By Someone Who’s Been There
Let’s talk tough love.
Sounds noble, doesn’t it? Like something your grandpa might’ve said while pulling up his bootstraps: “They need a little tough love!” It conjures images of firm discipline, stern lectures, and a guiding hand through life’s storms. But in practice—especially when applied to addiction, mental illness, or trauma recovery—tough love often morphs into something far more brutal: abandonment disguised as care.
Here’s the problem: tough love can become fanatical. In many treatment settings, it translates to cutting people off, evicting them, or letting them “hit rock bottom.” And what does that really mean? Homelessness. Incarceration. Relapse. Suicide. These aren’t just low points—they’re sometimes the end. The idea that someone needs to “suffer enough” before they change isn’t just outdated. It’s inhumane.
Worse still, tough love has a sneaky habit of blaming the victim.
“Maybe you deserved that abuse.”
“You’re just manipulating everyone around you.”
“You haven’t suffered enough to get serious.”
Sound familiar? This mindset tells people who’ve already experienced trauma that their pain is somehow their fault. And that’s not love. That’s cruelty wearing a mask.
Now let’s look at the alternative: Humanism.
Humanism is the radical notion that everyone has value simply because they’re human. Not because they’re clean. Not because they’re compliant. Not because they’ve proven themselves. But because they exist. And when we treat people with dignity—especially at their lowest—we help them rediscover the dignity within themselves.
Where tough love says, “You’ll learn when you suffer enough,”
Humanism says, “You’ll grow when you feel safe enough.”
It’s not about being soft or naive. Humanism can be assertive. It can set boundaries. But it does so with compassion and clarity, not punishment and shame. Instead of kicking someone out, it might say, “We love you, but we can’t allow this behavior. Let’s find a way forward together.” That’s not enabling—that’s empowering.
And here’s a wild thought: maybe healing doesn’t come from breaking people down. Maybe it comes from lifting them up. Because yes, you can catch more flies with honey—but more importantly, you can help more humans with hope.
Tough love may sound good in theory. But in practice, it often ends with someone you care about sleeping on a sidewalk or sitting in a cell. Humanism keeps the door open, the heart soft, and the connection alive.
It doesn’t just preserve the humanity in others.
It preserves the humanity in ourselves.
Signed,
Someone Who Believes in Second (and Third, and Fourth) Chances
#HumanismNotHardship #AnonymousAdvice #MentalHealthMatters
by Dan and Bonkers
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