into seeing my mother's psychiatrist when I was 16. I'm not really sure why. He didn't seem to know what he was doing, but I couldn't tell. I was a scared boy. I thought he could read my mind. He wanted to prescribe me something that was a major tranquilizer. I don't know why. I said no. I started questioning my sanity. His latest kick was that he was interested in AA. They kicked him out. So of course he sent me there and I didn't have a choice. I didn't really drink, I smoked pot and it was far less potent back then. He told my mother I had to go, living at home I had no choice. I called AA and they sent me to a young people'e meeting. I went there and I hated it. I told my mother it was only on Sunday. Eventually I got out of going. When I turned 21 I drank a bit. One weekend evening I wanted to go out, but I had no money so I went to AA. My parents didn't even know I drank. They love bombed me. They had harsh insane funny stories about getting trashed beyond reason. They made it sound cool. I didn't drink that much, So I learned to. That started it, the real problem. I became a worse drinker going to AA than I could imagine
  11. 27. There is no good reason to drink. If you can find a legitimately good reason. I'll have one with you. Wait! Ths L.A. Raiders cheerleaders just invited us to their party!

Therapists don’t prescribe medication. He just talks to me and listen to me. Not a lot of people do that ya know. We did mock interviews I got a job and and car. I still get the suicidal stuff but as I get older it becomes far less important I had nice art show at a pretty good gallery. I painted famous people with mental illness. The idea was to show people we're not that bad. Luvy found a program to moderate her drinking and every now and then we have a cocktail to get in the mood. Dad died of cancer and mom lived well into her 90s. I didn’t go to therapy for it. It was easy grieving.

  1. 223. Mom, don't tell me to get over it, but I've had a hard life.
  2. 224. This book has been illustrated as picture book for the abusive parents who are slow readers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. 1.  ©Dan Joyce 2021

 

The following story is for entertainment only

Although it is based on the truth of my life

Remember, I am not a psychologist

And this is not a prescription for anything

It is simply one case study

But I fear there may be more

 

Have You Taken Your Meds?

 

  1. 1. Have you taken your meds?
  2. 2. You’re lazy You don’t do enough for me
  3. 3. We’re getting you the help you need
  4. 4. You’re on the wrong meds or not taking them right
  5. 5. You need more mental health treatment
  6. 6. You’re taking in too much sugar, caffeine, red meat, Cheetos…
  7. 7. Don’t use your illness as an excuse
  8. 8. I will help you
  9. 9. God will cure you
  10. 10. People are uncomfortable with you
  11. 11. Psychos kill people
  12. 12. Get help!
  13. 13. It’s all in your head
  14. 14. Don’t take the medicine it’s bad
  15. 15. You don’t need that doctor/therapist
  16. 16. You’re perfectly fine
  17. 17. This or that thing I don’t like about you is your illness
  18. 18. Just get a job, a car, a house and a mortgage and you won’t have stress
  19. 19. I’ve just got a few things I want you to change
  20. 20. Don’t listen to your counselor, listen to me
  21. 21. You are the problem with the family
  22. 22. It’s your problem, you deal with it
  23. 23. You’re cheating the government for money
  24. 24. I work!
  25. 25. You’re smart enough to figure this out for yourself
  26. 26. If you attempt suicide and fail you’re seeking attention
  27. 27. You’re a vegetable
  28. 28. Why can’t you find the right man/woman?
  29. 29. Your friends made you like this
  30. 30. Child abuse has nothing to do with mental illness
  31. 31. There’s no such thing as normal, we’re all a little crazy
  32. 32. This is because of the pot you smoked
  33. 33. You need tough love! Go live on the streets!
  34. 34. Living here will help you and not just get you away from us
  35. 35. I don’t have what you have
  36. 36. My psychiatrist says you have the problem

You’re gonna love me whether you like it or not

Let me give you something cry about

  1. 37. Aren’t all families dysfunctional
  2. 38. I can show you how to be normal
  3. 39. Your diagnosis is just a label
  4. 40. If you think you’re crazy you’ll be crazy
  5. 41. This is an act or a game
  6. 42. Doctors are all drug dealer
  7. 43. Just forget about your traumatic past
  8. 44. I’m going to give therapy to your parents now
  9. 45. Why is social security on your job application?
  10. 46. I wish I could go to college on government money
  11. 47. They may seem slow but they’re part of our group
  12. 48. If you went to the gym you wouldn’t have schizophrenia
  13. I ll give you an example. The parents take their son to a psychiatrist and constantly tell him that the boy is not cleaning his room. But what is that a sypmtom of? Bipolar? Schizophrenia, Depression. No! The kid’s just messy!
  14. 49. Don’t go 5150 on me

You always come home from Catholic school crying. Toughen up!

All the teacher did was put her hands down.my pants. It was to tuck in my shirt. I. didn’t like it. I hope it was good for her.

  1. 50. I think my girlfriend is bipolar
  2. 51. Marijuana and alcohol are harmful drugs. Cigarettes and coffee aren’t.
  3. 52. What are the voices saying?
  4. 53. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, guess which side you’re on
  5. 54. Let me teach you logic
  6. 55. Everybody has a little bit wrong with them, but some people have a lot
  7. 56. Can’t we force it on him a little?
  8. 57. What legal resources are therapeutic?
  9. 58. We want you to apologize to all the people who have wronged you.
  10. The big book is 164 pages long. War and Peace is only 1296.
  11. 59. I had a driink, I lost my soul, turned into a donkey and started running around with Pinocchio!
  12. 60. We weren’t sure if you needed more acute treatment, so we talked to your parents
  13. 61. My doctor says art and philosophy are bad for your mental health. You need religion and conservative politics
  14. 62. You’re going to put me in the poorhouse. Now go back to your group home.
  15. 63. I have the common cold of mental illness. You are very sick.

Mom’s shrink is teaching her about something called Tough Love.

  1. 64. There’s nothing in the will for you. You need mental health treatment.
  2. 65. So you went to college and fed yourself. You’re cheating the system,
  3. 66. We’re not giving you your inheritance. We’re gonna let go with love.
  4. 67. You’re too ill to handle decent living conditions.
  5. 68. We asked your doctor if you were pathological
  6. 69. We did the best we could. We can’t help it if that was fucked up!
  7. 70. We think homelessness will cure his alcoholism and mental health.
  8. 71. Sometimes you have to hit your child.
  9. 72. They thought abuse caused mental illness, but that just made the parents feel guilty.
  10. 73. You don’t need a job, an apartment or a girlfriend. You’re getting mental health.
  11. 74. Outpatient is like having a job.
  12. 75. The doctor said I’m the best patient he’s ever had. You’re not!
  13. 76. I have love hate feelings for my son. He’s such a handsome boy, but what a fuck up!
  14. 77. You’ll never be able to do as much.
  15. 78. I never needed a college degree. I sponsored guys in AA for 10 years.
  16. 79. We’re not forcing you to do anything. It’s my house you’ll do what I say.
  17. 80. You’re a grown man you can take care of yourself. Now treat your sickness.
  18. 81. We told your therapist we never hit you.
  19. 82. You’re a bad person.
  20. 83. Don’t you want to be free and independent? Now take your medicine.
  21. 84. You take meds? We've saved a seat for you over here on the group W bench.
  22. 85. Why do you go to outpatient on such a short bus?
  23. 86. I couldn’t handle having a huge family. There was stress, I felt overloaded. So, I hit you.
  24. 87. We weren’t abusive. It’s all in your head. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. If you don’t. We will.
  25. 88. Isn’t the sign of maturity when you stop blaming your parents? No, it’s when they stop doing shit.
  26. 89. I was badly abused as a child. So what I’m doing to you isn’t really the same thing.
  27. 90. The doctor says my mother is pathological. They’re having a session to discuss what to do with me.
  28. 91. They say your mental illness is hereditary. But we don’t know where it came from.

I’m 50% Mexican on my mother side. I’m proud of my coloring. I don’t speak Spanish or anything. She told us not to tell anybody.

  1. 92. All you want is money, so we’re taking it away!
  2. 93. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you drink. You can have one beer and still be an alcoholic. Yeah if you’re a mouse.
  3. 94. Why did I suddenly need intensive psychiatry after I asked to see the will?
  4. 95. We gave you a curfew, we wouldn’t let you date, we forced you to church, we disapproved of all your friends and you’re rebelling. Why?
  5. 96. I left a note on my bed. Mom, not going to school today. Went to the Colosseum to see The Rolling Stones. Will be home late. P.S. took the car. You were a bad boy. Yeah, some kids are. That's why there's treatment.
  6. 97. The program says you can’t have a bank account
  7. 98. I love all my children equally, you’re just the one I’m putting away.
  8. 99. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nuff said
  9. 100. A beating with a belt, because your Child needs to learn violence at the youngest age possible
  10. 101. We found pot in your room That’s what’s making you crazy. You’re getting a big Whooping!
  11. 102. My father beat me but I’m grateful for it. He taught me respect. What are you talking about officer? Respect for what? Now I don’t even trust you with a gun.
  12. 103. ...and this is the recreation room where you can have juice and cookies and watch a movie while you work out your troubles.
  13. 104. This is a good place. They'll help you quit the drinking and the pot. And just for you doing this we'll buy you a carton of cigarettes once a week.
  14. 105. When you have children of your own you’ll see why I’m doing this.
  15. 106. You’re spoiled! My father beat me even worse.
  16. 107. I don’t play favorites, but you’ll never be as good at that as Suzy.
  17. 108. What’s the difference between you and your son’s illness? I’m functional. My husband takes care of me.
  18. 109. The psychiatrist said I’m extremely sane after the multiple abuse I went through, but he didn’t have good things to say about treating you.
  19. 110. Our psychiatrist used to be a professional football player for the Bears. He got out of the game when he tackled a player and broke both his arms and legs. He didn’t realize how strong he was.
  20. 111. The food’s bad. The nurses are mean. The patients are psychotic. The medicine is too strong. You’re incarcerated. You complain about everything.
  21. 112. So we took away your car so you couldn’t get to your job, we cut you out of the trust fund, we cut your college funds, we wouldn’t help with rent when you were homeless. But not everybody gets the blessings you have.
  22. 113. I know they’re all convicts at the sober living, but they’re good people
  23. 114. Make the best of it! Does that hurt?
  24. 115. You weren’t serious about college. You were studying graphic design, web development and advertising. You were an art major. Your brother is studying Anthropology.
  25. 116. Honey, you're not seeing it. I really don't want to win this argument, but you've never seen it in person because you wouldn't. My mom makes fun of you when you're not around. She's not well. She's not like the Christian women you meet at the church.
  26. There’s nice people everywhere. It just depends on where you go.
  27. You’re. medication is blocking your contact with God.
  28. 117. The good jobs In my field were in LA county. So when they took the car I couldn’t get to them or an interview, just maybe McDonald’s and I won’t do that. But why think I’m’ better than just because I worked real hard and got a college education?
  29. If Acoholics Anonymous ever falls something will come to take it’s place. Let’s just hope it’
  30. Officer I’m being stalked,threatened and they said they got guns. Just go back to AA. You’ll do better when you quit drinking.
  31. In LA I met Charlie Sheen a couple times. I don’t think he’d remember me. Then again, I’m hard to forget.

Obsession is actually kind of nice because you’re thinking of somebody else and not yourself, unless you don’t have her permission.

My new book, Have You Taken Your Meds? has been suddenly removed from my blog. I don’t know if they took it down because it was too long or if it was declared obscene.

What if somebody reads your book and dies. Books do that?

  1. Yes, they talk about guns, but they made it sound more like a hobby.
  2. You have to have respect for an alcoholic like you have respect for a gun, but we’re. not a dangerous cult.

In college I got the highest grade in the class, Critical Thinkl, but I don’t argue a lot or cuss people out. That’s not in the rules of critical thinking.

 

 

  1. I usually call my writing process message in a bottle, but this one is a cry for help!

What do you want? Someone to rescue you? No I. just want to sit here

and suffer.

All great artists struggled with mental problems. The beautiful result is that you make fantastic art. The sad part is that you’re always gonna be insane. Now let’s say the Serenity Prayer.

AA has no doctors, professional or medical involvement of any kind. .They discourage it because it might make you drink.

You’re mother said you were in a coma for three days. People who can’t commit suicide are attention seekers. Whiner! Are you ready for the meeting?

The disease concept of alcoholism has never been proven. AIDS, cancer, leukemia, all the good ones have.

 

 

  1. 118. This is the social worker, he’ll be responsible for your housing, your treatment, your meals, your social security, your 12 step program, talk frequently with your family, your behavior at the group home, and your outpatient program. But if it doesn’t work out the social worker will have another place for you. He’s not a socialist though…
  2. 119. The sedatives don’t work when you have caffeine
  3. 120. Not all artists have to starve, just the ones with no talent or bad family.

I don’t want to burn the whole establishment down. I don’t think that would be constructive.

  1. At Sex Addicts Anonymous, make circles to decide for yourself which behaviors you can or can't do.
  2. 121. Too many people fail. Don’t try to do art for a living. Do outpatient.
  3. 122. LVN is a 13 month program and you become a psyche tech. And you get authority over all the psych patients.
  4. 123. You don’t need a degree or experience in psychology to run a board and care. I came from the Philippines where having mental illness is terribly shameful.
  5. 124. You have to be here at exactly six to eat your dinner. Tonight we’re having frozen burritos.
  6. 125. We don’t want you to work while you’re here because of your social security. Maybe get a job under the table. But I didn’t say that. Shhh!
  7. 126. Why do y ou want a woman to give you half oral sex and half vaginal sex? This is goals group.
  8. 127. I own IBM. I own Amazon. I own Microsoft. I own Bell Air. I own God. He’s on my payroll.
  9. 128. I have multiple personality disorder. That wasn’t me
  10. 129. They’re just like you.
  11. 130. They say we’re working towards going to school or getting a job, but everybody’s ignorant and unemployed.
  12. 131. And we give you a gym membership. Just sign up for the HMO
  13. 132. My counselor is ordered from the probation department. I’m not telling him anything.
  14. 133. You act like a caged animal. You’re not a caged animal. Now go back to your unit.
  15. 134. We all have our troubles
  16. 135. All in order. The state conservatorship trial. Can we hear from the family?
  17. 136. This is the last house on the block. That’s ok!
  18. 137. The help I need is a lawyer

Alcoholics Anonymous is so desperate to recruit they define alcoholism as anything. They say you can be a good family man, that you can have a successful career, a doctor, a CEO, a priest, you can have a P.H.D. Taking care of your mother... It doesn't matter how much or how little you drank??? How does that work???

That’s not true. It’s a disease that can affect anyone. What about all those famous people?

There’s no medical involvement at any time. They discourage it because it might make you drink.

I’m an acholic because I like the affect produced by alcohol. I don’t. I love the taste of Bud Light.

The scientists found a gene for alcoholism. It’s somehere on the 5th Chromosome on the third genome. I’m not a scientist, but in this case they’re right.

Mom’s lawyer just confiscated my medicine. She gave to him. I’ll try to get it back tonight. He’ll be at the meeting.

  1. 138. My mother asked for treatment from my therapist. Two sessions and I’m almost institutionalized.
  2. 139. I told the college intern I wanted to talk about something heavy. She said she could handle it. I told her about the jail  rape. She started screaming and bouncing around like Daffy Duck. She couldn’t handle it.
  3. 140. The psychologist is bound by law to keep secret everything I say. So I just fuck with him.
  4. 141. Why in the world would you come home with that horrible mentally ill woman? Because you put me in a mental institution.
  5. 142. We had your child put up for adoption because I didn’t want to have to take care of him. It was a tough decision
  6. 143. I know smoking is bad for you and you die, but I kind of want to die. You kill yourself one puff at a time. If you ever want to kill yourself just a little, you can always have a smoke.

One beer doesn’t do anything. You might as well have a Pepsi. Don’t risk relapse!

  1. 144. What led up to my conviction I was starving and  panhandling outside the am/pm for for food on my 50th birthday. Now her and my angry sister-in-law are saying I had food. They testified
  2. 145. The police said I would be charged with breaking and entering. I was convicted of felony strike residential burglary. I didn't steal anything. I just went into my mothers home without her permission. She also issued a restraining order for elder abuse.
  3. 146. I got three months served, three years probation, a felony on my record so I couldn't work and mental health.
  4. 147. On  my70th birthday, your sister took me to Paris. Look I have pictures!
  5. 148. I’m not bailing you out and I took away your money.
  6. 149. If you’re not crazy when you get here, you will be when you get out.
  7. 150. Why did you attempt suicide? Because the treatment made my life so good.

The AA big book is often referred to by the counselor in psychiatric group settings and of course it’s widely used in AA; That makes him, dual diagnosis.

I’m a meth and heroine junky. I only smoke pot when I ain’t got them. 

If you smoke pot that makes you an addict. Start going to NA

You learn more here than in college.

we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Well technically I’m not an alcoholic anymore. So I can write whatever the fuck I want!

 

 

  1. 151. Do you know why I’m trying to get you to shave, brush your teeth, do your hair and look better? Cause you’re gay?
  2. 152. All your problems are of your own making. Even your parents beating you,
  3. 153. In art group I’ve been working hard on art. This is a picture of you. That looks like a penis.
  4. 154. Draw an image that best describes you… Well it’s a puppet and it’s got strings and people pull them.
  5. 155. We don’t like him, but he’s gonna need more treatment.
  6. 156. Passive is giving up your coffee. Assertive is buying your coffee and letting others do the same. Aggressive is taking someone else’s coffee. Passive Aggressive is poisoning their coffee.
  7. 157. I know this is a slummy boarding building and you have no money, your family is abusive and you’ve lost everything, just take a few deep breaths, things are getting better.
  8. 158. Why are you standing here asking for money? Are you on  drugs? No, my family took my job then they made me see a psychiatrist and told him stuff about me and then they put me in a mental institution and… Here’s a buck!
  9. 159. Sensitive people won’t make this program, but we welcome everybody
  10. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Some people don’t know. Do know what you should look for to determine if you’re an acoholic? Empty bottles!
  11. 160. It’s just too hard on us to visit you all poor and desperate. Your mental illness is too depressing.
  12. 161. Tell me about your dreams. Scary
  13. 162. I Don’t need a psychiatrist or therapist like you. I just go to the family doctor and take one prozac and I’m fine.
  14. 163. Your sister has a good job and is very wealthy. So, she can drink a case of beer a day.
  15. For years I didn't know what I was taking. That's bad, because if you miss a dose, you don't know where to find it.
  16. Mom there's 12 containers. I don't know which ones to take?
  17. Just count to 12.
  18. 164. We told the doctor about your compulsive spending. You can’t have money. I can.
  19. 165. We want to take control of his finances. He’s not budgeting his government check.
  20. We're family members. We paid for this group.

If you had a bad relationship with your mother, your girlfriends will be the same. I’m fucked!

No, I’ve had girlfriends that weren’t like my mother and my mother didn’t like them.

On our way to Disneyland we stopped by my.family’s house, she sat on the couch and the family just stared at my date.

My brother-in-law was in Mensa and worked for NASA. He was always amazed that I could be bipolar and still be extremely intelligent. It takes a genius to figure that out.

Don’t artists only make it when their dead. I’m looking forward to it.

 

 

  1. 166. That abusive AA sponsor was good for you. We talked to him on the phone.

I've been clean and sober a couple decades, but I had a beer on New Year's Eve. So I had to start over. I didn't like the beer. It tastes bad. It tasted bad back then. I just wanted to be cool.

  1. 167. You’re playing a guilt trip on me. That’s impossible.
  2. 168. My biggest fear is that my paranoia is not an illusion
  3. 169. It doesn’t help to be right all the time. You can be wrong. Try being wrong one day at a time.
  4. 170. Mother, the medicine has been making my hand shake so bad I won’t be able to paint. I know but we want what’s best for you.
  5. 171. You fried your brain on drugs. I smoked pot in High School.
  6. 172. Then why didn’t you work? You put me in boarding homes and institutions. We weren’t allowed to work. They had a candy store in one. Me and Tracy ran it. They trusted us with the money.
  7. 173. He told the counselor that his father burned him with a cigarette and they reported it. What a thing to do!
  8. 174. It’s easy to explain the cigarette scar. He was fighting with him.
  9. 175. He doesn’t always hit me usually he just grabs me throws me on the ground puts my head down and forces my chest into the cement until I suffocate. He goes to parent groups
  10. 176. At the group they teach us that it's not our fault. They teach you that it's mine.
  11. 177. Dad I got back from AA today I just quit drinking and pot. WAIT! DAD! NO DAD NO! DAD NO! STOP DAD DAD DAD STOP NO!
  12. 178. The police asked me why you called them and not me.
  13. 179. You're different. Cops don't usually have sympathy. The word is empathy. That's where I learned the word empathy. I never heard it before.
  14. 180. Next they’ll be calling that child abuse
  15. 181. Mom, my lawyer says he’s representing you now.
  16. 182. Bankruptcy cases are simple. The lawyer takes all your money. Then he declares you bankrupt.
  17. 183. At AA they kept saying Bipolar Moment and laughing. I think that's mean. What if bipolar people said stuff like that about them? I just had an alcoholic moment. I peed on the lawn.
  18. 184. Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Nobody likes a victim. I spent ten years in prison. I don’t like victims.
  19. 185. I like Donald Trump. I didn't vote for him. Hell no! I just think he's cool. He's crazy, like me!
  20. 186. Sex is only for procreation, not just love
  21. 187. Children obey your parents… no matter what
  22. 188. Why do you like that angry depressing music?
  23. 189. Honor your mother and father but not yourself
  24. 190. My perfect place is the graveyard .
  25. 191. Hey! I got some terrible news at the clinic. Mom is pathological. We just found out!
  26. 192. There's no bound secrecy in AA. It's just an honor system. So if they have honor, you're good
  27. 193. I know you're my AA sponsor, but are you sure I should just use you and not the therapist because therapists don't know what they're doing?

I’m leaving the God argument out of this, because I don’t think cults really deal with God.

November 18, 1978 909 people including 304 children died in Jonestown, Guyana in a mass murder suicide led by their spiritual leader Jim Jones. Since then no laws were passed to regulate cult activity unless they break an ordinary law. In America, we have freedom of religion, but they may be bothered by what I say.

Where’s the Kool-Aid?

Don’t listen to him, he’s insane. Nothing. He says can be true.

  1. 194. Ok sponsor. I don’t agree with you on your conservative politics. But I do agree with you about Vietnam. After talking to you I realized what I learned about it was staunch and rigid and wrong. But we’ll have to split on AA

They’ve got a men’s meeting Alcoholics Anonymous and once a year they go out to the desert to teach the new men how to use guns. What could possible go wrong there

  1. If a person chizophrenia or biplolar they should have the option available to seek treatment for themselves.. It should not be forced. There gonna hear it from someone. No one becomes that mentally ill and is the last one to know,
  2. 195. My brain needed to be washed.
  3. 196. They said the marijuana didn’t cause my mental illness. They said it was.caused by you!
  4. 197. You're a brilliant artist. You're a genius. No, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to cook. Geniuses know everything.
  5. 198. Don't worry about that. That's. my 4th step. It's all over the place!
  6. 199. Your disease was your dysfunctional family. The jail rape was just a symptom.
  7. 200. e4th step stuff
  8. 201. I promise you I will never do that again and I will never take another drink in my life if I have to die first.

We are not a glum lot. Actually we have a lot of fun in AA. One time we went to the mountains and they read us the big book a lot.

We don’t take any booze, pot, pills, nothing that affects you from the neck up. How about a punch in the face?

  1. 202. When this Is all done, I'll either be rich or kill myself or both, but

I don’t want to drink and I make the effort not to, but I don’t worry about it. If it happens it happens. Kind of like an unplanned pregnancy.”

I'll go to a meeting first.

  1. I wanted to establish that the main character had become a garbled mess, so I used myself for reference.
  2. For research I sought help from people who were whacked out and unprofessional. So, I went to 12-step groups.

When I discovered my girlfriend was

14 years old, I hit the bottle. I felt guilty when I killed a man drunk driving that increased my drinking. But when I killed a man in a barfight, the judge exonerate me because I’m an upstanding member of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous, New York Central office. Yes, I have a question. If a woman is sexually assaulted or raped in AA What legal services do you offer? The Yellow Pages. My homegroup didn’t believe me.”

My drinking is really bad. It’s affecting my college and my modeling. Should I go to AA? Try to moderate.

I want to be famous for my art. I’ve put too much work into it.

  1. 203. The ideations started in Junior High. A girl at my school committed suicide. I thought it was cool.
  2. 1. I tried suicide after high school. I got a job at a grocery store. I wasn't popular. They didn't like me at all and were mean, sometimes threatening. They would act strange to confuse me. My dad got me that I met her in my early 40’s. I told her that I wanted to get old with her. Then we did."

I was hired on as a scab, then permanent.

Now, I go to a clinic on my own. They’re pretty good. Sometimes they fuck up, but when they fuck up, I just deal with it.

Your joking is a defense mechanism.”

Then tell me why I do it? I’m not a comedian. I don’t want to go on a stage somewhere in a night club, tell jokes and meet women.”

Why do you make such inappropriate jokes? I was a street musician on Venice Beach. I started writing serious songs and poems about the situation, but it didn’t work. Then I made funny songs with my guitar and funny jokes about my homelessness and they gathered. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Early on the other kids in AA talked me into going to an AA based rehab. It had a jacuzzi and they. Fed us steak and lobster. There was even talk of movie stars.I got drunk in there three times. Cost my dad’s insurance $60,000. H e but me on social security because he couldn’t afford my medical expenses. They were good about getting me the right meds.

When you get hit by a train, you get hit by the engine not the caboose. When I get hit, I it, it’s not the engine or the caboose. I get hit by the whole damn train.

We are not a glum lot. Actually AA is a lot of fun. One time we went on a retreat in the mountains and they read us the big book a lot

It’s a God of your understanding. One that you make up. Your Higher Power, ever member has one and we believe them all. What if my Higher Power gets in a fight with your Higher Power?

They had a party for me. A woman mailed in one of my books and they thought I was famous. They drugged me, a piece of paper in my coffee.They called it a happy card. Why would they do that?

It’s called grooming, something rapists do.

Why didn’t you tell anyone? I didn’t think they’d believe me.

  1. 2. Have you ever kissed or held a man? I had a couple relationships in LA, but none before or after. Do you consider yourself gay? No. Then why did you do it? That's what everyone was doing. When in Rome do as the Roman's. When in Hollywood be fabulous.
  2. 3. You want a loving caring mother and you’re never gonna get one. That hurts worse than the belt.
  3. 4. You're mother's pathological, there's no treatment for it. How long does she have?

Mom, last year I was raped in jail. Just let go of the past.

  1. 5. tell me what you see about your mother?
  2. 6. Sometimes I get this image of a beautiful Spanish woman holding me as a child.
  3. 7. I attempted suicide twenty times and failed. It's an interesting fact that when you attempt suicide twenty times and fail, they stop testing your sanity and start testing your competency.

I’m not gonna kill myself, I’m just gonna be miserable for a long time.

  1. 8. Have ever been intimate with a woman?
  2. 9. More than my fingers. Maybe toes too.
  3. 10. Do you have a girlfriend?
  4. 11. No just Luvy, That's what she calls herself she's my BBPFF best bipolar friends forever. The abbreviation's wrong. She came up with it. We say that because they don't like bipolar in AA. We go to meetings, groups, hangout...
  5. 12. How long has this been going on?
  6. 13. I think two years. We’re not boyfriend girlfriend. She’s only really kissed me once. AA is for people who want it and do it. Not for people who get forced into it. She started when her woman's group was real mean to her. She's real sensitive. She was crying and se told me she didn’t believe in God anymore. She's been drinking a lot lately. More than ever The disease is progressive. Mom doesn't like her and neither does AA. I met her in my early 40’s. I told her that I wanted to get old with her. Then we did."
  7. 14. Does your mother go to AA?
  8. 15. No she's not an alcoholic. She goes to Alanon.

Actually mom didn’t go to Alanon. She went to other groups that were based on Alanon. Alanon asked her for money. You know they have a hat that everybody puts a dollar if they want? But you’re really pressured to put in.

I never put any money in the AA basket. I figured I’d pay them when it works for me.

  1. 16. Do you go to AA? I hate it! I hate every minute of it with a cigarette break. The mock me, they harass me, they threaten me, they stalk me because I’m different because I’m not one of them and I’m never gonna be and the only way to be an alcoholic is to drink.

They don’t stalk me now, they don’t know what city I’m in. I had to get run out of town to get rid of them.

If I quit Alcoholics Anonymous or stop taking the meds, mom will get mad at me. I can't imagine what she'll do.

  1. 17. Where is Luvy now?
  2. 18. She's homeless. I wish I could help, but I can't. Mother makes fun of her. Mom doesn't work, she owns property. I think it was in the will.
  3. 19. You're not going to tell my mother?
  4. 20. No we have a strict privacy policy. We're bound by law. We can't even contact her unless you ask."
  5. 21. That's ok I won't!
  6. 22. I know what you've been through. Trust me. You're my client, not hers
  7. 23. How long is the therapy session? Because I can't be here too long. I gotta go plan my funeral.
  8. 24. That's the session. Hey why don't you give Luvy a call?"
  9. 25. Luvy! It's Dan. I know AA and my mother don't like you, but I do. You won't believe what I talked about in therapy, but first you gotta sign something.
  10. 26. I was coerced into seeing my mother's psychiatrist when I was 16. I'm not really sure why. He didn't seem to know what he was doing, but I couldn't tell. I was a scared boy. I thought he could read my mind. He wanted to prescribe me something that was a major tranquilizer. I don't know why. I said no. I started questioning my sanity. His latest kick was that he was interested in AA. They kicked him out. So of course he sent me there and I didn't have a choice. I didn't really drink, I smoked pot and it was far less potent back then. He told my mother I had to go, living at home I had no choice. I called AA and they sent me to a young people'e meeting. I went there and I hated it. I told my mother it was only on Sunday. Eventually I got out of going. When I turned 21 I drank a bit. One weekend evening I wanted to go out, but I had no money so I went to AA. My parents didn't even know I drank. They love bombed me. They had harsh insane funny stories about getting trashed beyond reason and really sick things. They made it sound cool. I didn't drink that much, So I learned to. That started it, the real problem. I became a worse drinker going to AA than I could imagine
  11. 27. There is no good reason to drink. If you can find a legitimately good reason. I'll have one with you. Wait! Ths L.A. Raiders cheerleaders just invited us to their party!

Therapists don’t prescribe medication. He just talks to me and listen to me. Not a lot of people do that ya know. We did mock interviews I got a job and and car. I still get the suicidal stuff but as I get older it doesn’t matter as much. I had nice art show at a pretty good gallery. I painted famous people with mental illness. The idea was to show people we're not that bad. Luvy found a program to moderate her drinking and every now and then we have a cocktail to get in the mood. Dad died of cancer and mom lived well into her 90s. I didn’t go to therapy for it. It was easy grieving.

For those who are concerned. The pharmacy didn't mail my psyche meds for the month and since about seven days ago I have had none. I've been in a contantly growing episode this whole time. That might explain the weird posts and the psychotic book I've been publishing online. I couldn't get to the pharmacy because it is too far away and I am still learning how to drive. I've arranged transportation to get there and get my meds tomorrow, also some counseling. It should only be two or three days before I'm stabilized and well. I also have about a month to find a new home. I'm going to try hard to stay off the internet. I still like the book and will set it aside for illustration and publishing. But I'm going find and editor and I’m going to edit the Hell out thing first. Will try to stay quiet and stay away till I'm well again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. 223. Mom, don't tell me to get over it, but I've had a hard life.

We’re so happy you got clean and sober. We’re gonna have some beers now.

  1. 224. This book has been illustrated as picture book for the abusive parents who are slow readers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Following that I worked as a teller for a bank for about a year. I hadn’t really had any symptoms yet. Things started freaking out. They said I was throwing the money at the customers. There was a lot of stress. The bank insurance paid for a two week. psychiatric hospital visit. I was put on medicine and started to think clearly. My mother told my job what happened. Two days after returning to work I was fired. I left the bank in 1985. The American Disabilities Act was passed in 1990

Now, I go to a clinic on my own. They’re pretty good. Sometimes they fuck up, but when they fuck up, I just deal with it.

I want to report my therapist for unethical behavior. He looks at me mean and says things I don’t like.

 

  1. 224. 2. Have you ever kissed or held a man? I had a couple relationships in LA, but none before or after. Do you consider yourself gay? No. Then why did you do it? That's what everyone was doing. When in Rome do as the Roman's. When in Hollywood be fabulous.
  2. 225. 3. You want a loving caring mother and you’re never gonna get one. That hurts worse than the belt.
  3. 226. 4. You're mother's pathological, there's no treatment for it. How long does she have?
  4. 227. 5. tell me what you see about your mother?
  5. 228. 6. Sometimes I get this image of a beautiful Spanish woman holding me as sa child and I’ve always loved the Mexican in me.
  6. 229. 7. I attempted suicide twenty times and failed. It's an interesting fact that when you attempt suicide twenty times and fail, they stop testing your sanity and start testing your competency.
  7. 230. 8. Have ever been intimate with a woman?
  8. 231. 9. More than my fingers. Maybe toes too.
  9. 232. 10. Do you have a girlfriend?
  10. 233. 11. No just Luvy, That's what she calls herself she's my BBPFF best bipolar friends forever. The abbreviation's wrong. She came up with it. We say that because they don't like bipolar in AA. We go to meetings, groups, hangout...
  11. 234. 12. How long has this been going on?
  12. 235. 13. I think two years. We've never really kissed or anything, but she tried to sleep with me when she was drunk. I didn't think it was the right thing to do. She's been drinking a lot lately. More than ever. The disease is progressive. She didn't work a program. AA is for people who want it and do it. Not for people who get forced into it. She started when her woman's group was real mean to her. She's real sensitive. Mom doesn't like her and neither does AA."
  13. 236. 14. Does your mother go to AA?
  14. 237. 15. No she's not an alcoholic. She goes to Alanon.
  15. 238. 16. What about you? I hate it! I hate every minute of it with a cigarette break. The mock me, they harass me, they threaten me, they stalk me because I’m different because I’m not one of them and I’m never gonna be and the only way to be an alcoholic is to drink.”

If I quit Alcoholics Anonymous or stop taking the meds, mom will get mad at me. I can't imagine what she'll do.

  1. 239. 17. Where is Luvy now?
  2. 240. 18. She's homeless. I wish I could help, but I can't. Mother makes fun of her. Mom doesn't work, she owns property. I think it was in the will.
  3. 241. 19. You're not going to tell my mother?
  4. 242. 20. No we have a strict privacy policy. We're bound by law. We can't even contact her unless you ask."
  5. 243. 21. That's ok I won't!
  6. 244. 22. I know what you've been through. Trust me. You're my client, not hers
  7. 245. 23. How long is the therapy session? Because I can't be here too long. I gotta go plan my funeral.
  8. 246. 24. That's the session. Hey why don't you give Luvy a call?"
  9. 247. 25. Luvy! It's Dan. I know AA and my mother don't like you, but I do. You won't believe what I talked about in therapy, but first you gotta sign something.
  10. 248. 26. I was coerced into seeing my mother's psychiatrist when I was 16. I'm not really sure why. He didn't seem to know what he was doing, but I couldn't tell. I was a scared boy. I thought he could read my mind. He wanted to prescribe me something that was a major tranquilizer. I don't know why. I said no. I started questioning my sanity. His latest kick was that he was interested in AA. They kicked him out. So of course he sent me there and I didn't have a choice. I didn't really drink, I smoked pot and it was far less potent back then. He told my mother I had to go, living at home I had no choice. I called AA and they sent me to a young people'e meeting. I went there and I hated it. I told my mother it was only on Sunday. Eventually I got out of going. When I turned 21 I drank a bit. One weekend evening I wanted to go out, but I had no money so I went to AA. My parents didn't even know I drank. They love bombed me. They had harsh insane funny stories about getting trashed beyond reason. They made it sound cool. I didn't drink that much, So I learned to. That started it, the real problem. I became a worse drinker going to AA than I could imagine
  11. 27. There is no good reason to drink. If you can find a legitimately good reason. I'll have one with you. Wait! Ths L.A. Raiders cheerleaders just invited us to their party!

Therapists don’t prescribe medication. He just talks to me and listen to me. Not a lot of people do that ya know. We did mock interviews I got a job and and car. I still get the suicidal stuff but as I get older it becomes far less important I had nice art show at a pretty good gallery. I painted famous people with mental illness. The idea was to show people we're not that bad. Luvy found a program to moderate her drinking and every now and then we have a cocktail to get in the mood. Dad died of cancer and mom lived well into her 90s. I didn’t go to therapy for it. It was easy grieving.

  1. 223. Mom, don't tell me to get over it, but I've had a hard life.
  2. 224. This book has been illustrated as picture book for the abusive parents who are slow readers.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  1. 1.  ©Dan Joyce 2021

 

The following story is for entertainment only

Although it is based on the truth of my life

Remember, I am not a psychologist

And this is not a prescription for anything

It is simply one case study

But I fear there may be more

 

Have You Taken Your Meds?

 

  1. 1. Have you taken your meds?
  2. 2. You’re lazy You don’t do enough for me
  3. 3. We’re getting you the help you need
  4. 4. You’re on the wrong meds or not taking them right
  5. 5. You need more mental health treatment
  6. 6. You’re taking in too much sugar, caffeine, red meat, Cheetos…
  7. 7. Don’t use your illness as an excuse
  8. 8. I will help you
  9. 9. God will cure you
  10. 10. People are uncomfortable with you
  11. 11. Psychos kill people
  12. 12. Get help!
  13. 13. It’s all in your head
  14. 14. Don’t take the medicine it’s bad
  15. 15. You don’t need that doctor/therapist
  16. 16. You’re perfectly fine
  17. 17. This or that thing I don’t like about you is your illness
  18. 18. Just get a job, a car, a house and a mortgage and you won’t have stress
  19. 19. I’ve just got a few things I want you to change
  20. 20. Don’t listen to your counselor, listen to me
  21. 21. You are the problem with the family
  22. 22. It’s your problem, you deal with it
  23. 23. You’re cheating the government for money
  24. 24. I work!
  25. 25. You’re smart enough to figure this out for yourself
  26. 26. If you attempt suicide and fail you’re seeking attention
  27. 27. You’re a vegetable
  28. 28. Why can’t you find the right man/woman?
  29. 29. Your friends made you like this
  30. 30. Child abuse has nothing to do with mental illness
  31. 31. There’s no such thing as normal, we’re all a little crazy
  32. 32. This is because of the pot you smoked
  33. 33. You need tough love! Go live on the streets!
  34. 34. Living here will help you and not just get you away from us
  35. 35. I don’t have what you have
  36. 36. My psychiatrist says you have the problem

You’re gonna love me whether you like it or not

Let me give you something cry about

  1. 37. Aren’t all families dysfunctional
  2. 38. I can show you how to be normal
  3. 39. Your diagnosis is just a label
  4. 40. If you think you’re crazy you’ll be crazy
  5. 41. This is an act or a game
  6. 42. Doctors are all drug dealer
  7. 43. Just forget about your traumatic past
  8. 44. I’m going to give therapy to your parents now
  9. 45. Why is social security on your job application?
  10. 46. I wish I could go to college on government money
  11. 47. They may seem slow but they’re part of our group
  12. 48. If you went to the gym you wouldn’t have schizophrenia
  13. I ll give you an example. The parents take their son to a psychiatrist and constantly tell him that the boy is not cleaning his room. But what is that a sypmtom of? Bipolar? Schizophrenia, Depression. No! The kid’s just messy!
  14. 49. Don’t go 5150 on me

You always come home from Catholic school crying. Toughen up!

All the teacher did was put her hands down.my pants. It was to tuck in my shirt. I. didn’t like it. I hope it was good for her.

  1. 50. I think my girlfriend is bipolar
  2. 51. Marijuana and alcohol are harmful drugs. Cigarettes and coffee aren’t.
  3. 52. What are the voices saying?
  4. 53. There’s a fine line between genius and insanity, guess which side you’re on
  5. 54. Let me teach you logic
  6. 55. Everybody has a little bit wrong with them, but some people have a lot
  7. 56. Can’t we force it on him a little?
  8. 57. What legal resources are therapeutic?
  9. 58. We want you to apologize to all the people who have wronged you.
  10. The big book is 164 pages long. War and Peace is only 1296.
  11. 59. I had a driink, I lost my soul, turned into a donkey and started running around with Pinocchio!
  12. 60. We weren’t sure if you needed more acute treatment, so we talked to your parents
  13. 61. My doctor says art and philosophy are bad for your mental health. You need religion and conservative politics
  14. 62. You’re going to put me in the poorhouse. Now go back to your group home.
  15. 63. I have the common cold of mental illness. You are very sick.

Mom’s shrink is teaching her about something called Tough Love.

  1. 64. There’s nothing in the will for you. You need mental health treatment.
  2. 65. So you went to college and fed yourself. You’re cheating the system,
  3. 66. We’re not giving you your inheritance. We’re gonna let go with love.
  4. 67. You’re too ill to handle decent living conditions.
  5. 68. We asked your doctor if you were pathological
  6. 69. We did the best we could. We can’t help it if that was fucked up!
  7. 70. We think homelessness will cure his alcoholism and mental health.
  8. 71. Sometimes you have to hit your child.
  9. 72. They thought abuse caused mental illness, but that just made the parents feel guilty.
  10. 73. You don’t need a job, an apartment or a girlfriend. You’re getting mental health.
  11. 74. Outpatient is like having a job.
  12. 75. The doctor said I’m the best patient he’s ever had. You’re not!
  13. 76. I have love hate feelings for my son. He’s such a handsome boy, but what a fuck up!
  14. 77. You’ll never be able to do as much.
  15. 78. I never needed a college degree. I sponsored guys in AA for 10 years.
  16. 79. We’re not forcing you to do anything. It’s my house you’ll do what I say.
  17. 80. You’re a grown man you can take care of yourself. Now treat your sickness.
  18. 81. We told your therapist we never hit you.
  19. 82. You’re a bad person.
  20. 83. Don’t you want to be free and independent? Now take your medicine.
  21. 84. You take meds? We've saved a seat for you over here on the group W bench.
  22. 85. Why do you go to outpatient on such a short bus?
  23. 86. I couldn’t handle having a huge family. There was stress, I felt overloaded. So, I hit you.
  24. 87. We weren’t abusive. It’s all in your head. Take your meds. Talk to your therapist. If you don’t. We will.
  25. 88. Isn’t the sign of maturity when you stop blaming your parents? No, it’s when they stop doing shit.
  26. 89. I was badly abused as a child. So what I’m doing to you isn’t really the same thing.
  27. 90. The doctor says my mother is pathological. They’re having a session to discuss what to do with me.
  28. 91. They say your mental illness is hereditary. But we don’t know where it came from.

I’m 50% Mexican on my mother side. I’m proud of my coloring. I don’t speak Spanish or anything. She told us not to tell anybody.

  1. 92. All you want is money, so we’re taking it away!
  2. 93. It doesn’t matter how much or how little you drink. You can have one beer and still be an alcoholic. Yeah if you’re a mouse.
  3. 94. Why did I suddenly need intensive psychiatry after I asked to see the will?
  4. 95. We gave you a curfew, we wouldn’t let you date, we forced you to church, we disapproved of all your friends and you’re rebelling. Why?
  5. 96. I left a note on my bed. Mom, not going to school today. Went to the Colosseum to see The Rolling Stones. Will be home late. P.S. took the car. You were a bad boy. Yeah, some kids are. That's why there's treatment.
  6. 97. The program says you can’t have a bank account
  7. 98. I love all my children equally, you’re just the one I’m putting away.
  8. 99. Spare the rod and spoil the child. Nuff said
  9. 100. A beating with a belt, because your Child needs to learn violence at the youngest age possible
  10. 101. We found pot in your room That’s what’s making you crazy. You’re getting a big Whooping!
  11. 102. My father beat me but I’m grateful for it. He taught me respect. What are you talking about officer? Respect for what? Now I don’t even trust you with a gun.
  12. 103. ...and this is the recreation room where you can have juice and cookies and watch a movie while you work out your troubles.
  13. 104. This is a good place. They'll help you quit the drinking and the pot. And just for you doing this we'll buy you a carton of cigarettes once a week.
  14. 105. When you have children of your own you’ll see why I’m doing this.
  15. 106. You’re spoiled! My father beat me even worse.
  16. 107. I don’t play favorites, but you’ll never be as good at that as Suzy.
  17. 108. What’s the difference between you and your son’s illness? I’m functional. My husband takes care of me.
  18. 109. The psychiatrist said I’m extremely sane after the multiple abuse I went through, but he didn’t have good things to say about treating you.
  19. 110. Our psychiatrist used to be a professional football player for the Bears. He got out of the game when he tackled a player and broke both his arms and legs. He didn’t realize how strong he was.
  20. 111. The food’s bad. The nurses are mean. The patients are psychotic. The medicine is too strong. You’re incarcerated. You complain about everything.
  21. 112. So we took away your car so you couldn’t get to your job, we cut you out of the trust fund, we cut your college funds, we wouldn’t help with rent when you were homeless. But not everybody gets the blessings you have.
  22. 113. I know they’re all convicts at the sober living, but they’re good people
  23. 114. Make the best of it! Does that hurt?
  24. 115. You weren’t serious about college. You were studying graphic design, web development and advertising. You were an art major. Your brother is studying Anthropology.
  25. 116. Honey, you're not seeing it. I really don't want to win this argument, but you've never seen it in person because you wouldn't. My mom makes fun of you when you're not around. She's not well. She's not like the Christian women you meet at the church.
  26. There’s nice people everywhere. It just depends on where you go.
  27. You’re. medication is blocking your contact with God.
  28. 117. The good jobs In my field were in LA county. So when they took the car I couldn’t get to them or an interview, just maybe McDonald’s and I won’t do that. But why think I’m’ better than just because I worked real hard and got a college education?
  29. If Acoholics Anonymous ever falls something will come to take it’s place. Let’s just hope it’
  30. Officer I’m being stalked,threatened and they said they got guns. Just go back to AA. You’ll do better when you quit drinking.
  31. In LA I met Charlie Sheen a couple times. I don’t think he’d remember me. Then again, I’m hard to forget.

Obsession is actually kind of nice because you’re thinking of somebody else and not yourself, unless you don’t have her permission.

My new book, Have You Taken Your Meds? has been suddenly removed from my blog. I don’t know if they took it down because it was too long or if it was declared obscene.

What if somebody reads your book and dies. Books do that?

  1. Yes, they talk about guns, but they made it sound more like a hobby.
  2. You have to have respect for an alcoholic like you have respect for a gun, but we’re. not a dangerous cult.

In college I got the highest grade in the class, Critical Thinkl, but I don’t argue a lot or cuss people out. That’s not in the rules of critical thinking.

 

 

  1. I usually call my writing process message in a bottle, but this one is a cry for help!

What do you want? Someone to rescue you? No I. just want to sit here

and suffer.

All great artists struggled with mental problems. The beautiful result is that you make fantastic art. The sad part is that you’re always gonna be insane. Now let’s say the Serenity Prayer.

AA has no doctors, professional or medical involvement of any kind. .They discourage it because it might make you drink.

You’re mother said you were in a coma for three days. People who can’t commit suicide are attention seekers. Whiner! Are you ready for the meeting?

The disease concept of alcoholism has never been proven. AIDS, cancer, leukemia, all the good ones have.

 

 

  1. 118. This is the social worker, he’ll be responsible for your housing, your treatment, your meals, your social security, your 12 step program, talk frequently with your family, your behavior at the group home, and your outpatient program. But if it doesn’t work out the social worker will have another place for you. He’s not a socialist though…
  2. 119. The sedatives don’t work when you have caffeine
  3. 120. Not all artists have to starve, just the ones with no talent or bad family.

I don’t want to burn the whole establishment down. I don’t think that would be constructive.

  1. At Sex Addicts Anonymous, make circles to decide for yourself which behaviors you can or can't do.
  2. 121. Too many people fail. Don’t try to do art for a living. Do outpatient.
  3. 122. LVN is a 13 month program and you become a psyche tech. And you get authority over all the psych patients.
  4. 123. You don’t need a degree or experience in psychology to run a board and care. I came from the Philippines where having mental illness is terribly shameful.
  5. 124. You have to be here at exactly six to eat your dinner. Tonight we’re having frozen burritos.
  6. 125. We don’t want you to work while you’re here because of your social security. Maybe get a job under the table. But I didn’t say that. Shhh!
  7. 126. Why do y ou want a woman to give you half oral sex and half vaginal sex? This is goals group.
  8. 127. I own IBM. I own Amazon. I own Microsoft. I own Bell Air. I own God. He’s on my payroll.
  9. 128. I have multiple personality disorder. That wasn’t me
  10. 129. They’re just like you.
  11. 130. They say we’re working towards going to school or getting a job, but everybody’s ignorant and unemployed.
  12. 131. And we give you a gym membership. Just sign up for the HMO
  13. 132. My counselor is ordered from the probation department. I’m not telling him anything.
  14. 133. You act like a caged animal. You’re not a caged animal. Now go back to your unit.
  15. 134. We all have our troubles
  16. 135. All in order. The state conservatorship trial. Can we hear from the family?
  17. 136. This is the last house on the block. That’s ok!
  18. 137. The help I need is a lawyer

Alcoholics Anonymous is so desperate to recruit they define alcoholism as anything. They say you can be a good family man, that you can have a successful career, a doctor, a CEO, a priest, you can have a P.H.D. Taking care of your mother... It doesn't matter how much or how little you drank??? How does that work???

That’s not true. It’s a disease that can affect anyone. What about all those famous people?

There’s no medical involvement at any time. They discourage it because it might make you drink.

I’m an acholic because I like the affect produced by alcohol. I don’t. I love the taste of Bud Light.

Every alcoholic has a book in them if they could just find the pen. I guess I found it.

The scientists found a gene for alcoholism. It’s somehere on the 5th Chromosome on the third genome. I’m not a scientist, but in this case they’re right.

Mom’s lawyer just confiscated my medicine. She gave to him. I’ll try to get it back tonight. He’ll be at the meeting.

I had the drink and the drink took me and took me to a meeting and some old guy took me out.

  1. 138. My mother asked for treatment from my therapist. Two sessions and I’m almost institutionalized.
  2. 139. I told the college intern I wanted to talk about something heavy. She said she could handle it. I told her about the jail  rape. She started screaming and bouncing around like Daffy Duck. She couldn’t handle it.
  3. 140. The psychologist is bound by law to keep secret everything I say. So I just fuck with him.
  4. 141. Why in the world would you come home with that horrible mentally ill woman? Because you put me in a mental institution.
  5. 142. We had your child put up for adoption because I didn’t want to have to take care of him. It was a tough decision
  6. 143. I know smoking is bad for you and you die, but I kind of want to die. You kill yourself one puff at a time. If you ever want to kill yourself just a little, you can always have a smoke.

One beer doesn’t do anything. You might as well have a Pepsi. Don’t risk relapse!

  1. 144. What led up to my conviction I was starving and  panhandling outside the am/pm for for food on my 50th birthday. Now her and my angry sister-in-law are saying I had food. They testified
  2. 145. The police said I would be charged with breaking and entering. I was convicted of felony strike residential burglary. I didn't steal anything. I just went into my mothers home without her permission. She also issued a restraining order for elder abuse.
  3. 146. I got three months served, three years probation, a felony on my record so I couldn't work and mental health.
  4. 147. On  my70th birthday, your sister took me to Paris. Look I have pictures!
  5. 148. I’m not bailing you out and I took away your money.
  6. 149. If you’re not crazy when you get here, you will be when you get out.
  7. 150. Why did you attempt suicide? Because the treatment made my life so good.

The AA big book is often referred to by the counselor in psychiatric group settings and of course it’s widely used in AA; That makes him, dual diagnosis.

I’m a meth and heroine junky. I only smoke pot when I ain’t got them. 

If you smoke pot that makes you an addict. Start going to NA

You learn more here than in college.

we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films. Well technically I’m not an alcoholic anymore. So I can write whatever the fuck I want!

 

 

  1. 151. Do you know why I’m trying to get you to shave, brush your teeth, do your hair and look better? Cause you’re gay?
  2. 152. All your problems are of your own making. Even your parents beating you,
  3. 153. In art group I’ve been working hard on art. This is a picture of you. That looks like a penis.
  4. 154. Draw an image that best describes you… Well it’s a puppet and it’s got strings and people pull them.
  5. 155. We don’t like him, but he’s gonna need more treatment.
  6. 156. Passive is giving up your coffee. Assertive is buying your coffee and letting others do the same. Aggressive is taking someone else’s coffee. Passive Aggressive is poisoning their coffee.
  7. 157. I know this is a slummy boarding building and you have no money, your family is abusive and you’ve lost everything, just take a few deep breaths, things are getting better.
  8. 158. Why are you standing here asking for money? Are you on  drugs? No, my family took my job then they made me see a psychiatrist and told him stuff about me and then they put me in a mental institution and… Here’s a buck!
  9. 159. Sensitive people won’t make this program, but we welcome everybody
  10. Denial is not a river in Egypt. Some people don’t know. Do know what you should look for to determine if you’re an alcoholic? Empty bottles!
  11. 160. It’s just too hard on us to visit you all poor and desperate. Your mental illness is too depressing.
  12. 161. Tell me about your dreams. Scary
  13. 162. I Don’t need a psychiatrist or therapist like you. I just go to the family doctor and take one prozac and I’m fine.
  14. 163. Your sister has a good job and is very wealthy. So, she can drink a case of beer a day.
  15. For years I didn't know what I was taking. That's bad, because if you miss a dose, you don't know where to find it.
  16. Mom there's 12 containers. I don't know which ones to take?
  17. Just count to 12.
  18. 164. We told the doctor about your compulsive spending. You can’t have money. I can.
  19. 165. We want to take control of his finances. He’s not budgeting his government check.
  20. We're family members. We paid for this group.

If you had a bad relationship with your mother, your girlfriends will be the same. I’m fucked!

No, I’ve had girlfriends that weren’t like my mother and my mother didn’t like them.

On our way to Disneyland we stopped by my.family’s house, she sat on the couch and the family just stared at my date.

My brother-in-law was in Mensa and worked for NASA. He was always amazed that I could be bipolar and still be extremely intelligent. It takes a genius to figure that out.

Don’t artists only make it when their dead. I’m looking forward to it.

 

 

  1. 166. That abusive AA sponsor was good for you. We talked to him on the phone.

I've been clean and sober a couple decades, but I had a beer on New Year's Eve. So I had to start over. I didn't like the beer. It tastes bad. It tasted bad back then. I just wanted to be cool.

  1. 167. You’re playing a guilt trip on me. That’s impossible.
  2. 168. My biggest fear is that my paranoia is not an illusion
  3. 169. It doesn’t help to be right all the time. You can be wrong. Try being wrong one day at a time.
  4. 170. Mother, the medicine has been making my hand shake so bad I won’t be able to paint. I know but we want what’s best for you.
  5. 171. You fried your brain on drugs. I smoked pot in High School.
  6. 172. Then why didn’t you work? You put me in boarding homes and institutions. We weren’t allowed to work. They had a candy store in one. Me and Tracy ran it. They trusted us with the money.
  7. 173. He told the counselor that his father burned him with a cigarette and they reported it. What a thing to do!
  8. 174. It’s easy to explain the cigarette scar. He was fighting with him.
  9. 175. He doesn’t always hit me usually he just grabs me throws me on the ground puts my head down and forces my chest into the cement until I suffocate. He goes to parent groups
  10. 176. At the group they teach us that it's not our fault. They teach you that it's mine.
  11. 177. Dad I got back from AA today I just quit drinking and pot. WAIT! DAD! NO DAD NO! DAD NO! STOP DAD DAD DAD STOP NO!
  12. 178. The police asked me why you called them and not me.
  13. 179. You're different. Cops don't usually have sympathy. The word is empathy. That's where I learned the word empathy. I never heard it before.
  14. 180. Next they’ll be calling that child abuse
  15. 181. Mom, my lawyer says he’s representing you now.
  16. 182. Bankruptcy cases are simple. The lawyer takes all your money. Then he declares you bankrupt.
  17. 183. At AA they kept saying Bipolar Moment and laughing. I think that's mean. What if bipolar people said stuff like that about them? I just had an alcoholic moment. I peed on the lawn.
  18. 184. Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Nobody likes a victim. I spent ten years in prison. I don’t like victims.
  19. 185. I like Donald Trump. I didn't vote for him. Hell no! I just think he's cool. He's crazy, like me!
  20. 186. Sex is only for procreation, not just love
  21. 187. Children obey your parents… no matter what
  22. 188. Why do you like that angry depressing music?
  23. 189. Honor your mother and father but not yourself
  24. 190. My perfect place is the graveyard .
  25. 191. Hey! I got some terrible news at the clinic. Mom is pathological. We just found out!
  26. 192. There's no bound secrecy in AA. It's just an honor system. So if they have honor, you're good
  27. 193. I know you're my AA sponsor, but are you sure I should just use you and not the therapist because therapists don't know what they're doing?

I’m leaving the God argument out of this, because I don’t think cults really deal with God.

November 18, 1978 909 people including 304 children died in Jonestown, Guyana in a mass murder suicide led by their spiritual leader Jim Jones. Since then no laws were passed to regulate cult activity unless they break an ordinary law. In America, we have freedom of religion, but they may be bothered by what I say.

Where’s the Kool-Aid?

Don’t listen to him, he’s insane. Nothing. He says can be true.

  1. 194. Ok sponsor. I don’t agree with you on your conservative politics. But I do agree with you about Vietnam. After talking to you I realized what I learned about it was staunch and rigid and wrong. But we’ll have to split on AA

They’ve got a men’s meeting Alcoholics Anonymous and once a year they go out to the desert to teach the new men how to use guns. What could possible go wrong there

  1. If a person chizophrenia or biplolar they should have the option available to seek treatment for themselves.. It should not be forced. There gonna hear it from someone. No one becomes that mentally ill and is the last one to know,
  2. 195. My brain needed to be washed.
  3. 196. They said the marijuana didn’t cause my mental illness. They said it was.caused by you!
  4. 197. You're a brilliant artist. You're a genius. No, I don't know how to do laundry, I don't know how to cook. Geniuses know everything.
  5. 198. Don't worry about that. That's. my 4th step. It's all over the place!
  6. 199. Your disease was your dysfunctional family. The jail rape was just a symptom.
  7. 200. e4th step stuff
  8. 201. I promise you I will never do that again and I will never take another drink in my life if I have to die first.

We are not a glum lot. Actually we have a lot of fun in AA. One time we went to the mountains and they read us the big book a lot.

  1. 202. When this Is all done, I'll either be rich or kill myself or both, but

I don’t want to drink and I make the effort not to, but I don’t worry about it. If it happens it happens. Kind of like an unplanned pregnancy.”

I'll go to a meeting first.

  1. I wanted to establish that the main character had become a garbled mess, so I used myself for reference.
  2. For research I sought help from people who were whacked out and unprofessional. So, I went to 12-step groups.

When I discovered my girlfriend was

14 years old, I hit the bottle. I felt guilty when I killed a man drunk driving that increased my drinking. But when I killed a man in a barfight, the judge exonerate me because I’m an upstanding member of Alcholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous, New York Central office. Yes, I have a question. If a woman is sexually assaulted or raped in AA What legal services do you offer? The Yellow Pages. My homegroup didn’t believe me.”

My drinking is really bad. It’s affecting my college and my modeling. Should I go to AA? Try to moderate.

I want to be famous for my art. I’ve put too much work into it.

  1. 203. The ideations started in Junior High. A girl at my school committed suicide. I thought it was cool.
  2. 1. I tried suicide after high school. I got a job at a grocery store. I wasn't popular. They didn't like me at all and were mean, sometimes threatening. They would act strange to confuse me. My dad got me that I met her in my early 40’s. I told her that I wanted to get old with her. Then we did."

I was hired on as a scab, then permanent.

Now, I go to a clinic on my own. They’re pretty good. Sometimes they fuck up, but when they fuck up, I just deal with it.

Your joking is a defense mechanism.”

Then tell me why I do it? I’m not a comedian. I don’t want to go on a stage somewhere in a night club, tell jokes and meet women.”

Why do you make such inappropriate jokes? I was a street musician on Venice Beach. I started writing serious songs and poems about the situation, but it didn’t work. Then I made funny songs with my guitar and funny jokes about my homelessness and they gathered. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

Early on the other kids in AA talked me into going to an AA based rehab. It had a jacuzzi and they. Fed us steak and lobster. There was even talk of movie stars.I got drunk in there three times. Cost my dad’s insurance $60,000. H e but me on social security because he couldn’t afford my medical expenses. They were good about getting me the right meds.

When you get hit by a train, you get hit by the engine not the caboose. When I get hit, I it, it’s not the engine or the caboose. I get hit by the whole damn train.

We are not a glum lot. Actually AA is a lot of fun. One time we went on a retreat in the mountains and they read us the big book a lot

It’s a God of your understanding. One that you make up. Your Higher Power, ever member has one and we believe them all. What if my Higher Power gets in a fight with your Higher Power?

They had a party for me. A woman mailed in one of my books and they thought I was famous. They drugged me, a piece of paper in my coffee.They called it a happy card. Why would they do that?

It’s called grooming, something rapists do.

Why didn’t you tell anyone? I didn’t think they’d believe me.

  1. 2. Have you ever kissed or held a man? I had a couple relationships in LA, but none before or after. Do you consider yourself gay? No. Then why did you do it? That's what everyone was doing. When in Rome do as the Roman's. When in Hollywood be fabulous.
  2. 3. You want a loving caring mother and you’re never gonna get one. That hurts worse than the belt.
  3. 4. You're mother's pathological, there's no treatment for it. How long does she have?

Mom, last year I was raped in jail. Just let go of the past.

  1. 5. tell me what you see about your mother?
  2. 6. Sometimes I get this image of a beautiful Spanish woman holding me as a child.
  3. 7. I attempted suicide twenty times and failed. It's an interesting fact that when you attempt suicide twenty times and fail, they stop testing your sanity and start testing your competency.

I’m not gonna kill myself, I’m just gonna be miserable for a long time.

  1. 8. Have ever been intimate with a woman?
  2. 9. More than my fingers. Maybe toes too.
  3. 10. Do you have a girlfriend?
  4. 11. No just Luvy, That's what she calls herself she's my BBPFF best bipolar friends forever. The abbreviation's wrong. She came up with it. We say that because they don't like bipolar in AA. We go to meetings, groups, hangout...
  5. 12. How long has this been going on?
  6. 13. I think two years. We’re not boyfriend girlfriend. She’s only really kissed me once. AA is for people who want it and do it. Not for people who get forced into it. She started when her woman's group was real mean to her. She's real sensitive. She was crying and se told me she didn’t believe in God anymore. She's been drinking a lot lately. More than ever The disease is progressive. Mom doesn't like her and neither does AA. I met her in my early 40’s. I told her that I wanted to get old with her. Then we did."
  7. 14. Does your mother go to AA?
  8. 15. No she's not an alcoholic. She goes to Alanon.

Actually mom didn’t go to Alanon. She went to other groups that were based on Alanon. Alanon asked her for money. You know they have a hat that everybody puts a dollar if they want? But you’re really pressured to put in.

I never put any money in the AA basket. I figured I’d pay them when it works for me.

  1. 16. Do you go to AA? I hate it! I hate every minute of it with a cigarette break. The mock me, they harass me, they threaten me, they stalk me because I’m different because I’m not one of them and I’m never gonna be and the only way to be an alcoholic is to drink.

They don’t stalk me now, they don’t know what city I’m in. I had to get run out of town to get rid of them.

If I quit Alcoholics Anonymous or stop taking the meds, mom will get mad at me. I can't imagine what she'll do.

  1. 17. Where is Luvy now?
  2. 18. She's homeless. I wish I could help, but I can't. Mother makes fun of her. Mom doesn't work, she owns property. I think it was in the will.
  3. 19. You're not going to tell my mother?
  4. 20. No we have a strict privacy policy. We're bound by law. We can't even contact her unless you ask."
  5. 21. That's ok I won't!
  6. 22. I know what you've been through. Trust me. You're my client, not hers
  7. 23. How long is the therapy session? Because I can't be here too long. I gotta go plan my funeral.
  8. 24. That's the session. Hey why don't you give Luvy a call?"
  9. 25. Luvy! It's Dan. I know AA and my mother don't like you, but I do. You won't believe what I talked about in therapy, but first you gotta sign something.

I’m going to have to give notice. As far as my disability, you handled that extremely well, professionally, legally and confidentially. To follow up, I have two part-time jobs lined up I I won’t be working as a professional designer. I’m 56 years old. I lost the dream of the good career a long time ago. Kind of like the dream of the good wife, but she was nice. Oh yeah, sometimes when you leave a company like this you’re not allowed to  come back in the store. At least, those are usually the terms they give me. I’ll be in town for the rest of the month and I’d still like to buy my soda and cigarettes.

I’m gonna get a job, I’m not stupid. Think I’m gonna paint on the corner and expect to pay rent? With a hat and ask people for money? With a gun?

  1. 26. I was coerced into seeing my mother's psychiatrist when I was 16. I'm not really sure why. He didn't seem to know what he was doing, but I couldn't tell. I was a scared boy. I thought he could read my mind. He wanted to prescribe me something that was a major tranquilizer. I don't know why. I said no. I started questioning my sanity. His latest kick was that he was interested in AA. They kicked him out. So of course he sent me there and I didn't have a choice. I didn't really drink, I smoked pot and it was far less potent back then. He told my mother I had to go, living at home I had no choice. I called AA and they sent me to a young people'e meeting. I went there and I hated it. I told my mother it was only on Sunday. Eventually I got out of going. When I turned 21 I drank a bit. One weekend evening I wanted to go out, but I had no money so I went to AA. My parents didn't even know I drank. They love bombed me. They had harsh insane funny stories about getting trashed beyond reason and really sick things. They made it sound cool. I didn't drink that much, So I learned to. That started it, the real problem. I became a worse drinker going to AA than I could imagine
  2. 27. There is no good reason to drink. If you can find a legitimately good reason. I'll have one with you. Wait! Ths L.A. Raiders cheerleaders just invited us to their party!

Therapists don’t prescribe medication. He just talks to me and listen to me. Not a lot of people do that ya know. We did mock interviews I got a job and and car. I still get the suicidal stuff but as I get older it doesn’t matter as much. I had nice art show at a pretty good gallery. I painted famous people with mental illness. The idea was to show people we're not that bad. Probation ended and I got my record expunged through legal aid. I’m looking for a job as a commercial artist so I can finally put my college education to use. I should, everybody else paid for it. Luvy found a program to moderate her drinking and every now and then we have a cocktail to get in the mood. Dad died of cancer and mom lived well into her 90s. I didn’t go to therapy for it. It was easy grieving.

    The therapist helped my by talking over what happened in jail. I was upset about it for a few days. Now it went away and I don't really think about it. I also wrote about my life. That was hard. I'm beginning to accept and move past things. I am hoping the new place will be better. He said I have no positive memories of my past and wanted me to think of some. I've been thinking some up. I'm hoping to remember more and make some new ones. That is mental health treatment. He has to leave the clinic and is recommending me to the next counselor.

A positive memory of my past was when I sold all those paintings in the gallery. I felt on top of the world.

 

I’m not driving the car I bought, because it scares it. When I don’t know how to use something, it scares me. Like in art school. Like in art school, we had drills, we had wood, we had power saws and I had fingers. I got help with the assignment.

  1. 223. Mom, don't tell me to get over it, but I've had a hard life.
  2. Ok, this is a writers group amateur and professional. What are your prices to edit this? I gotta take a lot of stuff out before I get sued. Don't worry I'll pay for your attorney too. Let's just hope the book does well.

Suffering mental illness is like suffering alcoholism. You’re not always suffering. Sometimes you’re having a lot of fun and people get bothered.  They send you to a hospital and you wake up in a bed and you wonder what you did the night before.

We’re so happy you got clean and sober. We’re gonna have some beers now.

  1. 224. This book has been illustrated as picture book for the abusive parents who are slow readers.

 

tnere was a lot of laughing when the therapist had me write my life but the crying was extremely painful. Now I'm starting to feel much better. Would've helped if my antidepressant prescription had been refilled sooner. That’s the healing power of treatment.

         

  • Your sister has her own family, home and career, she doesn’t want to be bothered, it’s not her responsibility to help you when you are homeless. Why does she have to help you? Morally, she should. I’m not good in that area either.
  • If you want to convince someone on a high level that you are correct, appeal to their sense or reason. If you want to persuade them, motivate and move them on the highest level, appeal to their sense of ethics.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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