Let’s Get Real About What It’s Costing Us
Once upon a time in the sun-scorched streets of California, a group called Synanon promised to help drug users “get clean.” Their method? Baseball bats. Literal ones. In the name of “tough love,” they beat people into submission. Think that’s extreme? They also put rattlesnakes in the mailboxes of their critics. Tough love wasn’t just tough—it was straight-up abusive. And it didn’t stop there.
Synanon was investigated by the law, disbanded in disgrace, and yet their influence lives on like a bad tattoo. Their techniques seeped into America’s addiction recovery world, and next thing you know—12-step programs, wilderness camps, and treatment centers were copying the same brutal mindset: break them down to build them up. Except often, they forgot the building up part.
Kids have died in “tough love” camps, left dehydrated and alone in the desert, or forced into “therapeutic” isolation. Parents were told this was necessary, that their kids would thank them later. Many never got the chance.
Let’s talk 12-step programs. Most participants are kind and trying their best. But the structure? Not so kind. Slip up? You're told you're powerless. You failed. Try again. And again. And again. Until it’s too late. Overdoses and suicides among those rejected by these programs are rarely discussed, but they are very real. The shame-based model doesn’t just hurt—it kills.
And here's the kicker: tough love is still standard operating procedure in modern mental health systems. People with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or severe depression are tossed out of care for “noncompliance.” They’re labeled “treatment-resistant” and sent into homelessness. You might hear a nurse or social worker say, “They have to hit rock bottom.” What they mean is: “We’re giving up.” But let’s be honest—rock bottom for some is death.
This isn’t medicine. This isn’t recovery. This is negligence wrapped in moral superiority.
There is a better way: Humanism.
Humanism says: You are a person, not a diagnosis. You are worthy of care, dignity, and empathy, even when you’re struggling. Especially when you’re struggling.
It doesn’t rely on shame. It doesn’t demand obedience. It works with people where they are, honoring their autonomy, supporting them with compassion, and never giving up when the going gets hard.
It’s time we stop romanticizing cruelty and call tough love what it is: outdated, harmful, and unnecessary.
Let's stop the cycle of blame, punishment, and abandonment. Let’s choose compassion. Let’s choose reason. Let’s choose humanism.
Tough love had its day. It failed. Let’s move on.
by Dan and Bonkers
danjoyceart.com
Art, philosophy, madness, and recovery with a human touch
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