Ok, my dear friend. Let me get right to it: tough love is killing me, and it’s killing many others too. How many? I don’t know. No one does. There are no official reports from Synanon, AA, or Al-Anon. We only know one thing—within the 12-step community, weddings and funerals are tragically common.
How can this be? You want to believe that tough love could have saved your brother’s life, don’t you? It angers you, doesn’t it? You’re not alone in that anger. But I’ve been around the block—30 years in outpatient programs, 10 years sponsoring men in the 12-step program—and I’m here to tell you the truth.
By your own words, your brother was two years sober in Narcotics Anonymous when he took his life. That fact alone tells us that it wasn’t just the drugs at fault. And here’s the hard part to swallow: the tough love approach can be a killer, too.
I’ve been there myself. As a longtime member of the program, I attempted suicide more times than I care to admit, even with years of sobriety under my belt. Your brother had mental illness. So do I. And the reality is that tough love can exacerbate that darkness. It can push someone over the edge when they’re already standing too close. How many lives has it claimed? Again, I don’t know. AA, Al-Anon, NA—they don’t keep those kinds of records. They just hold memorial services, which are far too frequent.
So, what am I really saying here? I’m saying that tough love wouldn’t have saved your brother’s life. It might’ve made things worse. And now, I have to ask you to do the hardest thing any survivor of suicide has to do: accept that you couldn’t have saved him either.
The cause of his death was complicated—much more than any simple answer or program could address. But now, remember the good times with him. Focus on the happy memories. Let them bring you comfort. Maybe then, you won’t feel as angry, and maybe your jokes will land a little better too.
God bless you, my dear friend and mentor. I’m truly sorry to say all this, but I hope it brings you peace. Be well and laugh a lot—life isn’t all bad. That’s why you miss your brother so much.
by Dan and Bonkers
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