I’ve noticed that certain behaviors of people, whether in groups or as individuals, seem to bother you. It’s not hard to see why—you’ve experienced trauma, specifically sexual assault (SA), and as a result, you might feel a strong need to control your environment. That’s completely understandable. After all, when something so profoundly out of your control happens, the instinct to regain safety and certainty can become a core part of how you move through the world.
Over the years, many SA survivors develop controlling tendencies, often as a means of creating a safe space around them. But is this need for control sustainable? Does it always work? The answer is: not always.
Consider this—have you ever been stuck in traffic, caught in a hailstorm, or maybe in a bar surrounded by rowdy men? These are situations beyond your control, no matter how much you try to manage them. The same can be true of human behavior. People can be unpredictable, stubborn, or even disrespectful. As difficult as it is to accept, we cannot always control others or the world around us, as AA wisely reminds us. The power to control everything, especially people, is an illusion.
Attempting to control people in your life can often lead to conflict, especially when they resist being controlled, which they likely will. My own mother, a survivor of SA, struggles with this. She wants things her way, and if I don’t comply, I’m left to fend for myself usually on the streets with nothing. This is the difficult reality for many survivors—while control may feel like a shield, it often isolates and pushes others away.
It’s important to work through this with a professional—whether a counselor, therapist, or even a sponsor—because the reality is, controlling tendencies can wear down relationships and mental well-being. In therapy, you can begin to release some of the grip you have on controlling every detail, learning healthier ways to feel safe.
Remember, controlling others isn’t popular with most people, but more importantly, it isn’t kind to yourself. Working through this takes time, patience, and understanding. Slowly but surely, you can begin to let go of the need to control and find peace in the unpredictability of life.
You deserve to feel safe, but safety doesn’t always mean control. It can mean trust, growth, and acceptance.
Having had thirty years of outpatient therapy and ten years of sponsoring men in AA, I feel somewhat qualified to offer this advice.
Take care.
by Dan and Bonkers
